Should I have sex with him?
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Should I have sex with him?
| Sun, 04-22-2007 - 11:17pm |
I'm new here and have a question!
I just started dating this guy about 3 weeks ago. So far, we have gone out about 3 times...so on average, once a week. We don't talk on the phone much at all (maybe once a week for a few minutes, basically to plan the date) and he text messages me maybe 2 times a week. I asked him why he doesn't call me more, and he said that he is "bad at talking on the phone, and doesn't like it"....what does this mean? Is this true that guys really DON'T like talking on the phone?
Anyway, other than the phone thing, everything else is great with us. We get along well and have a lot in common! We talked for hours on friday night, about everything. There was never a dull moment in our conversation and had a great time. Later on during the night, we started making out in the middle of watching a movie. He asked if we could go over to his bed. So we went over there and he started trying to take off my pants. I stopped him because I am on my period. He was very disappointed. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said so naturally "have sex"...I was kind of floored here. He acted like it wasn't a big deal really. I mean, in our previous dates, we did mess around a little and make out...but never got that far. In fact, a couple weeks ago I did tell him that I didn't want to have sex that night and he said that was fine. I guess now because we have been dating 3 weeks that we are "ready" for sex in his eyes? I told him that I have only been with one other person in my life..and I didn't know if I was really ready to have sex with him yet. I asked him what made HIM so special? He said that sex isn't really that big of a deal. He said he has been with maybe 7 people or so. By the way, I am 22 and he is 23.
Maybe because I have only been with one other person (whom I had a very long term relationship with) I am nervous about doing it with someone new. I don't know. He acted like he wanted to do it on the next date. I think he is kind of expecting it. Anyway, my question is- is sex that big of a deal? Am I making too much of this? I mean, I DO really want to have sex with him...I am very attracted to him and interested, but I feel that we need to maybe KNOW eachother better...(he said he thinks we know eachother well enough) or something. If he called more, or if we saw eachother more, then maybe we could get to know eachother better...but we've only seen eachother 3 or 4 times since we met.
What should I do? I am afraid that I will get very attached if I have sex with him...But I don't want him to lose interest if I don't have sex with him yet. Do you think he is just using me for sex? He does seem to really be genuinely interested in me, and said he is ready for a relationship. He text messaged me today, saying that he was talking about me all night with his friends last night, about how much we have in common, how attractive I am, and all that stuff... He seems to really like me. I am just skeptical about him not calling me! Is this just a guy thing?
Should I just go forward and have sex with him? I don't want him to think I'm weird if I wait longer, in this day and age, it would be unusual to wait much longer!
HELP! Thanks in advance!
I just started dating this guy about 3 weeks ago. So far, we have gone out about 3 times...so on average, once a week. We don't talk on the phone much at all (maybe once a week for a few minutes, basically to plan the date) and he text messages me maybe 2 times a week. I asked him why he doesn't call me more, and he said that he is "bad at talking on the phone, and doesn't like it"....what does this mean? Is this true that guys really DON'T like talking on the phone?
Anyway, other than the phone thing, everything else is great with us. We get along well and have a lot in common! We talked for hours on friday night, about everything. There was never a dull moment in our conversation and had a great time. Later on during the night, we started making out in the middle of watching a movie. He asked if we could go over to his bed. So we went over there and he started trying to take off my pants. I stopped him because I am on my period. He was very disappointed. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said so naturally "have sex"...I was kind of floored here. He acted like it wasn't a big deal really. I mean, in our previous dates, we did mess around a little and make out...but never got that far. In fact, a couple weeks ago I did tell him that I didn't want to have sex that night and he said that was fine. I guess now because we have been dating 3 weeks that we are "ready" for sex in his eyes? I told him that I have only been with one other person in my life..and I didn't know if I was really ready to have sex with him yet. I asked him what made HIM so special? He said that sex isn't really that big of a deal. He said he has been with maybe 7 people or so. By the way, I am 22 and he is 23.
Maybe because I have only been with one other person (whom I had a very long term relationship with) I am nervous about doing it with someone new. I don't know. He acted like he wanted to do it on the next date. I think he is kind of expecting it. Anyway, my question is- is sex that big of a deal? Am I making too much of this? I mean, I DO really want to have sex with him...I am very attracted to him and interested, but I feel that we need to maybe KNOW eachother better...(he said he thinks we know eachother well enough) or something. If he called more, or if we saw eachother more, then maybe we could get to know eachother better...but we've only seen eachother 3 or 4 times since we met.
What should I do? I am afraid that I will get very attached if I have sex with him...But I don't want him to lose interest if I don't have sex with him yet. Do you think he is just using me for sex? He does seem to really be genuinely interested in me, and said he is ready for a relationship. He text messaged me today, saying that he was talking about me all night with his friends last night, about how much we have in common, how attractive I am, and all that stuff... He seems to really like me. I am just skeptical about him not calling me! Is this just a guy thing?
Should I just go forward and have sex with him? I don't want him to think I'm weird if I wait longer, in this day and age, it would be unusual to wait much longer!
HELP! Thanks in advance!

You're too worried about what HE thinks. What matters is what YOU think. You've been with him three times. You want him to call more? Why? You aren't in a relationship with him....you're dating, and he doesn't have to call you every day.
You aren't very good at communicating. When you told him you didn't want to have sex, you made him think you meant that time. Why didn't you tell him that you don't have sex with someone you're dating casually (which is what you're doing).
You say that he says sex is no big deal.....and to you it is. So, you have a basic difference with him. Again, it doesn't matter what HE thinks, it's what you think and believe. Even though you don't want to do it, you'll do it so he doesn't lose interest? That's thinking backwards. If he was TRULY interested in you, he would wait forever for sex. If he doesn't get sex and he loses interest.....what does that tell you?
