Should you tell a guy you can't orgasm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Should you tell a guy you can't orgasm?
9
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 4:22pm
Hi

Just wondering if guys would prefer for a girl in a new relationship to tell him up front that she can't have an orgasm from sex... I always feel it the best thing to do because I can see him tryinig so hard, holding out himself to make it work for me.. when I know it is not likely to happen. But.. I don't want to 1. make myself look like I have a 'problem' or 2. make him feel defeated that he will never succeed with me

I've struggle with this for quite some time... guys don't want to be with a girl who can't enjoy sex to its fullest... i'm sure of that. But until it happens there isn't much I can do. I want a guy to understand and help me ... but i don't want to set it up for a problem.

ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 4:32pm

You are no different from many women, so there really is no problem.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:00pm
Hi londoness.

Communication really is the best tool & technique in sexual relationships, in my honest opinion. I'd think the trust that you have in each other would enable you to let him know that there have been times a bit of difficulty for you to orgasm from sex.



Although there are tons of ideas to help you orgasm more easily, there may still be times when each of our bodies aren't quite ready for sex or orgasm regardless. My wife has said more than once that she wasn't sure why she or her body wasn't into it on a particular night and had simply said, "I have an idea that might help me along." If it worked, great. If not, no problem, other times she'd just say that her body wasn't into it this time or that but she still wanted to please me, whether it was manual or oral or even something else.

Again, these are just simple ideas.

If you're still unable to orgasm for whatever reason, then I think it would at least help to let him know that you're still enjoying yourself through whatever pleasure he CAN provide you and that you still appreciate it. Remind him that as special as orgasm is, it shouldn't be viewed as a goal and that your sexual relationship is that physical expression of love. Just saying that may actually help take is mind off of viewing it as a failure so much. I say again, just an idea.

Just so you know, there are GREAT ideas for increasing pleasure leading to orgasms. So you still have hope in avoiding these situations at all. Have you any complaints about foreplay? Has he done oral on you? Have you tried various positions for intercourse? Addressing these issues, if you have them that is, would be FAR beneficial for you. Here's a couple of links, just in case:

http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/sex/no/articles/0,,544153_633458-1,00.html

Sexual Pleasure: Orgasms & More

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlpleasurepr

Hope this helps, there's plenty more from these nice people here too. Good luck!

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:42pm
i think it's a good idea to share this information with a guy once you get sexual. you may want to consider how you phrase it though. as opposed to saying "i can't" (which is probably not even true) why don't you say "i haven't had one yet."

many women don't have one until they are in a really intimate relationship, where they feel they feel open and can trust their partner.

make sure to emphasize that you still very much enjoy the things he does to you (if you enjoy them, or if not, gently give him some pointers). it is important that just because you don't have an orgasm, it doesn't become focussed mostly on his pleasure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 6:10pm
No, you shouldn't tell a man that, because it's not true! Yes, you CAN have orgasms....but you're like 80% of women who do NOT have them from Intercourse alone. Most women need clitoral stimulation to have orgasms, during intercourse, or any other part of sex.

It's also possible that you just haven't learned how yet, and as someone else mentioned, a lot of it has to do with the intensity of the feelings involved, and your trust in yourself and your partner.

Orgasms are NOT the reason you have sex, and it shouldn't matter to a man whether or not you have them....all he needs to worry about is if you're enjoying everything he's doing. If you are, and if you take the pressure off yourself, you might have them. It doesn't matter if the man is the best lover in the world, if you don't have orgasms, it's NOT his fault. All he can do is provide the stimulation, the rest is up to you, so he doesn't have to feel like less of a man, it has nothing to do with him. If a man can't understand that, then he's got ego problems of his own, and he certainly knows nothing about a woman's body.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:29am
Thanks for the responses, very nice insight. What I actually said with this last guy was "I just want to let you know I don't usually come from sex, so you don't kill yourself trying"... or some such wording. I didn't want to tell him I'd never had one from sex, so I tried to soften it a bit, but I was kind of getting tired and being our first time having sex I didn't know what else to say. He replied with a bit of a look of shock and said, "oh, well i don't have a problem, so..." By him saying that I immediately felt like he looked at me like I did have a 'problem'... I told him it still felt nice but I of course was still thinking about it. I wanted to get some advice before I am with him for the 2nd time (if there is a 2nd time). I can give myself an orgasm just about anytime I want - but it's been a long time since a guy has been able to give me one at all.. in any way. There was one guy many years ago who could do it on demand but I've struggled with even the manual stimulation I get from guys in the last few years - they don't usually seem to know what to do and don't take instruction too well. With this guy we didn't do that - just went straight to sex.




Edited 8/28/2004 10:32 am ET ET by londoness75
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 11:27am
Thanks for the extra insight, it helps understand your situation better. I still see good news for you in the sense that you "know" you can orgasm and can do so even from a guy.

It sounds like you've already figured out that your recent one(s) aren't as experienced NOR as willing to learn like your one guy many years ago who could actually please you on demand. As I indicated earlier, communication in my honest opinion is still going to be our best sex tool with a partner.

If you have a partner who is difficult when it comes to learning what you need and learning how to do things the way you need them, then THAT is an issue right there whether you get to sex or not. Hopefully a guy you find great enough to have sex with would also be a guy great enough to keep trying to communicate with you about it too, and that you're able to talk with him about this without him being too difficult. Can't really 'advise' you on choosing to be with someone who cares about your needs or someone who doesn't even when you offer to discuss learning with him...

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 5:02pm
"I just want to let you know I don't usually come from sex, so you don't kill yourself trying"... or some such wording. I didn't want to tell him I'd never had one from sex, so I tried to soften it a bit, but I was kind of getting tired and being our first time having sex I didn't know what else to say. He replied with a bit of a look of shock and said, "oh, well i don't have a problem, so..." By him saying that I immediately felt like he looked at me like I did have a 'problem"


Yea a lot of us guys tend to be ignorant and brush off comments like that without trying to communicate and help change that. You have talk about it to him.... not in a way that it makes him feel its his fault....just tell him what you like and how you like it....i am sure he will listen.

Communication is important even if us guys don't take the instructions well you can't just give up keep teaching...it pays off in the end :P


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 5:18pm
There's a big part of your problem. If he's going straight for the intercourse, then of course nothing is going to happen. HE should know that, and since he doesn't then you'd better tell him. That's not saying he'll change his ways, but by then you'll know he's in it for the sex, and really doesn't CARE about your pleasure. Women need to learn to speak up.....and educate guys like that. Probably every other woman he's been with faked it, instead of teaching what he should be doing. So, he looks at YOU like something is wrong with you because you're honest with him. (Most guys THINK they can tell if a woman is faking, and they haven't got a clue!)

It all depends on the guy whether or not he'll listen to what you have to say, but if he does, he'll be "educated", and you'll both be happier.

You almost can't blame a guy like that.....if no one has told him how a woman's body works. They start out thinking that your vagina is the be-all end-all of a woman's pleasure, because THEY love being there. They don't have a clue that it's our clitoris that's our REAL sexual organ. They'll never know unless a woman has the guts to TELL them. If women fake, then they think they're doing a fantastic job, and they're not.

If he's a decent guy who's as concerned with your pleasure as he is with his own, he'll listen, and he'll learn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 6:20pm
<<just went straight to sex.>>>

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd