Should I Marry Him?
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Should I Marry Him?
| Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:57pm |
I need advice badly. My B/F and I have been dating 1.5 yrs., and have lived together for ten months. We are have an extremely healthy relationship with the exception of our sex life. Sex is important to me and always has been. My dilema is this: for almost a year my man is having problems um, getting it up. I have been sympathetic, helpful, etc., but I have gotten frustrated and emotional as well. We have both gained some weight since we started dating and he blames his lack of desire and inability to get hard on the fact that he is out of shape. He has gained maybe 15 pounds and is by no means "fat." At 39 & 37, we both need to take better care of ourselves obviously, but we both have those "spare tires." I am actually quite comfortable in my skin although I would like to be back to my normal weight. Fortunately, I am one of those people who knows to love yourself from the inside out. I always have to initiate the sex and if I never did this, we probably would never have sex. I've just about stopped initiating sex altogether because I am actually quite hurt and confused. My reason for this is because I do not understand why a man who says he has no desire can look at raunchy photos of women on the net and read Huslter. Please don't get me wrong - I have NO problem with him looking at that stuff. In fact, I bought him the Huslter subscription as a x-mas present. I normally have no problem with him looking at other women and think it's completely natural. What i do not understand is that he can do those things, but he doesn't want me, or at least that's how I feel. He of course says that it's not me, but what else am I supposed to think? I know engagement is very close in our future and I am honestly not so sure I want this type of relationship. I know that a sex life is not the bottom line of a relationship, but the intimacy of a sexual act and the cuddling thereafter are healthy and needed to keep a relationship together. In fact, I need that in my relationship. I feel that as a woman I am somehow not desireable and THAT (not my weight) has affected the way I feel about myself.

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And, I know you are ok with the porn. I'm just wondering what if you're insulting him by accussing him of viewing porn to get away from him. It sounds like a self-esteem issue.
I remember learning in one of my Psychology classes that one of the major reasons people have problems getting aroused in the bedroom is because they are too nervous and uncomfortable. If his weight makes him feel uncomfortable with himself, that would explain why it causes problems when he is with you, but not when he is looking at porn. With the porn, he doesn't have to deal with the discomfort of seeing somebody else looking at his body so he can relax. This type of problem also turns into a vicious cycle because once he is having trouble performing with you, he'll most likely also feel anxious about whether or not he will be able to get it up, and then that will make it even harder for him to get it up. I'm sure there have been books written by sex therapists about what couples can do to deal with this sort of a problem so he can learn to relax enough to get aroused with you, and if I was you I would be looking into purchasing one of those books. You could probably go to Amazon to read other people's reviews of which books worked for them.
As for the question of marrying him, I think you should hold off on accepting any proposals until this problem has been solved and/or you are sure what you want. Marriage is a huge commitment, and maybe the most important vows and promises you will make to another person. It's not something you should be entering into if you have any doubts. I know that getting engaged isn't the same as marriage, but I have seen too many women accepting proposals while they still have real doubts thinking that they will have enough time to figure out what they want before the wedding. Then the wedding day arrives and they feel like they had better go through with it because they have promising it to their fiance all along, and it wouldn't be fair to change their minds right before the wedding. Then they end up getting divorced and breaking up the oath they made because they realize they had real reasons for their doubts, and they really can not be happy living their life with the other person. If you don't know what you want to do yet, then just be honest with your boyfriend and let him know that. You can always get engaged later. But in my opinion, the fact that you have to ask is a sign that you shouldn't be getting engaged right now.
Other than whatever intercourse you two do have, do you get oral or manual stimulation? I'm just curious because you didn't mention it. It seems that so much emphasis is placed on intercourse, which may be his problem. If you remove the pressure to become erect at all, and just concentrate on pleasuring you, it may work in your favor. I don't think it's his weight though, because he's responding to oral just fine.
It could also be that he may be masturbating(daily) and his sex drive is just not up for sex afterwards. Explain to him how you haven't any issues with porn or masturbation per se, unless and until it interferes with couple sex. Ask him to refrain from both for a week and see how it goes. The stimulation from masturbation could also be hindering his performance during intercourse(which is different stimuli altogether). If so, he may have to retrain himself again.
It really doesn't sound too serious to me...at least not yet. Open up to him and I bet you things will get better. Intimacy is built over time and through communication.
Edited 5/31/2005 7:11 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
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