Size, preference and honesty

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Size, preference and honesty
28
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 1:47pm

I've been hanging around here for a little while now and I have read many comments to the effect that if a woman feels her partner's penis is too small, she shouldn't tell him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 4:40am

No... I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth... I was trying to gather all your points to understand. You mentioned in previous post that women shouldn't fake or pretend (which I acknowledged) and you also said in a well established relationship there's no need for the woman to inform the man of her unsatisfication because it'll excerabate the problem, she should be responsible in solving her response problem.

>>>Your suggested approach of saying "sorry honey, but your penis/vagina just doesn't do it for me"<<< Hey, THAT'S putting words in my mouth... :oP I advocate honesty, in the form of GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILL (I've said that more than once).

>>>"I don't seem to be getting enough stimulation doing it the way we are. Maybe we can try something different." Which would you rather hear?<<< This one of course, and this one IS an example of better communication skill than the former. And that was my point... address the issue and try to find a solution together. Likely in reality, the man would question (if he really cares about her pleasures) what the cause might be... Likely he'll ask if it's his size, or stimina, or technique. She should again give a sensitive yet honest answer.

The bottomline is, it's a matter of compatibility and finding a solution that works. The woman shouldn't blame herself OR her partner, and maybe she (particularly ones who only orgasm vaginally) has a different sexual response than the majority of the women but it's not a "response problem".

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:52am

The fact of the matter is this - MOST men are somewhere between 5 and 8 inches. Anything above or below that, well that's when you will have problems finding someone. A man that is only 3 inches wuite possibly would have just as hard a time finding someone that is 10 inches. Now, to be sure, the guy that is 10 inches will probably get more sex, just for the curious factor, but I imagine for a regular partner able to take that much, he might have a hard time finding someone. Sure, not as har a time, but still, he might have to look.

The 3 inch guy though, has the additional problem of being stigmatized by HIS sex, as well as the fairer sex, whereas the 10 inch guy is admired by his sex.

If you are dumping the 3 inch guy, I can imagine that he knows why. Especially if everythign else is good except the sex. Is telling THAT guy gonna make it better or worse? I doubt it, unless you REALLY take the time to help him, and make it more about you than him. If you're not gonna do that, then just break up wiithout mentioning it.

It's like trying to tell a guy that is 4'10" that he's not tall enough. Or a guy that is 6'11" that he's too tall. The too tall guy has many more advantages than the too short guy. The too tall guy bounces back and says fine, I'll find a girl that likes tall guys. The too short guy doesn't have that luxury, because while there ARE women that like short guys, they are few and far between.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:02am
Some of us are simply more drawn to sensitive honesty than brutal honesty...beat us with a stone, huh? LOL!!!

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 6:41pm

Uh no, I never said that it was unnecessary for a woman to voice her displeasure for her lack of response. I've said many times now that she should only be cognizant of her partner's feelings and be careful in how she words it. She should also decide if there are any changes SHE can make before bringing it to her partner's attention. IF you're also saying that, then we agree.

But really, I think there's plenty of room on this board for all kinds of opinions so I'll have to continue to respectfully disagree that pointing blame at a man's size is ever necessary. IF he has come to that conclusion on his own, then there's no harm in discussing it.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 6:53pm
"Some?" I would say MOST. I don't think anyone responds well to criticism. But when you take responsibility for your own situation, your partner tends to be more willing to make needed adjustments as well, without even being asked to. That's been my experience anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 3:42am

Good post and I agree with you on a few issues. I do believe the reason this issue is brought up so often is due to the duality and dishonesty on the subject.

Do I think a woman is shallow for dumping a guy because he doesn't have the size she is looking for? Not really, as long as she's honest as to what she is looking for. The bottom line is I can't please everyone and the sooner I find out that I don't have what a woman is looking for, the sooner I can move on and find someone who is looking for what I have to offer.

Now let's reverse the roles a bit.

Scenerio number 1:
Let's say a man does not want to date you due to your prefereces in size. What if he falls in your range of acceptable sizes, but doesn't measure up to your preferences. Are you forthcoming and tell him what your preferences are and let him decide if he wants you?

Scenerio number 2:
You're daughter was told by a guy that he wasn't interested in her because her breasts were too small. Clearly, you defend the man in this case?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 11:16am
As a man I agree 100% with your post. And women should realize it is important to tell your man about any issues you have including his size. Open communication is the key to a good relationship. Yes, sometimes feelings get hurt but thats life. In my case I am a bit on the large size and I have dated small women who just couldn't take it. After 2 or three times having sex they told me it was just too painful so we parted ways. No big deal. Yes I was hurt sometimes and felt like I had been cursed with size..in this case too big. But I just kept looking for the right girl. On the other hand I have dated women who were the right size to take it all with no pain whatsoever. So in summary small men should probably end up with a woman with a small vagina, etc. I am now married and my wife loves my size and usually has two orgasims by the time I have one so in the sex area we are prefectly compatible. It just take patients to find your Mr. Right.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 11:27am

Hmmm. Communication is absolutely imperative to a successful relationship but it seems as if everyone is missing the point here.

What if the person you LOVE and who loves YOU, doesn't have small vagina or specific sized penis though? Do you simply dump a person for that reason alone? I'm sorry I have never been able to turn my feelings off quite so easily.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:29pm
I agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 6:32am

No, I think everybody understands your point about loving a person and working together through obstacles to make sex enjoyable. In the case of a longstanding couple, it would indeed be unfair and very painful to one day pop up and announce you don't want to be with your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband or wife anymore because you don't like something on his/her body.

But I wasn't talking about a love relationship. Because, for me, it is generally very difficult to even GET to the point of love and commitment if I am not sexually attracted to or sexually satisfied with someone. In that case, I know you have already agreed it is best to break things off early, as I did with my friend.

I really am not a hard-hearted person. I realize that penis size is a sensitive issue, and men consider having a small one to be a stigma. I don't like to hurt anybody's feelings. So if I would first try to end the "relationship" without mentioning the penis at all. But if he really wants to know why I am not turned on, I would not lie. And I am DEFINITELY NOT going to continue in a false or unsatisfying sexual relationship, in order to preserve a man's ego.

The crazy thing is, 99 percent of the time, everybody already KNOWS what the true problem is, anyway. You can try to introduce sex toys, or request more oral and manual attention (none of those things would work for me).. but the underlying truth is the penis size. It's just not supposed to be talked about???

I guess I wish it wasn't such a taboo subject. I believe we could all use a more relaxed attitude about our preferences and our own bodies. We would just accept that some people are big and some people are small, and if you're not a good fit for Joe, it might be disappointing at first, but you'll be a good fit for somebody else.

Granted, men with very small penises have a challenge in life. So do men with very large penises, as a poster pointed out. We ALL have something to deal with. Think about paraplegics (sic?), or people with severe skin conditions, or people with HIV, or people with NO sex drive because of chronic depression... now these are MAJOR life challenges. A small penis is, well, small compared to those. At the end of the day, we play the hand we are dealt and make the best of it.

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