Should I Marry Him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Should I Marry Him?
25
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:57pm
I need advice badly. My B/F and I have been dating 1.5 yrs., and have lived together for ten months. We are have an extremely healthy relationship with the exception of our sex life. Sex is important to me and always has been. My dilema is this: for almost a year my man is having problems um, getting it up. I have been sympathetic, helpful, etc., but I have gotten frustrated and emotional as well. We have both gained some weight since we started dating and he blames his lack of desire and inability to get hard on the fact that he is out of shape. He has gained maybe 15 pounds and is by no means "fat." At 39 & 37, we both need to take better care of ourselves obviously, but we both have those "spare tires." I am actually quite comfortable in my skin although I would like to be back to my normal weight. Fortunately, I am one of those people who knows to love yourself from the inside out. I always have to initiate the sex and if I never did this, we probably would never have sex. I've just about stopped initiating sex altogether because I am actually quite hurt and confused. My reason for this is because I do not understand why a man who says he has no desire can look at raunchy photos of women on the net and read Huslter. Please don't get me wrong - I have NO problem with him looking at that stuff. In fact, I bought him the Huslter subscription as a x-mas present. I normally have no problem with him looking at other women and think it's completely natural. What i do not understand is that he can do those things, but he doesn't want me, or at least that's how I feel. He of course says that it's not me, but what else am I supposed to think? I know engagement is very close in our future and I am honestly not so sure I want this type of relationship. I know that a sex life is not the bottom line of a relationship, but the intimacy of a sexual act and the cuddling thereafter are healthy and needed to keep a relationship together. In fact, I need that in my relationship. I feel that as a woman I am somehow not desireable and THAT (not my weight) has affected the way I feel about myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 5:39pm
Isn't it insulting that you're accussing him of things that may not be true? Have you considered asking him what is wrong? Perhaps he doesn't know what's wrong and the porn is a last resort. It isn't the women that are arousing. Its the insinuation of something naughty to come that is. Its the act, not the people. Again, try to sort out the issue rather than accuse him of things that may not be true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 5:59pm
Did you read my initial posting? My replies? I'm asking because your input doesn't dictate that you have. I know he looks at porn because of the weekly emails he gets in his in-box and because I can look at emailed porn photos because of our network set-up. I know he looks at porn because I bought the Huslter subscription as a x-mas gift. I don't have a problem with the porn. I DO have a problem that he "wants" the porn but not me. We have discussed this situation over the months on a few occasions. We have discussed working out either together or alone, him seeing a doctor, he's used viagra. I've asked him if it was me, work, the house, etc., etc. He says it's because of his weight, which doesn't make sense to me, because he's only gained 15 pounds. I'm not accusing him of anything. We do not have that kind of relationship. Have you had your baby yet?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:03pm
I think I'm figuring it out slowly. Perhaps when he says his weight, he means HOW HE SEES HIMSELF. Perhaps HE no longer finds himself desirable to YOU. Perhaps he feels that his weight prevents YOU from wanting HIM?! Perhaps its self-esteem.
And, I know you are ok with the porn. I'm just wondering what if you're insulting him by accussing him of viewing porn to get away from him. It sounds like a self-esteem issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:09pm
My jets are calm! My jets are calm! : ) I just didn't know that I'd come here for advice and end up protecting myself. (Not of your doing mind you.) I'm not sure if he's looking at porn before coming into me or not. I do know that once I looked (yes, I can be nosey), and he had looked at some stuff before coming to bed. And then I had remembered that he had woke me up. Hhhmmm. I had actually fogotten about that. He does get an erection 90% of the time, after I've said "let's have sex." That's once a week, usually Friday's after work, and sometimes we end up having sex on Saturday too. Woo hoo! lol A few weeks ago he actually came into bed on a weekend night and woke me up to have sex. I was flabergasted but didn't want to make a big deal about it. I just did the normal how lovely it was, etc. When he's not able to get hard sometimes, he does after I give him oral sex for a few minutes. Is that normal? Just the other day, we went to have sex (via my initiation), and he wouldn't get hard. We laid in bed and talked about this and that and I thought that was it. I got feisty and went down on him. He got hard and we started having intercourse. He lost most of his erection but we continued on. He came without being completely erect. Hoping that's more than enough details. : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:14pm
He has said that he doesn't like the way he looks so you might be onto something there. I guess I just felt that if I was showing all of this sexual interest and initiating sex, that he would naturally know that I found him desirable. Hmmm. Defintely something to think about. I do believe he has a self-esteem problem and that's why I am very, VERY careful about this subject with him. Believe me, he is too good of a man, person, soul to be treated any other way, and I would never do anything to hurt him or his ego. At least not intentionally. Thanks for your words! A lightbulb went off over my head. : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:17pm

