So embarrassed--please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
So embarrassed--please help.
25
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 3:54pm
Hi everyone, i have posted on this board before and want to thank everyone for their helpful advice.
i have a new problem- Everything is going great except for the sex. Still i am uncomfortable when I am naked with him. I'm not too fat, but could lose about 20 pounds. i feel so embarrased because he wants to try different positions. As I had said before, I am inexperienced and he is too, and the last time we had sex he came to quickly. It only took one minute for him and I told him i want it to last longer. i was really upset about it but embarrased to say something, but when i finally did, he tried to explain to me- and he told me he needs me to help him too- that all i do is just lay there and don't move-he said we should try different postions and that would help to last longer. But i thought about it and it's true-I just lay there- i told him i don't know what position to do- i feel silly- He even told me he likes that i am inexperienced and that it will get better with time and we can learn together different things to do during sex. But part of the reason i am embarrassed is because he said we should both lose just a little weight, or tone up a bit. he even said i have a flat behind! That made me really upset but he was laughing and then tells me he loves me, and that I have a beautiful body. Then why would he say such a thing? He said i need to have more confidence in myself. But this makes me so self conscious-i don't ever want him to see me naked now! I am trying to tone up a bit so i won't feel so embarrassed. Please help i feel really bad. Thanks.

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 6:07pm

Your BF is guilty of lousy timing & talking out of both sides of his mouth more than anything. I'm sure he was just joking around but the time to critique something about your partner is NOT when they're naked and vunerable.

Ask him how he would feel if you made some offhand observation about HIS body, tried to laugh it off and then chastized him for not being confident! That's what you call a "backhanded" compliment!

Reminds me of a scene from a TV show a long time ago. A husband and wife are on the bed about to get busy and the husband says...."When's the last time you shaved your legs?" Whoaaaaa! My DH just cringed and said "WHAT a dumba**!" And sure enough, the wife gets up and walks out of the room. Another example of LOUSY timing!

But really, if you don't feel good about your body, do something about it. Just complaining and bemoaning the fact that you're slightly overweight or not toned isn't doing you any good. Build your confidence by doing something to get in shape and perhaps you won't be so thin-skinned about your real or perceived "faults." But we ALL have them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 11:46pm
It's called emotional abuse. He puts you down, then turns around and compliments you to throw you off balance, causing you to question your perception of reality rather than seeing him for what he really is. That he laughed after insulting you says a lot about his character and it's all bad news. If you had more self-esteem you would leave him and find someone who appreciates you the way you are. Post your story to the domestic abuse board and see what they have to say if you think this is normal, acceptable behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 12:29am

I have to wonder if you're mature enough to be in a sexual relationship? If you really care about someone, you're not thinking about yourself, or how you look, or what he's thinking of how you look. You're enjoying the time together. If you're too "embarassed" to move, or work with him on different positions, then you're not really into the sex, and you're making him do all the work, and all the thinking.

If it was just a matter of losing some weight, you would DO that. If you don't like something about yourself, whether it's your weigh, your looks in general, or your attitude....then you can change all of that. If you won't put in the effort to change yourself, then you're just using these things as a crutch, and you don't care enough about the relationship to want it to succeed.

I don't see his comments as abuse......he's just young, and hasn't learned to be tactful. He DID say that he could lose some weight, too. Why not go on a weight loss program together? A few pounds of weight isn't something to lose a relationship over......there are OBESE women who have great sex lives, because they're not worried about what they look like, or what their partner thinks of their looks......they're only concerned with pleasing their partner, and in turn being pleased BY their partner. And if their partner loves them, they don't CARE about some extra weight...if they did, they wouldn't be there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 1:32am

I think that some of the answers went over the top and took a bit of an extreme view of things. Yeah, his timing could have been better about the loosing weight comments but it doesn't sound to me like it was a big deal at the time and I wonder if he only said it because you had indicated that it was a problem or issue.

I think that most of us could do with toning up or loosing a few pounds.
I don't think that there is a lot that we can really say to you. It's something that you have to get comfortable with in your own head - there's no instant magic cure for it. We can't say something like "Oh, wear your hair up and that'll make you instantly feel 20 pounds lighter".

Anyway, even if it did, you (like the rest of us) would find something else to get worried about. A friend of mine is very slim and attractive and constantly worries about being fat and her non-existant stretch marks. You can't win. The only real solution is to either get obsessed about loosing weight and actually loose it, or get comfortable with the fact that you *could* loose a few pounds but are healthy and that you have found someone that is OK with you as you are. And in reality he *is* happy with what he's got - he was attracted to you as you are now, and he's admitted that he's enjoying the sex now and is having fun teaching you the ropes.

Yeah, maybe he did say that both of you could loose a few pounds. So what? I don't hear that he's suddenly gone on a diet or exercising more so I wouldn't get too upset about what is really only a passing comment and some wishful thinking on his behalf. He's not going to leave you or love you any less just because of a few pounds that you already had when he met you and decided that he was attracted to you. As I said before, this is something that you have to come to terms with in your own head.

Now, one thing that WILL spoil the sex between the two of you is obsessing and feeling embarrassed about your body and not wanting to be assertive and confident in bed. Guys like girls that are willing and confident and after a while when he's tried all the tricks that he knows and has taught you all that he can he will get upset about having a girl that is not interested in doing those things or trying new things. If you keep trying to hide your body he WILL start to feel like you aren't enjoying the sex and he won't enjoy it either. Then you WILL have a problem.

