this is so embaressing..
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| Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:28pm |
Ok I have a question for everyone and I would greatly appreciate some feedback because I dont know WHAT to make of this one.
My SO and I have been together for two years. Everything is great, we have our troubles but who doesnt? Sex is fine, I am a little hesitant about some things but it's because I need to learn to let loose a little. A big part of it has to do - and normally I wouldn't ever say this but because this is the internet and I don't think anyone here knows me - is I was raped when I was much younger. Regardless, I have tackled that situation...and now:
About two months ago my bf mentioned wanting to have anal sex. However...he did it WHILE we were in the middle of messing around. He had casually mentioned before that it has crossed his mind but it was never a serious question until this particular time. I was very hurt because I had been drinking and was overemotional as it is, so that made me feel like he was trying to enhance our sex life as if it werent ok as is.
We had a fight about it and eventually got over it hasnt come up since. Until last week we were on vacation and had been drinking (I am seeing a pattern here) And he flipped me over so I was just thinking he was going for doggystyle. That's not what he had in mind.
He didnt straight up TRY anything I didnt want him to, and he was very supportive and asking me if I was ok. I made him stop. He still got off tho (sorry for TMI but this is relevant) just rubbing against my backside.
I just dont get it. I have heard its tighter and blah blah blah, but I am disgusted with the idea. I love him and want to make him happy/satisfy him but I just cant see myself allowing this to happen.
I dont know how to move past this problem. I feel like I am a vanilla girl now and he's looking to add spark to something that has sizzled out (which is NOT what I think, I see it as still being very hot).
Has anyone ever dealt with this before? I feel so hurt/ashamed about this but I have to ask someone.
Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!

What you have to do is talk to him and lay down your boundaries.
it's ok to not add something to your sex life. if he wants to "spice things up" then perhaps you should get a book (i like the multi orgasmic man and the multiorgasmic couple) and talk about it and pick things together. You need to tell him that you don't want to participate in anal sex and you'd prefer that he not bring it up again.
my husband went through a couple of months where he'd say he wanted to try anal sex. i told him i didn't want to. He kept bringing it up, and finally i told him that i wasn't going to have anal sex with him in the near future, so drop it. he did, and then we moved on. i asked him if it was something that he was really upset about, he wasn't, and we tried other things instead that made us both feel great.
that was probably about 2-3 years ago. recently, i kinda thought, hey, anal sex might be interesting. I mentioned it to my husband. he said--ok, we'll lthink about it. let me know what you're thinking. We still haven't had anal sex, but i'll at least entertain the idea now.
i don't know what "moved me though" whatever was holding it up, whatever is, but perhaps i just dont' want to do it. it's ok to not want to and to communicate that to your SO.
One thing that might help is to sort of change your out look on it. And talk to him about it. But don't think of it as him trying to spice up your sex life because he finds it dull. Because its probably (I say that lightly because I don't know you're bf) not that. It might very well be that he has become very very comfortable with you to the point that he doesn't mind asking you for something that he has wanted to try for sometime but is not open about because its taboo. I mean you'd have to talk to him to find out why he's trying now. But try to keep the fact that it could be a very positive thing in mind. Of course, that doesn't mean you should do it if you're uncomfortable with it. I'm just trying to remind you that its not necessarily an insult to your sex life. Its probably a compliment to his comfort levels with you.
Angel
I also would not think of trying something new as an insult to
But he didn't do anything without her permission. She even said that:
<>>
So he didn't do anything she wasn't comfortable with. Her issue is she doesn't get why he wants it and is hurt by the fact that he does, which I was addressing. Not that he's doing things without her permission. She said flat out that he DIDN'T do that.
However, I completley agree with you, if he was doing things without her permission there would be a major problem with that, but hes not. From what she said I don't see that he did anything wrong, so thats not the issue.
Angel
1. It is OKAY to say no to anything that anyone asks you to do, sexually or otherwise, if you don't want to do that thing!!
2. You mentioned very casually that you were raped when you were younger, and you say you've "tackled" that situation. What does that mean? Have you had any kind of counselling? If not, you should do so. Does your b/f know about it? If not, he needs to be told, so that he understands what YOU are dealing with.
3. Last but not least. His asking you to do something "different" does NOT mean that he thinks your sex life is boring. Without doing something different on occasion your sex life WILL get boring. People who are married for many years can still have an exciting sex life BECAUSE they occasionally try something different. Sometimes a different position....or a different location. Sometimes light bondage (blindfold him and tease him), role playing. None of those says sex is boring, but it's fun to try different things sometimes.
Think of it as food.....which is another primary thing in our lives. If you LOVE spaghetti more than anything else.....you certainly wouldn't eat nothing but that every day of your life, would you? By varying your diet, it doesn't mean you no longer love spaghetti, it just means that if you ate the same thing every day of your life, you'd get sick of it!
You have no reason to feel hurt OR ashamed OR embarassed. He asked about trying something new, and you said no. If he continues to ask, then tell him that no matter how much he asks, it will still be no, so he should just let it rest. Anal sex is something that most guys think about, and want to try. Most of them accept no, and forget about it.
The fact that you were raped has little or nothing to do with your negative feelings about anal sex, either. Many women who were never raped have the same negative reaction to it. If you haven't gotten help for the rape, please do, because it will do wonders for your confidence and self esteem.