Should I Marry Him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Should I Marry Him?
25
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:57pm
I need advice badly. My B/F and I have been dating 1.5 yrs., and have lived together for ten months. We are have an extremely healthy relationship with the exception of our sex life. Sex is important to me and always has been. My dilema is this: for almost a year my man is having problems um, getting it up. I have been sympathetic, helpful, etc., but I have gotten frustrated and emotional as well. We have both gained some weight since we started dating and he blames his lack of desire and inability to get hard on the fact that he is out of shape. He has gained maybe 15 pounds and is by no means "fat." At 39 & 37, we both need to take better care of ourselves obviously, but we both have those "spare tires." I am actually quite comfortable in my skin although I would like to be back to my normal weight. Fortunately, I am one of those people who knows to love yourself from the inside out. I always have to initiate the sex and if I never did this, we probably would never have sex. I've just about stopped initiating sex altogether because I am actually quite hurt and confused. My reason for this is because I do not understand why a man who says he has no desire can look at raunchy photos of women on the net and read Huslter. Please don't get me wrong - I have NO problem with him looking at that stuff. In fact, I bought him the Huslter subscription as a x-mas present. I normally have no problem with him looking at other women and think it's completely natural. What i do not understand is that he can do those things, but he doesn't want me, or at least that's how I feel. He of course says that it's not me, but what else am I supposed to think? I know engagement is very close in our future and I am honestly not so sure I want this type of relationship. I know that a sex life is not the bottom line of a relationship, but the intimacy of a sexual act and the cuddling thereafter are healthy and needed to keep a relationship together. In fact, I need that in my relationship. I feel that as a woman I am somehow not desireable and THAT (not my weight) has affected the way I feel about myself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 4:05pm

Hello,

If he is having a medical issue, that is one thing. BUT-- when I read that he looks as raunchy porn, that is a horse of a different color altogether. If my DH suddenly started having problems getting an erection, I would be very understanding. BUT HOly Cannolli-- if I found out that he was looking at porn instead of trying to be intimate with me, that would cause big problems between us.

An extra 15 pounds does not kill a man's sex drive, sorry. If your extra pounds is in any way causing his decreased interest, then in my opinion you really need to think twice about marrying him. You are not even 40 years old yet... You need to get this issue completely straightened out before you commit to marriage. This is how I feel.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 4:18pm

My DH and I have experienced weight flucuations in our 28 yr. marriage and have never lost our desire for one another or sex.

It sounds to me as if your guy is using his or your minor weight gain as an an excuse to avoid sex. IF he still uses porn and masturbates, then he obviously still has a drive but he's replaced sex with you with that.

While it's entirely possible that he's insecure about his heavier body and choosing the easy way of self gratification, it's more likely that there's something else going on in your relationship.

I think you two need an honest heart to heart immediately. And don't settle for someone who is unable to provide a key element to your happiness. YOU should be his top priority!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 4:39pm
Thanks for the input Kat. I really appreciate it very much. I honestly don't know if he's "taking care of business" by himself or not. I assume he is. We have had many, many discussions about this aspect of our relationship and I know he gets very depressed when he is unable to perform. He says he doesn't feel like a complete man. He is the most kindest, most gentle man I have ever known, romantically or not. I've approached the subject from all angles, believe me. We truly do have great respect for each other and are able to talk about anything at anytime. My family and my friends think he is the best guy they've ever met. I speak very highly of my BF and do not have anyone I can discuss this with. When I have spoke with my mom or my friends(which has not happened often), they just tell me to seduce him, dress up for him, turn him on, like I'm not doing something right. Honestly, I have never been in a relationship where my man didn't want me and it's gotten to the point now where I'm afraid that I will eventually stray. He truly, truly takes very good care of me emotionally as well as material things. I keep telling myself that a relationship cannot have everything, but I am not so sure that I can be satisfied.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 5:00pm
Have you considered how slightly selfish that sounds and that perhaps there is a MEDICAL reason that he can't achieve ERECTION? Have you two thought about taking him to a doctor to get checked out? Perhaps there's a problem somewhere that can get fixed? Perhaps he's feeling a little ashamed because you make a big fuss about it? If there isn't a medical reason that he can't achieve erection, then perhaps couple counseling would work.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 5:01pm

The porn/masturbation issue is just one that needs to be discussed though. IF he's having problems with ED or some other mental health issue, then that also needs to be discussed.

He may be the greatest guy in the world but he still needs to be honest about what's troubling him and then DEAL with it...medically or psychologically.

You can't keep this relationship together by making excuses for him. Realistically, a key element of happiness for you is missing here and will eventually cause you to leave. Acknowledge that to yourself and then to him and determine what to do about it together.
Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 5:07pm

Why can't he satisfy you sexually? Do you have to have intercourse? It should take the pressure off of him.

If I were you, I'd make sure that I tell him exactly how I feel about everything. I'd even tell him that I feel that he may not be attracted to me because of the weight. Just spill everything. That's how you communicate openly and honestly. Maybe he'll open up to you.

I'd even address masturbation. Men have refractory periods unlike women. It may be affecting what's going on in the bedroom.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 5:09pm
Thank you for your input. We have most definitely discussed it being physical. He has not had medical insurance since I've known him and says that he cannot see a doctor because of this. I understand that completely. My dilema is that he has an interest in this porn (which usually doesn't bother me in the slightest), but doesn't show a sexual interest in me. If his drive is deminished because of his weight gain, why does he still show signs of sexual interest, albeit via the internet and magazines?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 5:20pm
Why does he have to have sexual interest first(in order to view porn)? Perhaps he's looking at the porn to get aroused, no? Chicken and egg. ;-)
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 5:30pm
I've thought about him using porn to get aroused, but isn't that insulting to me? He needs to look at porn in order to be sexually motivated towards me? That doesn't seem right. He has the ability and gets no qualms from me about his looking at that stuff, but why is he able to look at porn (and I assume get turned on), but yet he never initiates being intimate with me? I'm not looking to be chastised here. I merely had hoped to be counseled by other women. While I am not going to be at all offended by some folks' comments simply because this is an open forum, please remember to respond in an open minded, but kind way. Thank you to all who have offered words of wisdom. I guess I just needed some affirmations, because my way of dealing with our situation is not working at all. Please keep the ideas coming. Much thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 5:38pm

Calm your jets. I was merely making a general statement...not applying it to your specific situation. Sheesh, what is it with this board today...that time of the month perhaps. ;-0

Is he looking at porn before coming to you? You weren't specific about that. You just said that he looks at porn, and you suspect that he's masturbating, but were not sure. Even if he was though(looking at it first), it's not working anyhow. Does he ever get an erection or does he get one and then it subsides? More details might help.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )

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