So disappointed

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
So disappointed
7
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 8:02am

I don't know if this is really the right board for this. I just moved in with my BF a week and a half ago after being apart for six weeks. Before he left the state we had been having some problems wrt sex (mainly that I didn't feel we were doing it enough) but I thought after being apart for so long that things would be different at least for a little while. The whole time we were apart when we talked on the phone he kept saying that he couldn't wait to have sex with me again. Since I have been here we have had sex twice, and the second time was a week after I got here, and I got so frustrated about it that I started crying. Neither time was, well it was just over with pretty quickly and not what I expected after being apart for six weeks.

He really hates being touched too, and though he's kind of always been that way the result is that I hardly get any physical contact from him. I'm tired of him not giving me any attention unless I start crying. I don't want to feel like I have to manipulate him into having sex (though believe me I do not cry just to get him to have sex with me. I don't like having sex when I'm upset, but I'm afraid if I don't then I won't have an opportunity again for a while). I don't like upsetting him either. I know it's not his fault if he doesn't feel like it. We still have sex two or three times a month, but it feels like at least half the time he's just doing it to placate me, and I don't get a whole lot of enjoyment out of it. It wasn't like this the first year we were together. It's just very hard for me to adjust and I feel very unloved even though I know he loves me. I feel so lonely. It hurts so much.

I can't see breaking up with him over this, and I really don't want to anyway. I love him so much. But I don't know how to deal with these feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 8:48am

hi age, sorry to hear you have having problems. Having endured a LL marriage (my H was LL, I am HL) for 14 years I totally understand where you are coming from. There is a messageboard just for mismatched libidos (which you and BF have from the sounds of it) here:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing

Lots of good discussions there. I visit there now and again because I do have real life experience with the problem. Try posting your question there too and you will get some good advice.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 8:55am

Instead of crying, have you talked to him about your sex life and about your relationship.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 9:27am
We've talked about it ad nauseum. He feels bad that I don't feel like I'm getting what I need but he says he just isn't in the mood most of the time. Sometimes he'll ask if I want him to finish me off afterwards, but I don't WANT him to ask. I just want him to do it. If he asks me first then I feel like he's just doing me a favor and doesn't even really want to do it. I've told him this too. I don't want him doing anything because he feels like he has to, but that's kind of how it is, and no I don't want to spend the rest of my life this way, but I love him. If I left him I'd be more unhappy than I already am. I feel like there's no solution. I cry because I can't help it. I leave the room because I don't want him to know and feel even worse than he already does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 9:58am

YOu can't have it both ways. If you love him "so much" then you'll accept him the way he is. Talking hasn't helped and it hasn't changed things. If you want to live the rest of your life feeling unsatisfied, then accept that's the way it will be. If you don't want to live that way, then you need to move on.

Most guys will eventually get sick of the "tears" (drama)......and that's just a game you're playing with him. If you have to cry to get what you want, is it really worth it? This is something you have to think about and decide on. Will I live this way, or will I move on. Those are the only two choices you have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 10:06am

"I can't see breaking up with him over this, and I really don't want to anyway. I love him so much. But I don't know how to deal with these feelings."

Well basically you are ignoring the fact that the two of you are completely mismatched in this area. If you don't breakup, you will live a very unhappy life. For now you might think this seems a stupid thing to do but 10 to 15 years down the road, after begging to be touched, you feel completely different. Lots of people need both emotional and physical contact on a regular basis. This guy, as great as he might be in other areas, isn't the right guy for you.

If you don't believe me, visit the mismatched libidos boards and see all the posts from people who made the same mistake you're thinking of making, that sex doesn't matter in a relationship. It's not important enough to break up over. Well it is the number 2 reason for divorce, right behind money issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 10:34am

I think you see that all of the advice here is leading in the same direction -- this isn't a problem that you can just cry about and get over. You say that you have talked to him, but it's not working. Perhaps it's the way you are communicating that is contributing to that. And the pity sex -- don't do it. If you have sex just because you're afraid it will be too long before you get it again, that's not fixing anything! It's probably making the situation worse. Here are some articles about ways to communicate:

How can I get my guy to listen?
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,guystellall_9nmljwsn,00.html

Get Through to Your Man: 5 Tips for Better Communication
http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmgetcloser/0,,84s,00.html

Perhaps he does have a LL than yours. Has he always been this way? Has there been changes in his work or other habits that may be contributing to this? Does he watch a lot of porn and/or masturbate? There can be tons of other issues to consider. In any of them, another thing that might prove helpful is couples counseling. Is there a chance that you can get him to go with you? If not then maybe you need to take a break. Give yourself a chance to step back and re-evaluate your relationship with him. As good as the rest of your relationship may be, sexual issues are important to a lasting and happy relationship.



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket




my partner in the siggy exchange






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 10:35am

Every problem has a solution but you need to decide how to go about solving the problems.

Photobucket