Shyness, low libido or what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Shyness, low libido or what?
28
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 9:32am

I have been dating a very nice guy for about three months now. In all this time this guy has not gone beyond a good night kiss. We will also hold hands a little, like when crossing a busy street, or walking into a crowded place, or watching a scary film. That's all. This relationship is not moving fast enough for me.

We are both on the far side of middle-age (almost fifty/over fifty). We've both been divorced for a few years. We get along well we like many of the same things. We have fun. He has not asked me to stop dating other men, but he acts as though we are in a relationship. Except that he hardly touches me.

I am super frustrated. Is this a shyness problem, a libido problem or do you think he just doesn't find *me* attractive enough and just dates me because we have mutual friends and he doesn't have anything better to do? What can I do to find out?

Mame

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 11:14am

How about asking him? How about YOU making a move? Neither of you is children....if he was married, he knows all about sex. What KIND of kisses are the "goodnight" kisses?
Maybe he's got some problems, and doesn't know how to deal with them. At his age, he could be on various medications that might cause sexual problems. Or maybe he just has a problem, and hasn't seen a doctor about it.

There's really no way of knowing what's going on without discussing it and getting an answer. It's been three months, and I see no reason that you have to be frustrated...you need answers, and to get them, you have to ask questions. There is always the possibility of him thinking of you as "just a friend", too. If you're looking for more than just "friendship", better to find out sooner than later.

PS: Almost fifty/over fifty is hardly on the FAR side of middle age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 4:14pm

The goodnight kisses are more than a peck but less than a long smooch (a short smooch?). We *have* made progress (they used to be pecks). And I *have* made some of the moves--the pecks became more like smooches because I lean into the kiss and move my lips, so he got the message that more was wanted, I think. Also, we hold hands now because I began grabbing his hand, and now he grabs mine on his own sometimes. What worries me is if something interferes, he doesn't go back to holding hands like he enjoys it. It's like he forgets that we were holding hands.

I tried the trick of putting my hand on his thigh when we are driving or sitting someplace alone. (It used to really turn on my ex--but we were in our 20's then.) He will usually put his hand over my hand sort of affectionately, but he doesn't seem all that excited.

I worry that if I make too many of the moves he will think I am some kind of nympho. Maybe he thinks the behavior that was okay when we were in our 20's and 30's is not okay after 45. (He's older than me too. I'm not 50 yet.)

I don't know how I can ask him without making him think I'm criticizing him or else that I am a nympho.

Re: "the far side of middle-age," I think after 45 is the "far side" of middle-age. Most people live to between 80 and 90, so middle-age has got to be 40 to 50 at most.

I don't feel middle-age though. I feel young and horny. :( Any suggestions on how I can turn this guy on without shocking him?

Mame

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 8:18pm

I have a learned fear of what I consider "crazy women", particularly in the universe of the divorced. Some women react violently,even instigate police charges when a man makes a move toward sex. There are people in the "divorced" universe who are unwilling to have any sexual activity until they are married. These people are a minority. but are enough to scare me away.

I have learned that things work fine when a lady indicates her willingness, either by talk or moving my hands around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2001
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 9:45pm

I'm a few years older than your gentleman friend and, although I'm married, I've thought that if I ever found myself single and started dating again I'd probably act much like he's acting. Although my reasons for not making a move on a woman, even though I'm attracted to her, may be different than his, there may be some similarities. In my case, I've been married for more than 30 years to a woman who, at best, is indifferent toward sex. She's never initiated sex or ever done anything during sex but just lie there, and she certainly has never tried to make me feel desired. If I ever again have the choice of being in another relationship like that, or to be alone, I'll choose the latter. As a result, I'm not going to commit myself to a woman until I'm sure that she at least has a libido and, more importantly, feels desire for me (assuming that a woman like that actually exists). Look at things from his perspective. Have you done or said anything that would lead him to believe that you have ANY interest in sex, or that you have any desire for him? If not, then maybe he hasn't made a move because he doesn't want to get into another one-sided sexual relationship.

Another explanation would be that for men our age the equipment isn't nearly as reliable as it was when we were younger, especially if it hasn't been used in a long time. Given the pressure having to first convince her, and then having to perform, it's highly likely that there may be a 'failure to launch'. That may be less likely if I'm with a woman who is obviously interested in having sex with me and may actually be trying to get me aroused, so the temptation would be to wait until she initiates something.