Having sex with a guy is no guarantee he'll stick around for another date. NOT having sex with someone who is interested in YOU more than in sex...won't matter to him and he'll wait as long as he has to.
His statement that sex is no big deal tells you a lot. He wants it, and if he gets it, it will mean very little to him. It certainly won't keep him around if that's all he was interested in.
Do what YOU think is right, don't worry about what he thinks.
I'm not sure that we can say exactly what he is thinking, but it is clear that he doesn't think that having sex is a "big deal". You and him clearly have different ideas about this. But then it doesn't really matter what HE thinks about it.
What matters is what YOU think about it! There is no point rushing things in the faint hope that this guy will stay interested in you because you're giving him sex. Sex is not something that makes a guy stay. If he is really interested in you then waiting a few days, or a couple of weeks will be no problem for him. If he's not interested in you then sex will keep him around a bit longer but it will only delay the inevitable departure.
Do what YOU want to do. Do what YOU are comfortable with. He's clearly trying to do what he wants to do so don't feel guilty about what you want to do! If you want to date him a bit more then date him a bit more. The only thing I will say is that calling you more often isn't something that you should get hung up about. He's only casually dating you at this point. There is no obligation for him to call you every night.
Next time he asks or wants sex - and he WILL want it next time, just tell him "Look, I really like you but I don't have casual sex. I'd like to wait a bit until we've got something a bit more solid together".
Hello, ilovebabyfaces22, and welcome to the board.
What I'm reading in your post is that you are not ready to have sex with this guy in this relationship.
The two of you are in a very early stage of your relationship, and you are not sure how he feels about you. If you are not comfortable having sex with him yet, they you need to wait. It sounds like if you do have sex with him, and the relationship ends, that you will feel like you were used. I think you should wait until you are comfortable, but I think you need to talk to him about that before you have another date. It could get complicated to go on a date and have him expect sex. Also, don't date him in his bedroom -- I think that will encourage him to think he will get lucky.
It doesn't matter what he wants, or what you think other people do ... you have to do what is right for you.
Whenever you need to questions yourself about having sex, you
>>I asked him why he doesn't call me more, and he said that he is "bad at talking on the phone, and doesn't like it"....what does this mean? Is this true that guys really DON'T like talking on the phone?<<
Everybody is different, he could genuinely not be "a phone person" as my boyfriend says. He's like that as well, we'll talk a little on the phone to see how each other is doing but to have long conversations on the phone isn't something we do - it's just not his bag. In the beginning of our relationship I found it strange as well (I was 17, and wanted to talk to him all the time). Now, we see each other almost every day so it doesn't seem that big of a deal to not talk on the phone much because we spend a lot of time together in person - we've been together for over 3 years now.
>>I guess now because we have been dating 3 weeks that we are "ready" for sex in his eyes? I told him that I have only been with one other person in my life..and I didn't know if I was really ready to have sex with him yet. I asked him what made HIM so special? He said that sex isn't really that big of a deal.<<
To me, 3 weeks isn't a long time and I would never have sex with someone after knowing them for only 3 weeks. I also think that sex is a VERY BIG DEAL. I think you have to know someone very well, and really truly care about them (on a long term level - think marriage - to have sex with them), but that's just me. I think you have to be comfortable with having sex to do it. If you think it's a big deal, then it's a big deal.
>>Anyway, my question is- is sex that big of a deal? Am I making too much of this? I mean, I DO really want to have sex with him...I am very attracted to him and interested, but I feel that we need to maybe KNOW eachother better...(he said he thinks we know eachother well enough) or something.<<
As I said before, to me it is a big deal - I don't "just do it". But only you can know if it's a big deal to you. Yes, you might be attracted to him, but until now you didn't know how he "felt about sex", how much more do you know about him. And do YOU feel like you know enough about him (from your post, I don't think you believe that).
>>What should I do? I am afraid that I will get very attached if I have sex with him...But I don't want him to lose interest if I don't have sex with him yet. Do you think he is just using me for sex?<<
I think you should do what YOU feel is right for you at this moment. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone - I feel you should be "attracted" to the person you're involved with. Him losing interest in you because you're not ready to have sex says that he doesn't care about you or your feelings; and you should never use sex to keep someone interested, it will not pay off in the long run. I had a lot of "issues" with sex from a past experience and my bf was very "experienced" - he had a lot of encounters with a lot of different people. But he waited, because he genuinely cared about me, he didn't press the issue and he helped me to trust men to the point where I would be around him alone in a house without having a panic attack (lol). I know this is a different situation, but if he cares about you, he should be able to wait until you are ready to share this part of you with him.
>>Should I just go forward and have sex with him? I don't want him to think I'm weird if I wait longer, in this day and age, it would be unusual to wait much longer!<<
The "everybody is doing it" excuse is silly. I have never (and will never) base my decision (on such an important thing) on whether everyone else sees it as "no big deal". I think sex is a very intimate thing that should be shared with someone you truly care about. Don't do it if it's not something you're comfortable with doing at this moment or because you don't want him to think that you're weird. If he thinks you're weird because of that, he's not in the relationship for the right reason.
Good Luck
Princess
I haven't read all the responses so sorry if I repeat anything. First of all, you haven't been with him that long. Maybe to him sex is no big deal but it obviously is to you. If you're not ready to have sex with him, then DON'T. Don't do something just to please him. You have to want it to happen. If he doesn't like it, too bad.
As for the telephone, lots of people hate using them.