Shyness, low libido or what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Shyness, low libido or what?
28
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 9:32am

I have been dating a very nice guy for about three months now. In all this time this guy has not gone beyond a good night kiss. We will also hold hands a little, like when crossing a busy street, or walking into a crowded place, or watching a scary film. That's all. This relationship is not moving fast enough for me.

We are both on the far side of middle-age (almost fifty/over fifty). We've both been divorced for a few years. We get along well we like many of the same things. We have fun. He has not asked me to stop dating other men, but he acts as though we are in a relationship. Except that he hardly touches me.

I am super frustrated. Is this a shyness problem, a libido problem or do you think he just doesn't find *me* attractive enough and just dates me because we have mutual friends and he doesn't have anything better to do? What can I do to find out?

Mame

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 8:12am

There is only one way to find out and that is to talk to him and let him know what you want.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:05am

Three months, not six! We've been dating for around three months--almost four, I guess. Some of our early meetings were ambiguous--we spent the time together at a party that we'd both been invited to individually, for ex. So as far as "real dates" where he asks me out, picks me up, insists on paying and kisses me good night, we've had maybe nine. (He was also out of town for two weekends this year.)

Yeah, I never listened to my mother about everything, not even when I was a kid. Only thing is, I want this guy's good opinion, so I don't want to mess things up. Maybe *he* listened to his mama. (It would sure explain his rather unphysical behavior.)

I keep hearing about guys that want more sex, but except for one who was really aggressive too soon, most of the guys who come my way seem to be rather "turned off."

I can wait for sex. (That's what masturbation is for, among other things.) I'm also very conservative in my practices and desires. I just don't want to give up on sex altogether, and this guy is not giving me a promise of future sex, if you know what I mean.




Edited 3/8/2007 9:10 am ET by oldmame
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:25am

Well, then, you just keep making excuses for him and for yourself. I don't know what else to tell you. You keep saying you're worried about a sexless future, but you don't want to do anything to find out if that's what it is.

It would be wonderfuly if you could read his mind, but you can't. End of story!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:34am

I was kind of joking about my mama. What I meant was that I worry what he will think because I don't know how much he believed what his mama told him about women. Could be he is inhibited by something in his upbringing not by having a cold ex-wife (as others here speculated).

The reason I am reluctant to talk about this with him is that one guy who tried to get me into bed recently failed because he was much too hasty. He was pushy and offensive by my standards. Another woman might have been okay with it. (I don't know.) So with this guy, I don't want to be the aggressor and have him respond the way I responded to the other guy.

Also, I want sex, but I could wait a while. I don't think we need to jump in the sack right away. Only I want to know that he has some sexual desire for me. (Even if it is controlled by shyness, or fear of commitment, or old-fashioned morals etc.)

Maybe the thing to do is ask him what he thinks about physical affection between people our age, and let him tell me his thoughts about the subject without focusing on him or me. Then I can tell him what I think and it'll be more than a hint but it won't be "embarrassingly personal" for either of us.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 6:46pm

Since you've been dating for three months, it would be perfectly reasonable and appropriate to talk with him about it at this point. Mention your concerns, feelings and needs, and see if he is willing to satisfy them.

However it turns out, it is always best to be on the same page with someone in a relationship, and talking will at least accomplish that much.

I think you will be relieved once it is brought out into the open and these things are clarified. Maybe you will even be pleasantly surprised by his response.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 8:31pm

Sakura,
I guess my first message wasn't clear. I am not worried about a sexless future. I figure if things remain sexless, I will move on as soon as someone better comes around.

I wanted to know if people thought this hesitation to be sexual was normal in a man in his early fifties. Does it sound like shyness or low libido or what.

I know that asking him would give me some answers, but I am not ready to do that yet (if ever).

Thanks,

Mame

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 8:35pm
Thanks Mr. Steubing. I may bring it up indirectly. I just don't feel ready to do the "what about you and me," talk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2001
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:16pm

"this guy is not giving me a promise of future sex, if you know what I mean."

Based upon what you've told us, you're not exactly giving him a promise of future sex either. For all he can tell, you're the one who's satisfied with holding hands and the occasional kiss.

While we're at it, why is it a rule that if a woman has decided that, eventually, at the proper time, she's going to let a man have sex with her, she CAN'T TELL HIM, so that he won't give up on her? I wonder if any of the woman I wanted to sex with, but didn't make a move because I didn't think I had a chance, were disappointed because I didn't try something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 7:42am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 7:50am

<<giving him a promise of future sex either. For all he can tell, you're the one who's satisfied with holding hands and the occasional kiss.>>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd