Should I have told my boyfriend.....?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2005
Should I have told my boyfriend.....?
8
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 10:07pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for around a year. Everything is great, except one thing--I told him that, on occasion, my friend and I like to fool around. Usually, the two of us have a few too many drinks, and fool around, no harm, right? When my boyfriend and I started dating, I told myself it wouldn't happen anymore, because it's cheating. Well, my boyfriend and I flew to L.A. for her birthday, and as the night progressed, I had a feeling we might end up messing around. So, in my drunken stuper, I told him. He, of course delighted by the idea of two women, was okay with it. Here's the problem--my friend is an actress and is fairly well known. Now, everytime someone says "Oh, I love ________", the name of her tv show--he says "Yeah, my girlfriend's friends with her and messes around with her." I'm very open about my sexuality, but I'm also not famous. Not that he really knows anyone that would tell anyone of any importance, but I still feel bad. She knows I told him, and her fiancee knows, they're both fine with it. I've told him that I don't want him telling people, but he still does it. Did I make a huge mistake in telling him? And, is it sooo terrible that I wouldn't want him to be with another man? I know it's a double standard, and he's never expressed the desire to be with a man, but I wouldn't want him to be with anyone else! Please help!
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 12:08am

I think you were right to tell your BF about her because sex is sex! Frankly, I don't think anyone would believe him even if he did tell. But can't you simply ask him NOT to tell everyone he knows about it?

As far as having a double standard for him....YES, it's a double standard! So, I'm afraid, you won't have a leg to stand on if he does decide to experiment in the future. In this case, what's good for the GANDER, is good for the goose.




Edited 4/21/2005 12:11 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 5:19am

He's still telling people after you've asked him. Hmmm. That's definitely points against him. It might have been acceptable or forgivable if you hadn't specifically told him not to tell anyone. But you have asked him to shut up about it and he hasn't. That's a big no-no in my book if he's still telling people.

Of course you had to tell him if you were going to fool around with your g/f. You couldn't NOT tell him. So, there was no way that you couldn't tell him and avoid the issue of him telling other people. But you're also lucky that he's OK with the fooling around. Many guys would want to get involved and turn your hot two-some into a threesome. Many wouldn't like it and would consider it cheating. Yes, it's a big fantasy for a lot of men - but it also stays fantasy for a lot of men.

As for you not liking him with another man? Yes it is a double-standard but what you haven't considered is this: Just because you choose to fool around with another woman is your choice. You are fooling around with another PERSON. What if your b/f suddenly realises that his choice of person to fool around with doesn't have to be a man? It could easily be another woman of his choice, couldn't it? And if not, why not? What difference is it if it is man or woman? Morally, you can't object as he has already given you permission to fool around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 7:58am

I agree with the others.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:51am

I agree that him still telling people after you've asked him not to is a big no-no and really speaks volumes about how much he respects your wishes.

But I disagree with everyone about you "not having a leg to stand on" if he wants to go out and fool around with someone. He agreed it was okay for you to be with another woman b/c it did something for him - he LIKED it! You not being comfortable with him doing someone else means that it's NOT THE *SAME* THING. If he had NOT given you "permission" then you would not have done it, right? So until you give him "permission" he shouldn't do it either.

Just b/c the actions are similar doesn't mean that the outcome is the same. In his case, he got something positive out of you being with someone else. You wouldn't - so I don't think that it's soooo terrible that you don't want him to! (However, I think maybe you should have had a talk about all this beforehand!?!)

 

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 10:32am

I missed the fact that you had already asked your BF not to tell about your situation. But the fact that he still does is not a good sign. It looks like he's trying to embarrass you or trying to make himself look cool or more important by association.

And just because YOU wouldn't like for your BF to experiment with another person, within your relationship, doesn't mean that he won't decide to in the future. Sex, with a man or woman, is still sex and you're getting it on the side.

Also, just because he's thrilled with girl on girl action for YOU, doesn't mean that he won't want to join in at some point for a threesome....which means that you may have to see him with another partner anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 6:33pm

>>But I disagree with everyone about you "not having a leg to stand on" if he wants to go out and fool around with someone.<<

Yes, it is different, but the trouble is that it IS the same too. I don't see how you can object to your partner doing something that you yourself do first. It's a double-standard and you can't just turn around and say "Oh well. I asked first and it was OK, but now that you're asking it's not OK for you to do it".

If they had discussed the subject in depth and the b/f raised the question "If I let you do this will it be OK for me to do it in the future?" and he was told "No", then I think that his answer could well have been quite different - or at the least there would be some resentment. I know that I would be annoyed if that happened to me.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 7:01pm

I agree. Unless this was discussed and agreed upon BEFORE they got together, she can't expect him to abide by her double standard. And even then, he may change his mind in the future and decide that her having a female lover on the side is unfair. Particularly, if his initial thought was that he will get to be part of a threesome, eventually.

I just cannot believe that too many guys would agree or go along with this situation UNLESS they were going to benefit from it in some way.




Edited 4/21/2005 7:12 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 7:21pm

"If they had discussed the subject in depth and the b/f raised the question "If I let you do this will it be OK for me to do it in the future?" and he was told "No", then I think that his answer could well have been quite different."

Yes, I agree which is why I said that they should have talked it out more before diving into anything. She shouldn't *have* to allow him to sleep with others, but I can see how he would feel that he had the "right".

 

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