He may have similar concerns, or it may be something else. The best way to find out is to ask him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 10:02pm

RE: " Have you done or said anything that would lead him to believe that you have ANY interest in sex, or that you have any desire for him? "

Doesn't trying to get a real kiss and grabbing his hand whenever possible count? Also, I have talked about things like how much I enjoy silk against my skin, how I am very sensuous in some ways, etc. If he met me halfway and gave me some encouragement, I could do more. My problem is I worry he is going to be shocked. It isn't just women like your wife who seem to lose interest in sex. Some men do too.

I'm not saying that he should have tried to get me into bed. I don't know I am ready for that. Only, I think, a little more passion in the kissing and some sign that he wants to touch me would make me feel he is interested in something more than a platonic friendship.

Maybe I'll talk to him, but what can I say that won't sound like a criticism? "I wonder why you don't touch me?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2001
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 10:22pm

"Doesn't trying to get a real kiss and grabbing his hand whenever possible count?"

Nope. For a man who is deeply cynical about a woman having any interest in sex, subtle hints aren't going to work. You're going to have to show him what you want. If you're not comfortable with that, then maybe you could just tell him what you want, and then ask him if he wants to same thing. No need to criticize his past behavior, just find out if what you want and what he wants have anything in common.

If you don't feel comfortable with that, then maybe you could make a mix CD with songs that hint at what you want. You know, songs like "Don't you want me?" by the Human League, "Do you think I'm sexy?" by Rod Stewart, "Let's spend the night together" by the Rolling Stones, or even "Why don't we do it in the road?" by the Beatles, LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 11:32pm

YOu need to TALK to him. If the fact that you'd like to get physical would make him think you're a nympho......then there's something wrong with HIM. If that's the case, better to find out sooner, than later.

Unless you open up some kind of dialogue, you're not going to know what's going on. It's pretty obvious that he's not going to.

There are so many things that can be going on.....you'll never know what unless you get him to talk to you. There's nothing wrong with being sexual at ANY age.....I'm 71, and was in a very sexual relationship with a man my age until recently, and I miss it a lot. HE was like a 20 year old, too.

He might be shy, he might not be "into" sex, he might have physical or emotional problems...and until you talk about it, you'll never know, and there's no point in "imagining" what's going on. Try moving that hand higher up his thigh, and see what happens, lol It seems like he's not going to start anything.....so either start talking or resign yourself to a brother/sister relationship....or no relationship at all.

The kissing hasn't worked, the hand on the thigh hasn't worked....maybe just ask him point blank if he has any physical interest in you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

PS: I just read your last post.....and all I can say is that if you're frustrated by his lack of interest, and if talking to him scares him away, then you haven't lost much, because he's not interested in providing what you want. Maybe as Rice said, he was married to a woman who had no interest in sex....and he thinks all women are like that. Maybe you should ask him what kind of sex life he had when he was married.




Edited 3/7/2007 11:40 pm ET by sakura2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:28am

My mama told me that girls who went right out and said they wanted sex were cheap. I think my gentleman friend may have have heard the same from his parents, so I'm sure not going to tell him that I want sex and risk losing his respect.

Seems to me this is his problem as much as it is mine. If he wants sex, he needs to come out and give me a hint. I can take a hint. If he continues to act like he doesn't care if we touch or kiss, then I am going to start thinking he's only a platonic friend.

I'm just as afraid of rejection as he could be. I can think of some broader hints, but I sure can't see myself talking about it unless he gives me some encouragement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:45am

I don't think I know him well enough to ask him about his sex life with his wife. He is a very private man. Plus, I don't want to talk about my sex life with my ex. It doesn't see right.

But you are right, I need to find a way to talk about it. Not so much the sex part, but why he doesn't kiss or hug me more, perhaps.

I could wait for intimacy -- it's the lack of hugging and touching and just general erotic response that bugs me. If he doesn't feel anything for me, why does he kiss me goodnight? Why does he insist on paying for dates, etc.?

Are there men with such low libidos that they are satisfied with a kiss and a little handholding?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 1:24am

Of course there are men who aren't interested, just as there are women who aren't! The reason I said to ask about his married life.....maybe he was married to a woman who hated sex, and he's just lost interest. There are so many possibilities, so many things that could be going on, and there is only ONE way to find out what the problem is. And that is to come right out and ask. I'm really thinking he has a problem, and he'd rather avoid it alltogether than deal with it. After six months in a relationship, it's not normal that it wouldn't have come up (pun intended!).

At your age, haven't you figured out yet that what your Mama told you wasn't always right, and it was told to a young girl.....in different times. That was many years ago, and you're a big girl now, capable of making your own decisions about what's right, and what's wrong. You're also too young to get stuck in a sexless relationship, because you're obviously interested in sex, and you should be. There's nothing "cheap" about a mature adult female being interested in sex.

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