Should I tell her before we have sex??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Should I tell her before we have sex??
8
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 6:52pm

I need some advice. After a long break from dating I have begun to do so again and after some great dates with a wonderful woman we are getting closer to having sex for the first time. Here is my concern - should I tell her before we have sex that my "endowment" is 3.5? I know the subject would have to be brought up very carefully but there would be some advantages to talking about it "up front", for example: 1. she'll know beforehand and won't be so surprised when she sees me for the first time. (From past experience every sexually experienced woman I've ever dated has been to some degree shocked when she initially sees my penis.) 2. She'll be far less likely to say something that's embarrassing for us both. (That's definitely been an issue in past love relationships.) 3. I'll know early on if this is a potential issue for us as lovers and also as a couple.

Now I know that for some women this is NOT an issue. Most of the women I've been lovers with were just fine with it after we'd made love a few times and they learned that I'm pretty darn good in bed. BUT for some women size is a deal breaker - either too big or too small. I've had several potential lovers tell me that my size was "much too small" for them and they would not even give me a chance in bed. "I don't want to hurt your feelings but... I need alot more than that to fill me up. I had a bf in college that was about your size and it just wasn't very good so I broke up with him. Sorry." Game over. Understandably I want to avoid replaying this movie. My present gf and I have a good relationship and I'm sure we could talk about just about anything in an open, honest way. I do know she is very sexually experienced from our discussions. But having never discussed this issue before with a potential lover - should I bring it up or just go for it and deal with it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 9:52pm

I once had a guy who was similar size to you. He didn't warn me, and I didn't have a problem with it. And like you, he was a great lover so it didn't matter at all to me.

I'm not sure that there is a right or wrong way to deal with this. In my case, I've often felt a need to warn men upfront that I'm prone to Female Ejaculation but in reality, I've never really found a good way to do it. In the end, I just end up doing it and he's just gotten over the shock in due course. And like you, their reactions aren't always positive ones. It's not nice to leave your partner shocked, is it?

If *I* was your girlfriend, I would prefer to not be warned. If you did tell me earlier, I think I'd be inclined to dwell on it too much. Where as if I simply discovered it and then got on with things, I'd very quickly discover that you more than make up for it in other ways.

But this is just me. I'm sure that other women would feel differently - which is why I say that there's no right or wrong.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 10:30pm

I would rather not be told, but that's just me.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 11:37pm
All I can say is that I wonder why you'd want to be with a woman who would be so cold and/or cruel to comment on your size as if it was a deal breaker. Then let the deal be broken! She'll be the loser! You've learned other ways to please a woman....and if she feels you wouldn't "fill" her, then let her move on. The majority of women, if they care for you, will NOT care about it. Most women, if they're with a good lover, and they're honest, will be satisfied by the time it comes to intercourse, and they'll be very happy with what you have to offer. Let's face it, you can't change it, and if she doesn't like it, why would you care if she ends it.


Edited 5/28/2005 11:39 pm ET ET by greenteabag
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 1:26am
IMO if you tell her prior then you are undermining all your other attributes. I would not want to know. Let her decide for herself! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 10:55am

Go ahead and bring up the topic and see what sort of tales/experience/opinions she has on the matter.

If you want to hear about other guys in your same predicament, check out a site called Thunder's Place. Pretty supportive bunch of guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 1:11pm
Thanks for the advice so far folks. I really appreciate it. If I do bring the subject up with her it would be in the context of, "From what you've told me you've had quite a few lovers - has your lover's size ever been an issue for you? I've heard various opinions on this subject from women I've known. How do you feel about this?" and then give her some room to talk. I think the ladies here have some good points though. Talking about the specific size of my penis up front may make her focus on it too much when we do have sex - and that would be a bad thing. Plus it sounds too clinical anyway. I think if the moment is right telling her I'm shorter than average would be better. What do you all think about this approach? It does matter to me to know how she feels about this beforehand because I really really like her and I would be very bummed out if she reacted negatively. That would hurt because I seriously want to be this lady's lover.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 3:57pm
I don't see why you couldn't tell her. If it were me, and a man said it to me in a way that he was concerned that it would be an issue, I'd be very understanding. Afterall, it doesn't seem to be an issue for you(insecurities), you just want to make sure it's not for her. If you care about someone, you should be able to discuss how you feel about anything(being open and honest). If that's how you feel, then express it. As an aside, it's most logical that she's prepared, regardless. I mean we all expect that it's either going to be very small, small, medium, large, or very large. A man doesn't get to choose what his size is. If she wants to be with the man, she'll take whatever he's got. If she cares about you, it won't be an issue.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 9:57pm

I have done a fair amount of reading over the years and have often
read that only the bottom 2" or so of the vagina feels much. This
suggests that anything over 2" long could be excessive. I
have also read of women feeling uncomfortable when a longer penis
bumps into their cervix. I personally felt inadequate until I read
that the white european average was just a bit over 5" and then I
realized that the 7-to-14-inchers are the odd ones, not me. I think
this "thing" people have about size is sort of urban legend by now.
Sounds like a longer penis can be a liability as often as its an
asset. And I have not read very many complaints by women about
shorter penises; I think they care less than guys do about length.
Guys have what they have, and its not really the wand that does the
magic, its the magician.

If it makes you feel better to bring it up ahead of time then do so,
I think you have a well-thought-out approach.

One lady remarked on female ejaculation; I was forewarned by such a
lady, she gave me a thin booklet to read ahead of time so that I was
reasonably well-informed before she "squirted". I'm glad she did, it
was still a surprise to me, but not an unpleasant one, and I learned
to value her for this trait. Its more-rare than you'd think, and her
orgasms are extremely satisfying. I neglected to ask if she was "taught"
or she learned on her own.

Big