SO is against anal, but I really want it
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| Fri, 02-10-2006 - 2:47pm |
Ok I'll try to keep it short. I've been with my SO for a several years now. About 3 months ago, for the first time, I bought a toy (a 7.5" and average width vibrator). She assumed that I bought the vibrator for her (which is partially correct) but at the same time I've wanted to have anal sex or anything anal for a long time. So when I bought the vibrator I couldn't wait to try it out. After a few tries I finally got the entire thing penetrated and it felt so good, I came within a minute.
But the problem I have is, even way before I bought the vibrator she explained to me very clearly that she hated anything and everything that has to do with anal. Her main argument is that there's too much bacteria and she said something about e coli (biology major...) which I have no clue what it is, but I'm assuming its not good. Anyway, I've been using the vibrator for my own anal stimulation more than on her for her vaginal stimulation, but she has no clue. An on a side note its funny in a way because after only a few tries I got the entire thing inside me, but to this day my SO still can't fit the whole thing inside. She gets pretty deep, about 5 or 6" but it hurts too much. (She's a virgin)
Does anybody have any suggesstions at all about how I can get my SO to engage in anal play with me? It would be a dream come true if she would use the vibrator on me.
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I know how you feel. I am also interested in anal play. But I think dw and myself are getting there. She has vibes. already. She also isn't interested. When she was gone one day, I got out her small vibe, lubed up my finger, inserted and played around till I got confortable with the whole ordeal. Then I lubed up the vibe and slowley put inside me. Did this while masturbating. And what an orgasm. I haven't told her what I did. She's not into nor approves of masturbation. Unless we are together. However, I found an article on the net about stimulating the male prostrate. I showed it to her. She asked me if it was something I really wanted to try? I have always told her, I'm open to almost anything to improve our already great sex life. But didn't want to miss out on anything. We talked different times and ,I told her, if she wanted ,I would let her know when and what I wanted to do. She was ok with this. One night when she was performing oral, she was rubbing my perineum area. I was so turned on by this. Gave her some k-y jelly and lubed her finger. I guided her into me, she move in and out slowly, then stopped and wiggled her finger. I expoded instantly. We have done this a few more times. I finally got to lube my finger and rub the outside of her anus, while she used a vibrator on her vagina. She says maybe some day ,she will let me try to insert, my finger into her. Maybe soon I'll let her try the vibe in me. Start slow and hopefully you'll get there. Good luck.
You should never, EVER use a toy in the vagina that's been in someone's butt. Since you're keeping it a secret, are you allowing her to use this vibrator after you've used it in that manner?
What you ask isn't unreasonable or unusual, but buy your OWN toy for it :)
I can understand your SO's point of view because pretty much anything anal is a turnoff to me too... but I can think of a few things that might help.
First, eliminate the bacteria issue by showing her that everything is clean before, that you won't transfer any bacteria between each other during play, and that you clean everything after. But most importantly, address the psychological issues. The anal vibrator stuff might seem too untraditional and unmasculine to her. I'd start off with some very traditional behavior to get her really turned on and feeling safe. Take the lead, and make sure she feels like you are excited about her and what she can do for you, and the vibrator is just an extra fun thing going on. You might also want to mix in a few other new activities and just do the anal play every now and then, so it doesn't feel like there's some big focus on it - you're just an adventurous guy.
I am with cerryl on the hygiene issue. I would even recommend using separate toys for anal and vaginal stimulation. Once you're done with the anal action, break out the vaginal toy.
You mentioned your wife's concern with e coli, I believe? I'm not certain whether that's a risk or not (anyone?). I do know there is a risk of contracting at least one form of hepatitis from direct anorectal contact, no matter how clean one thinks they are.
Lastly, I would recommend you talk with your wife to find out what her specific concerns are regarding your anal satisfaction. Communication is crucial in coming to any understanding.
Good luck. I hope you can find pleasure together fulfilling your needs.
E :)
I will second cerryl's caution about using the same vibrator for anal and vaginal stimulation. Not ever a good idea for the very reason that your GF gave you. You can pass your bacteria to her and she can get a nasty bacterial infection. Buy her a new one exactly like the original!
But I don't know why she isn't willing to use the vibrator on you, even if she's not interested in anal for herself? Has she said? Maybe she feels that anal play is a gay practice. Many people mistakenly believe that anal play, etc. only occurs among homosexual men.
All you can do is ask, but if she's absolutely against it, you may have to save that activity for private play.
Edited 2/10/2006 4:46 pm ET by katmandoo2001
I just wanted to clarify something. I don't use the vibrator on my anus and then throw it in my drawer until I use it with my SO. I ALWAYS clean it very thoroughly before I put it away and/or use it on my SO.
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Anal play or sex is a really appropriate place to use condoms. You can unroll one over your finger or over a toy for anal play and you should use a condom if engaging in anal intercourse. The reason for the condom for anal intercourse is just what your wife is objecting to except the danger is to the male who can find himself with a really hot case of urethritis or cystitis (infection and inflamation of the urethra and/or the bladder).
This is caused by fecal matter being pushed into the urethra during vigorous thrusting. I know all about it because it has happened to me twice.
I think everyone realized that you probably do clean it before using again.....we could only hope! LOL! But you can never be too sure.
But as clean as you believe it to be, it still may not be. There are all kinds of places for bacteria to hide out that may never see the water, etc. Better to use a condom on it if you insist on dual usage. I'm sure your GF would appreciate that, too.
And women CAN get bacterial infections from fecal matter, on a toy or on your penis, finger, etc., so it's best for everyone to avoid switching back and forth or staying with anal once you start.
We don't really indulge in anal play together. I've had one past g/f that liked it and she introduced me to, and used an anal specific vibrator (they're slimmer for starters)on me a few times. I have to admit that some of those orgasms were simply mind-blowing. I guess that it was the prostate stimulation.
I think that's the angle that I'd use if I was in your situation. Talk more about prostate stimulation than about anal penetration. Do some googling and some reading and you'll discover the anus is the quickest and easiest way to stimulate the prostate and that's why anal play for guys can feel so good. It's more than just penetration that makes it feel great.
Secondly, you could try using condoms on the vibrator and/or get your own vibrator. This might help her concerns about it being "dirty" and bacterial concerns. The condom keeps things "clean" and germ-free.
Thanks for all of the comments. I realize now that even though I think I'm cleaning the vibe I may not be totally. I think this weekend I'll head back to the store to get another of the same one. And I never thought about the condom idea. Maybe she'll be more open to anal play if I do involve a condom.
But to be honest, ever since I've been using the current one for my own pleasures, I haven't used it on my SO. So now I'm glad in that sense. We aren't intimate too often, and when we are, we typcially don't involve toys so I've had the opportunity to use it a lot on myself.
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