Size, preference and honesty

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Registered: 12-23-2003
Size, preference and honesty
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Mon, 01-10-2005 - 1:47pm

I've been hanging around here for a little while now and I have read many comments to the effect that if a woman feels her partner's penis is too small, she shouldn't tell him.

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 2:54pm

I have to say that essentially it comes down to how much this man/realtionship really means to you, doesn't it? Because I just don't believe that there is NO way to train oneself to respond to other stimulation. Where there is a will, there is always a way. We have to adjust all the time and we certainly expect MEN to learn to last longer during intercourse, don't we? Even though that's not their natural inclination.

But I certainly never advocated that a woman should pretend or fake anything in a relationship, only take responsibility for her own pleasure. I think introducing a vibrator or dildo in bed, if needed, is far preferable to telling your guy that he doesn't measure up. And sex therapy as a couple makes even more sense.

And I would say that it would be better, from a man's point of view anyway, to change your mind about having sex after seeing his size and being disappointed, then to essentially lie about it and continue on. IF penis size is a priority for a woman, then the time to be honest about it is right at the beginning, NOT after establishing a relationship!

And I don't think we coddle men's egos by being sensitive. After all, a man is expected to "get it up" in bed and a woman isn't. She can just lie there with her legs open, if nothing else. So the mental and emotional aspects of a man's sexuality are more crucial to his being able to perform than it is for a woman. A woman can still provide sexually for her partner even if she isn't aroused, but a man can't. So telling him that he isn't good enough might only serve to make the size problem a moot point, IMO. He might not be able to perform again at all.




Edited 1/10/2005 3:05 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
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Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 4:07pm

I agree with Kat....if it's not necessary to "say it"....then don't. It all depends on the man you're dealing with. Maybe he "knows" he's small, but he also might already have some hang-ups about it, and rubbing it in sure isn't going to help his self-image. There are other guys, who are well-adjusted, and can handle it......in the same way you say you would handle being told that your breasts are too small or too big. Unfortunately, the guys that post here about their size are obviously worried about it, or they wouldn't be asking the questions.

As for working around it....well, if it's a new relationship, I can see where you don't want to bother, and just want to move on. But, what would happen if you were in a long term relationship or marriage that was great in every way, then all of a sudden your partner developed ED? Would you just end the relationship, or would you find a way to get your pleasure despite it?

There are no cut and dried answers to this. If you prefer big...that's what you prefer, and you have to make the decisions about someone who meets your needs in every other way, but not that.

There was a post on one of these boards from a guy who hasn't even had a relationship yet, but he's worrying ahead of time that he isn't big enough. He gave his size which was on the small side of average. Should he have been told that he might as well join a monastery, because no woman would ever want him? Or, should the person who had the audacity to say "HAHAHAHAH, I've never seen a pee-pee that small" have said THAT? That was unnecessary cruelty! If the guy has hang ups before he's ever been with a woman.....he needs his ego bolstered, or he'll be one of the guys who can't get or keep an erection for the rest of his life. Believe me, if he's a good guy, SOME woman will love him for what he is, not what he has. And a guy like that doesn't need to be "shot down" by some woman who TELLS him that he's too small.

Honesty is great, but at the same time it should be tempered with kindness. You hopefully know WHO you're dealing with when you decide how honest you should be.
That's just my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 5:05pm

First of all, I'm not so sure about this size being so sacred anymore than I am about breast size either. I personally think the "sacredness" of it all should actually be the FIT of the couple TOGETHER, and not necessarily the insignificance of individual sizes.

I've mentioned this before on another string, and I'll mention it again...

Some people are just more attracted to what they--individually--view as either more feminine or more masculine. Certain body sizes, shapes, or even how much or how little hair or even what the shade of color something is or the tonage or what have you...those things really do affect people's viewpoint of how masculine or feminine someone is. Some things play a role to some of us on a more or a lesser scale than others, but there nonetheless.

Anyway, when it comes to the FIT of the couple, those things aren't always going to pan out no matter WHAT the size is. There are women out there who just don't want anything bigger than 5" anyway, whereas other women would prefer no less than 8! Too many different people with too many different traits to worry about which is more enjoyable for "the masses" in my opinion, LOL!

NOW...when it comes to telling the male partner that the size is just not enough, then let me share with you what I read on a male message board one time. You see, the lady involved actually mentioned that she herself was just a bit loose and wondered if her gentleman would be opposed to introducing a toy or something that he could actually slip over his penis to add that extra little size onto him. Opposed at first, but appreciated her so much that it actually helped and they ended having a real blast with it.

Anyway, thats an example that I'll never forget when it comes to HOW something is mentioned rather than not mentioning it at all. YES, if the man involved has ssssssssssuch an issue with his physiology already, then it WILL be problematic bringing it up. One thing I remember my Mrs. commenting on when reading that was quite funny:

"If that guy already worries about his size anyway, then why can't she just tell him to try new things that will help take his worries off of it and satisfy them BOTH for sure anyway?"

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 5:25pm

Sounds like a spin-off of the other thread... :o)

Well, I'll try not to repeat myself again here. I just can't imagine the practicality of kat's theory... the woman shouldn't pretend or fake AND shouldn't be truthful about her unsatisfication? So how should she respond during sex? Fakely moan or not? If the man asks after sex if she's satisfied, how should she respond? I agree with being gentle and kind about it, but the bottomline is the issue will be addressed UNLESS the woman pretends and fakes. I agree with the woman taking responsibility (assuming all this is about relationships with real feelings involved), so she should let her partner know that she loves him and she wants to make the relationship work, and they should together try to find solutions... positions, techniques, various sex toys, therapy, etc. It's not just one partner's problem or responsibility.