I think that you have to accept that you are who you are. Get over the embarrassment that you have about your body. Despite what you think, trying to "hide" your body and not "show" any bits that you think are fat just doesn't work. When you are naked in bed with a guy you can't hide anything. He knows what you look like and he still thinks that you are sexy. You can be sure that he's not happy with his beer gut or man breasts either but that doesn't stop him trying to have a good time in the bedroom. He isn't trying to hide it from you. So have some fun, stop worrying about some wishful thinking that the guy has said out loud (Don't forget that he probably wishes that he had a sixpack abs too). Have some fun and learn how to have such great sex that his poor little mind will be so blown away that he hasn't got a chance to think about *anything* :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 8:18am

I wouldn't call what he said emotional abuse at all.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 8:39am

Sex is about having fun, enjoying it, receiving and giving pleasure to each other, it's not about feeling silly trying new positions or about what your body looks like.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:52am
Hi, thanks for your reply. You know, I was trying to lose weight before i met my boyfriend too, and even when he was saying that we both have to lose weight he was saying also he wants to take dancing lessons so we can be really good if the relationship gets serious enough for marriage. He did tell me he wants to do some things together like go running, but i guess I havent really shown him the effort. my confidence is really low, he even told me to have more confidence.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:06am
Thanks everyone for your reply. i was feeling bad because i didn't think this was emotional abuse, he makes a few comments to me that are both good and bad. I had even said to him, why are you trying to hurt me, so you don't love me because of the flaws? he told me just because he comments on things doesn't mean that he doesn't love me, and when you love someone wouldn't you tell them what you think good or bad, what you think we be better for the person? he said for example i like him clean shaven, but if he doesnt shave do i love him any less? no--. My problem is i just cannot take what feels to me like critisicm. and me being overly-sensitive doesn't help either.
Thanks again for all the advice. I appreciate it very much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:17am

If your body wasn't sexy to him, he wouldn't be having sex with you, nor cuming so quickly. I agree that the more confident you act about your body, the more of a turn on it is for him. If you don't feel confident at first, then do your best to pretend you are, and eventually you really well feel that way.

As for helping him hold off on orgasming, if you just give the shaft of his penis a squeeze in the middle at some point before he does, that will make some of the cum go back, and help him hold off longer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 12:02pm

Do you know where "confidence" comes from? From yourself, not from your b/f or anyone else. You have to LIKE yourself to be confident. You are the same person inside, no matter what your "outside" looks like. If you learn to love yourself, no matter what you look like on the outside, then you'll be able to accept his love, too.

Also, being "overly sensitive" will get you nowhere. You can't go thru life assuming people are saying things to hurt you, or make you feel bad. Only YOU can make yourself feel bad, no one else can do that. And it goes back to "loving yourself".

I have a friend for the last 50 years, and I'm about ready to end our friendship, because as SHE says, she's "overly sensitive". She analyzes everything anyone says to her....sometimes for days, until she can find something that she feels was meant as a criticism or insult to her. It gets to the point that I can't say ANYTHING without her calling me a few days later and asking "what did you mean by that"? If she tells me she's making meat loaf for supper, if I say I don't like meatloaf......she will call me back and say something really stupid like "Are you saying I'm not a good cook?" If I tell her she looked nice in an outfit, but I don't think I could wear that same outfit.....she'll ask why I don't like that outfit, as though I had insulted HER! Her problem is that she thinks the world revolves around her. She thinks that everything that is said to her has "hidden meanings". Several years ago, when her first grandson was about two years old, she was telling me things like "he's not talking very much", and "he waves his arms around a lot", and "he won't look anyone in the eye". I told her that her daughter should mention these things to the pediatrician, because it sounds very much like Autisim. She freaked out on me! I was accused of wishing bad things on her, I was accused of calling her daughter a bad mother, and many other things I can't remember. She also told me that I'm not a doctor, and that I can't diagnose her grandson! She didn't speak to me for months after that (very honestly, somewhat of a relief!) Guess what, within 6 months, he was diagnosed as being Autistic! Then she called and asked if I was happy that I was right???? I'd seen a few TV shows about Autism, and I thought that the symptoms she described sounded like Autism.....and she more or less blamed ME for the fact that he has it, or that I wished bad things on her family! How pathetic.

This is where being overly sensitive gets you......people get tired of walking on eggshells around you. People get tired of being afraid to upset you. People just get tired of YOU! Unless someone literally insults you to your face, do NOT assume that people are trying to "hurt" you. Do not assume there are "hidden meanings" everywhere, because there are NOT. Your b/f says lets take dance lessons.....but what you hear is "he thinks I need exercise because I'm too fat"! That is NOT what he meant, as he later explained to you! That is what being overly senstitive gets you! Being hurt when NO hurt was meant! Learn to love yourself, and learn that NO ONE is perfect....and no one expects perfection from you....and you shouldn't expect perfection, either. You should only be the best, nicest, kindest person you can be.....and others will either like you, or NOT like you. And it doesn't matter, because you like yourself, and a mature adult realizes that no matter how nice they are, there will always be someone who doesn't like them.

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