Should I or Shouldn't I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Should I or Shouldn't I?
7
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:53pm
Hello All,

I've just recently started in a two year college, where I'm currently living in the dorms. This college here is rather small and the ratios of guys to girls are 9 to 1. I think it's worse than that there' only 15 girls in the dorms and 7 of which aren't here almost the whole year, then there's about 80 guys but I only ever see the same 30 or so. Anyways I really would like to settle down and aim for marriage, the problem is, in college you can't do that. In two years everyone will be heading their seperate ways and you'll end up having to sacrificce your dream and hard work or have a broken heart. So in meantime I was thinking maybe an exclusive sex partner might be an idea. I've had sex with one person here but I did not like it at all. So I do not plan on that one again. But I imagine with the ratio being how it is and me being one of the very few females I shouldn't have a problem. But is this really such a good idea?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:07pm

Well, that is something only you can answer.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:12pm
i don't think it has to be "just sex". you've got two years ahead of you, why not attempt to have a physically and emotionally fulfilling relationship? who knows what will happen later on, if you guys really fall for each other, geography doesn't have to stand in your way. for many women (and many people in general), a purely physical relationship may be fun in the moment, but is not likely to be satisfying for any length of time. further, it is unlikely to be a purely physical relationship for 2 years -- just by the length of it, plus the exclusivity you mention, that is pretty much a full blown relationship no matter what you call it.

so, being that you are a woman surrounded by men, sounds like you pretty much have your pick of the litter. get to know these guys and see if there is potential for something meaningful with one of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 4:00pm
that's funny. my senior year of college, i was thinking JUST like you! i wanted someone to hang around with and have fun with, but i didn't want anything serious because we were all going to graduate and go our separate ways...

i ended up getting together with a guy who lived in my dorm, mostly because it was convenient. as much as i tried to set myself boundaries, i still did get quite attached to him. then, as graduation approached, we both ended up getting job offers in the same city, so we didn't have to break up after all. we ended up staying together for 2 more years after school ended, and we even talked about marriage (although in the end it wasn't meant to be).

so, i say, don't overthink this too much! if you meet someone you want to spend time with, just go for it and see where it takes you. life's too unpredictable to try to plan it all in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:29pm
I agree, don't over think it, I know it sounds cliched but just go with whatever comes up and don't let fear of getting hurt rob you of having experiences. In my first year at university, I fell for an exchange student. I knew what would happen in the end, but I decided to be reckless (I'm usually not) and put a lot of effort into pursuing her (another thing I don't usually do). It paid off and we ended up having the best relationship I have had to date (will ever have?). It lasted for a year and a half after she left, but it was very difficult for us to visit with our time and budget constraints. That strain, plus my own issues, finaly resulted in the end of our relationship. That REALLY sucked, it was worse than my fears. However, I don't regret a second of it, and we are still best friends and talk and write quite frequently. She taught me a lot about myself (a few things I didn't really like, lol) and I would be a completely different person now if we had never hooked up. This IS a happy story, so my advice is damn the torpedoes...

I don't think the exclusive sexual relationship without emotional involvement plan is a very good idea. It just will not work. It will either be emotional or short lived or non-exclusive or some disastrous combination. I have never known anywone to pull off the friends with benefits idea for very long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:00pm
Yea those are a lot of the thoughts I've had. I guess that's why I'm on here asking for ideas, there's only about 3 or 4 guys that would have any real potential but they think they're all too old for me. I think that nothing matters race, age, sex, etc. but when another person does, you can't really change their minds. I also have an ex here. We were together for a year and long story short both ended up at this awesome college. He broke it off with me but obviously not for another girl. Anyways I fear that if I were to have a relationship that he might mess with it and try to hurt me. He has a way with words that's just amazing whether that be bad or good. The idea was that we would be friends and work on our friendship then get back together. That's not going to work I don't want him back nor would I take him back because he treated me very poorly (emotionally). So I'm pretty much stuck confused. I've been going with the flow but sometimes you do need to work for what you want. I was hurt for a little bit over my ex but I find that when I get hurt it only makes me stronger. I'm not on the rebound whatsoever. I just don't know what would be the best idea. The reason I've ruled out the other guys is because a good portion of them are in a program called OSR (outdoor semister in the rockies) so they won't be around at all, and the other guys only care about getting drunk. They're aren't in the least bit responsible and I just wouldn't be able to have anything more than maybe a friendship with them. Any advice at all will help! thanks
Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:17pm
I'm old fashioned and think that a purely sexual relationship is a very bad idea. One never knows what the future has in store for us. Just because you will be there for 2 years does not rule out the possibility of finding a person who you could have a serous relationship with. Don't cheapen yourself by looking for a friend with benefits situation because they sound better than they are. One or both can get emotionally hurt. Go with the flow and try to find someone with whom you are compatibile and see where it takes you. Seeking true love is the greatest goal in life. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 12:08am
My personal advice...

Although I find nothing wrong with aiming for a long-term relationship, I'm not so certain that it NEEDS to be done , nor do I think that it should be done by simply picking the best of the litter that is currently within immediate reach.

I feel it'd be wiser to , wait for the best, wait for what is best for you, both of you...

...rather than rushing into 'any' decent relationship by choosing from an immediate selection within reach and thats it.

You're also very wise to focus on what a man can offer your future together, but only as long as it doesn't place unrealistic expectations on him and your relationship.

Just speaking from experience. Hope the two cents provide some ideas for ya. :)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

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