So embarrassed--please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
So embarrassed--please help.
25
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 3:54pm
Hi everyone, i have posted on this board before and want to thank everyone for their helpful advice.
i have a new problem- Everything is going great except for the sex. Still i am uncomfortable when I am naked with him. I'm not too fat, but could lose about 20 pounds. i feel so embarrased because he wants to try different positions. As I had said before, I am inexperienced and he is too, and the last time we had sex he came to quickly. It only took one minute for him and I told him i want it to last longer. i was really upset about it but embarrased to say something, but when i finally did, he tried to explain to me- and he told me he needs me to help him too- that all i do is just lay there and don't move-he said we should try different postions and that would help to last longer. But i thought about it and it's true-I just lay there- i told him i don't know what position to do- i feel silly- He even told me he likes that i am inexperienced and that it will get better with time and we can learn together different things to do during sex. But part of the reason i am embarrassed is because he said we should both lose just a little weight, or tone up a bit. he even said i have a flat behind! That made me really upset but he was laughing and then tells me he loves me, and that I have a beautiful body. Then why would he say such a thing? He said i need to have more confidence in myself. But this makes me so self conscious-i don't ever want him to see me naked now! I am trying to tone up a bit so i won't feel so embarrassed. Please help i feel really bad. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 12:31pm
Hi, thanks so much . You are absolutely right. You know, even i get tired of myself sometimes because of the way i am. In the beginning everything was sweet, he never saw my "moods" or knew how much i "dwell" on things. but now that he has gotten to know me, he said it drives him crazy-when i do things like that-that something will happen over a week ago, and I will still bring it up. or i will ask him a question and then hours later ask him again about it. i keep asking the same question just to make sure he doesn't change his mind.
This is really not the way i want to go through life- he already told me he loves me, feels he found "the one" but i don't want to ruin it!
Thanks again for your advice and your time.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 1:02pm

Well, there IS a difference between useless personal comments and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism though. Telling you that you have a flat ass qualifies as the former type.

It's like telling him that his penis is too small....what can he do about it? Not a damn thing.

So, tell him that while you appreciate that he has his own personal opinions about your body, etc., as you do about his, I'm sure, that he needs to remember that it's not always constructive to mention. Pointing out a physical fault that you can do nothing about is useless information, and serves no purpose but to make you feel bad. Those thoughts should be kept to oneself.

With maturity, comes tact and discretion, so hopefully, he will develop a "filter" on his mouth with time and experience.

As I said before though, if you feel generally good about yourself, you will be able to accept seemingly negative personal opinions and comments, from him or anyone else, and retain what is useful to you and discard the rest. For now, work on building your self esteem.




Edited 9/7/2006 12:32 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 2:30pm
Hi, thanks so much for your thoughts and advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 5:26pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 8:06pm

Everyone keeps focusing on the weight comments, which I thought were insensitive but not "abusive" per se. What I was referring to is this: "he even said i have a flat behind! That made me really upset but he was laughing and then tells me he loves me, and that I have a beautiful body." He criticized a particular body part, then laughs and compliments her. He may not have intentionally hurt her, but it's beyond me how anyone could say "You've got a flat behind" completely incognizant of the effect it would have on his partner. He may have realized that what he'd said was insensitive a little too late and tried to laugh it off and make amends, but the fact remains that he didn't apologize for his callous insult--that is not good. It indicates extreme immaturity at the least and abusiveness at the most. It is emotionally abusive, regardless of whether or not it was meant to wound and that he didn't recognize the extent of his error does not bode well for future communication between the two of them.

About the weight comments, I give him credit for saying that "both" of them needed to lose weight, though telling your partner they need to shed a few pounds is not the sort of thing a loving partner says. Expecting his partner to loosen up in the bedroom, expressing that, after commenting on how short her body falls of his standards is, again, insensitive. He's a cad and you couldn't pay me enough to be with a guy like that. The way you get someone to loosen up is to compliment them and make them feel sexy. He did the complete and total opposite and doesn't think it should impact her bedroom behavior. What a jerk. I'm sorry that others can't recognize this guy for what he is and saddened that some posters are trying to redirect the blame to *her*.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:42am

You've obviously never had to deal with a person with no self confidence, and no self esteem! Both of these people are young......and "tact" comes with maturity....as well as self confidence!

This guy doesn't have a clue how to talk to her, because of the way SHE's behaving. She doesn't want him to see her naked, she just "lays there" during sex, showing NO enthusiasm at all. He probably doesn't realize that she's got a problem, and he certainly doesn't know how to "handle" it. (and HE is probably thinking that she doesn't care for him, or it's something that he's doing wrong!) If she's asking him daily or several times a day if he really loves her, or if he really thinks she's pretty, or whatever else she's asking to bolster her own needs....he's getting FRUSTRATED and just doesn't know what to say anymore! Maybe he thought that saying she has a "flat" behind would make her worry less that she's too fat!

All we're hearing is her side of this situation. She's constantly looking for him to make her feel better about herself, and he doesn't have a clue how to do that, and in reality, he CAN'T do that, but he doesn't realize that either! So he's saying what he thinks she wants to hear....and of course, it's falling on deaf ears. He could tell her a hundred times a day that he loves her, that she's the most beautiful woman in the world (and maybe she IS, to him!) but she'll NEVER believe him......because she doesn't like herself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 7:48am

Productive communication will never take place if one partner lacks confidence and has low self-esteem.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:48am
Hi, Thanks for your advice and response. You made good points.
I don't want to ruin this relationship- i don't want to drive him crazy. i have to say I did lack confidence before the relationship, but then felt better when i knew he was interested but then when he started to make comments about weight and my behind and such, even though he told me i was beautiful, i started to feel bad again. Thats why i feel if he says those other things, how can he say Im beautiful at the same time? Thats also why i question it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 10:02am
I read everyone's comments and yes, sometimes he does say the wrong things..... i do think i am beautiful, he has told me i am sexy but then later he will pat my stomach and things like that and then say "we have to lose a little weight".So then i feel my confidence goes down again. I don't feel he is a jerk at all- he treats me very well, is there whenever i need him, he is very respectful of me. it's just whenever he makes the littlest comments i get defensive and then my confidence goes down-the bottom line is that yes, if i don't feel good about myself for whatever reason, then i have to change that -he even told me i am so beautiful when i'm laughing, smiling. but when i am in a "sulky" mood- forget it- and more and more i am in these "sulky" moods because i am not happy with this extra few punds and feel i would be less shy and feel better about myself if i lost those pounds so thats what i am working on.
Thanks again everyone for your advice.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 10:24am

Maybe with some confidence, you will finally be able to put a stop to those "little comments," though. It really is a way to keep you from feeling too good about yourself. And that need can come from his own insecurity, fear of losing you, or just insensitivity on his part, BUT you really DO need to set him straight on it. Those types of comments serve no good purpose in a relationship.

And placing your self esteem and self confidence in someone else's hands, even your partner's, is like building a house on sand. It's not a solid foundation and you will never feel secure in it.

Look to YOURSELF for your confidence and self esteem and you will become more stable in your personal life, and not so vunerable to the whims and manipulations of others.




Edited 8/25/2006 10:45 am ET by katmandoo2001