I remember learning in one of my Psychology classes that one of the major reasons people have problems getting aroused in the bedroom is because they are too nervous and uncomfortable. If his weight makes him feel uncomfortable with himself, that would explain why it causes problems when he is with you, but not when he is looking at porn. With the porn, he doesn't have to deal with the discomfort of seeing somebody else looking at his body so he can relax. This type of problem also turns into a vicious cycle because once he is having trouble performing with you, he'll most likely also feel anxious about whether or not he will be able to get it up, and then that will make it even harder for him to get it up. I'm sure there have been books written by sex therapists about what couples can do to deal with this sort of a problem so he can learn to relax enough to get aroused with you, and if I was you I would be looking into purchasing one of those books. You could probably go to Amazon to read other people's reviews of which books worked for them.

As for the question of marrying him, I think you should hold off on accepting any proposals until this problem has been solved and/or you are sure what you want. Marriage is a huge commitment, and maybe the most important vows and promises you will make to another person. It's not something you should be entering into if you have any doubts. I know that getting engaged isn't the same as marriage, but I have seen too many women accepting proposals while they still have real doubts thinking that they will have enough time to figure out what they want before the wedding. Then the wedding day arrives and they feel like they had better go through with it because they have promising it to their fiance all along, and it wouldn't be fair to change their minds right before the wedding. Then they end up getting divorced and breaking up the oath they made because they realize they had real reasons for their doubts, and they really can not be happy living their life with the other person. If you don't know what you want to do yet, then just be honest with your boyfriend and let him know that. You can always get engaged later. But in my opinion, the fact that you have to ask is a sign that you shouldn't be getting engaged right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:48pm

Other than whatever intercourse you two do have, do you get oral or manual stimulation? I'm just curious because you didn't mention it. It seems that so much emphasis is placed on intercourse, which may be his problem. If you remove the pressure to become erect at all, and just concentrate on pleasuring you, it may work in your favor. I don't think it's his weight though, because he's responding to oral just fine.

It could also be that he may be masturbating(daily) and his sex drive is just not up for sex afterwards. Explain to him how you haven't any issues with porn or masturbation per se, unless and until it interferes with couple sex. Ask him to refrain from both for a week and see how it goes. The stimulation from masturbation could also be hindering his performance during intercourse(which is different stimuli altogether). If so, he may have to retrain himself again.

It really doesn't sound too serious to me...at least not yet. Open up to him and I bet you things will get better. Intimacy is built over time and through communication.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:57pm
I have a problem with self-esteem too which can prevent me from wanting to make love to my husband. I feel unattractive, undesirable, and ugly. I can't possibly fathom why he'd want to make love to me. Even though he tells me and he shows interest, sometimes its hard for me to feel good about myself. It has to come from within first before it can start affecting the outside. It doesn't matter how many times YOU tell him that he's attractive and wonderful. If HE doesn't feel it, then it will affect life in and out of the bedroom. But, be supportive. Look at the porn with him? Perhaps by doing that, it would be an even bigger turn on. I think that sometimes the appeal isn't the fake women, but the actions portrayed. Think about it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 7:10pm
Although there's nothing wrong with suggesting they watch porn together, I think that it wouldn't necessarily address the issues at hand. It would only serve to delay the problems. Eventually, they'll be a time when the porn has be shut off and they'll be left at the same place they left off -- alone together.


Edited 5/31/2005 7:11 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 7:34pm
Rosewater...Thanks so much for your insight. It makes total sense to me. Some of ya all outta be couselors or something. (smile) I know he's going to propose someday soon, and while we don't have to get married right away, I want everything to be out on the table. I've been married once before so I know this has to be taken seriously. My BF and I have a great partnership and I know we are going to have a loving future. I just want it to start on the right foot. You are right though -- I AM going to put off accepting a proposal until this is sorted out. Thank you again.