Should I Marry Him?
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Should I Marry Him?
| Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:57pm |
I need advice badly. My B/F and I have been dating 1.5 yrs., and have lived together for ten months. We are have an extremely healthy relationship with the exception of our sex life. Sex is important to me and always has been. My dilema is this: for almost a year my man is having problems um, getting it up. I have been sympathetic, helpful, etc., but I have gotten frustrated and emotional as well. We have both gained some weight since we started dating and he blames his lack of desire and inability to get hard on the fact that he is out of shape. He has gained maybe 15 pounds and is by no means "fat." At 39 & 37, we both need to take better care of ourselves obviously, but we both have those "spare tires." I am actually quite comfortable in my skin although I would like to be back to my normal weight. Fortunately, I am one of those people who knows to love yourself from the inside out. I always have to initiate the sex and if I never did this, we probably would never have sex. I've just about stopped initiating sex altogether because I am actually quite hurt and confused. My reason for this is because I do not understand why a man who says he has no desire can look at raunchy photos of women on the net and read Huslter. Please don't get me wrong - I have NO problem with him looking at that stuff. In fact, I bought him the Huslter subscription as a x-mas present. I normally have no problem with him looking at other women and think it's completely natural. What i do not understand is that he can do those things, but he doesn't want me, or at least that's how I feel. He of course says that it's not me, but what else am I supposed to think? I know engagement is very close in our future and I am honestly not so sure I want this type of relationship. I know that a sex life is not the bottom line of a relationship, but the intimacy of a sexual act and the cuddling thereafter are healthy and needed to keep a relationship together. In fact, I need that in my relationship. I feel that as a woman I am somehow not desireable and THAT (not my weight) has affected the way I feel about myself.

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I've read through the posts and I think that the weight is primarily an excuse although it WILL have some real effect. I also think that he is more worried about your weight than he admits. I also think that it might be time to have a good look at your eating habits and exercise and lifestyle.
It's not a physical problem that he has. It's all in his head and I think that there are probably several things going on that all combine to cause one big problem. He feels insecure about his weight, and he sees you weighing a bit more than you were when he first met you (which only feeds his insecurities about his weight too). I think that he notices the weight gain that both of you are making and it affects him more than you'd think.
Does he exercise? I mean like twice a week for a half hour or more that leaves him in a sweat? Sport, mountainbiking, the gym? Any of that? Exercise is crucial. Not only does it help you loose weigh and generate endorphins, it has immense psychological value.
How about the eating habits? Healthy? Too many carbs? Fat and carbs will make you feel heavy, full, lethargic and unmotivated.
Lifestyle. Maybe he's fallen into a rut. Eat, sleep, work, home, eat, watch TV, sleep. Depressing. Job not going so great? Life with you is boring? Exercise and activity will help there. Just get OUT and do stuff. Do you do romantic stuff together or has the sex life fallen into a rut too? If you don't use it, you loose it. It's a well known fact that if you avoid sex, it gets very easy to avoid it more and more.
Now, don't think that I'm a health nut. I'm the last person to be considered a health nut. I love my KFC and McDonalds with a passion. But it's got to be balanced with healthy eating, exercise and a balanced life. I've been in a similar situation in the past and you'd be amazed that the difference that just an hour, twice a week on a mountainbike can make to your whole attitude, motivation and consequenctly your sex life. Don't get stuck and focus too tightly on your problems in bed. Although it is showing up in the bedroom, I'm certain that the problem is caused by issues outside the bedroom.
Not having medical insurance is a very sorry excuse for not looking into the problem. IF he cares about you, he will pay the price of a doctor's visit to find out if he has a medical problem. There are also free clinics in most big cities.
Unless he's in poor health (15-20 pounds overweight doesn't qualify as poor health!) or on some kind of medication that has sexual side effects (anti-depressants or BP meds) then it's more than likely an emotional problem, not a physical one.
Bottom line is that HE has a problem. Saying "I Do" will not magically make him put down the porn and take interest in you. Should you marry him? Only if you can deal with the problem getting worse, not better. He is already taking away your self-esteem. He may be the best man in the world, but if he won't deal with HIS problem, then you're going to be an unhappy wife, just as you are now an unhappy girlfriend.
Sex isn't everything, but it is important to you. If you're not getting it, then you're not going to be happy. If you're not happy, you will look elsewhere for the affection that you're not getting from him. Try to have him fix the problem. If he won't, then you should think about moving on.
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