>>>Because I just don't believe that there is NO way to train oneself to respond to other stimulation.<<< Well, there are women who don't orgasm from vaginal intercourse (and therefore their needs for foreplay/oral/manual are justified), but there ARE women (perhaps a minority but they're out there, like OP) who don't orgasm from foreplay/oral/manual but from vaginal, why aren't their needs just as significant? Or are you suggesting this applies to women who want foreplay as well? That they can also learn to orgasm by intercourse alone if that's what their partners want to do?

Anyway, I agree that the woman mustn't be rude or lie about it... it's down to the fine art of good communication. And vice versa if the situation reverses.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 5:49pm

"Spin off?" Well, I thought that was the OP's point, wasn't it? To elaborate on the subject?

But once again, rainbow, you're still trying to put words in my mouth. I never said NOT to express one's feelings. I said that it's all in the the WAY you do it and WHEN you do it! Do you think it's wise to wait until you're already in an established relationship to express your discontent or right away when you first see his erection and are disappointed or concerned?

Your suggested approach of saying "sorry honey, but your penis/vagina just doesn't do it for me" is different than "I don't seem to be getting enough stimulation doing it the way we are. Maybe we can try something different." Which would you rather hear?

And as I ALSO said, working together will usually improve, if not solve, most response problems. As well as considering a professional to guide you to better communication and ideas. But blaming your partner for your own lack of response isn't fair or likely to make the problem better.

Once again, depending on how important your man is to you, will determine what, how and IF you are willing to make possible sacrifices to remain in the relationship. Sacrifice and adjustment aren't dirty words in my marriage and we went in knowing that we both would have to make them.




Edited 1/10/2005 6:24 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
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Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 5:50pm

So, if a woman can dump a man because his penis is too small and be honest about it.....can a man dump a woman because she's too loose and be honest about it?

"You know, hon....I really like you, but when we have sex it's like rattling a sausage in a tin can. You're so loose that I can't feel anything."

I'm sorry, but I can't ever see a reason to be honest about why you're breaking up if it's a size issue. Just lie and be happy in the knowledge that you've not done any harm.




Edited 1/10/2005 5:52 pm ET ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 6:13pm

"You see, the lady involved actually mentioned that she herself was a bit loose and wondered if her gentleman would be opposed to introducing a toy or something he could actually slip over his penis to add a little extra size to him."

And that's been my point all along. This wise woman took responsibility for HER problem and approached it with her guy in that way. She never had to say anything potentially hurtful or damaging about his body to get the same result.

I don't think size IS a taboo or sacred subject for all men although I don't know any who would not cringe if theirs was criticized by a lover. I just don't think you can ever go wrong by using sensitivity and compassion to express yourself with a partner rather than brutal honesty.




Edited 1/10/2005 6:26 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
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Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 8:01pm

First of all, it is

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 2:23am

I think you did the right thing to break it off when you discovered and were turned off by your friend's penis size. Why get involved with a man you aren't sexually attracted to? So, I agree with your choice.

But I do feel it's shallow to leave an established, and otherwise good relationship, simply because of penis size. Much as it is for men to leave their wives after they give birth, perhaps put on a little weight, begin to sag or lose that initial sex appeal. In other words, begin to change with age. Isn't that having a preference, as well? But it is a choice, I agree.

And I never said that having preferences means one has a problem, only when one refuses to accept responsibility for a lack of response and putting all the onus on her partner to solve it FOR HER.

But really, in the case with your friend, there is no way you can know how your discussion really affected him emotionally because he likely wouldn't say. He may have told you that it didn't affect him adversely but I'm betting it did to some degree. I've heard from many male friends who remember in vivid detail when a lover critiqued their erections or performance and how long it affected their self esteem. People may ask for the honest truth but in reality, probably want reassurance, particularly from a lover. Sounds as if he bounced back so I hope, if it affected him at all, it was only temporary.

And I'm sorry but you completely misunderstood my point about men having to perform and women not having to. I'm certainly not advocating women lying there like a tuna with their legs open and a blank, bored stare!

I meant that the same pressure is not there for a woman to get an organ up to begin the act. Of course, there may be SELF imposed pressure for a woman to respond and orgasm but it wouldn't really keep her partner from enjoying the act, if she didn't. And again, we aren't talking about the optimum experience here, where both partners are aroused and enjoying both the physical and emotional lovemaking. We're talking JUST about the mechanics of achieving the act itself.

Men have to get and keep an erection to perform but women can still participate even when they may not be in the mood. We all know that. Believe me, after almost 28 yrs. of marriage, I KNOW that wives DO have sex at times when they aren't in the mood in order to meet the needs of their DH. No, not because they have to but hopefully, because they WANT to. It IS possible to enjoy the physical and emotional intimacy of making love without an orgasm.

My DH and I have encountered most relationship problems at some point in our marriage, but one thing we would never do is to point blame for our own dissatisfaction on the physicality or sexuality of one another in any way. We will do everything possible to find a solution, either alone or together, whatever the case may be. Because once that negative feeling is expressed, there is no way to take it back, know how it will be received or how it will affect the relationship. And that's just not worth the risk to us.

But once again this is just MY opinion on the subject.




Edited 1/11/2005 2:42 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 3:05am
lets face it, any man with a small penis has an up hill battle.I would sooner a have the problem with a to big a penis then a too small( if I had to choose)of one and any man would probably tell you that! that's life,and sometimes you have to roll with the punches and then again maybe there's a reason for small penis ,and that is to satisfy certain women?

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