So embarrassed--please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
So embarrassed--please help.
25
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 3:54pm
Hi everyone, i have posted on this board before and want to thank everyone for their helpful advice.
i have a new problem- Everything is going great except for the sex. Still i am uncomfortable when I am naked with him. I'm not too fat, but could lose about 20 pounds. i feel so embarrased because he wants to try different positions. As I had said before, I am inexperienced and he is too, and the last time we had sex he came to quickly. It only took one minute for him and I told him i want it to last longer. i was really upset about it but embarrased to say something, but when i finally did, he tried to explain to me- and he told me he needs me to help him too- that all i do is just lay there and don't move-he said we should try different postions and that would help to last longer. But i thought about it and it's true-I just lay there- i told him i don't know what position to do- i feel silly- He even told me he likes that i am inexperienced and that it will get better with time and we can learn together different things to do during sex. But part of the reason i am embarrassed is because he said we should both lose just a little weight, or tone up a bit. he even said i have a flat behind! That made me really upset but he was laughing and then tells me he loves me, and that I have a beautiful body. Then why would he say such a thing? He said i need to have more confidence in myself. But this makes me so self conscious-i don't ever want him to see me naked now! I am trying to tone up a bit so i won't feel so embarrassed. Please help i feel really bad. Thanks.

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 10:34am

You obviously didn't read my initial response to the OP. I pointed out that her BF's "giving and then taking away" encouragement pattern isn't beneficial to the relationship and it's manipulative. But more than likely, he is young, immature and unaware of how sensitive she really is. So, it's a vicious cycle, since she won't speak up for herself.

However, if she feels insecure due to her weight, which she has stated she does, then she needs to work on that FOR HERSELF. Not him. And she said she was in the progress of losing it before she began dating the guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2001
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 1:58pm

It seems to me from her posts that batgirl is probably one of those Ultra High Maintenance women who expect a man to constantly be sucking up to her, worshiping her, and showering her with compliments, otherwise he's guilty of 'emotional abuse', LOL.

I do agree that the OP's BF's comments, especially their timing, show a certain lack of tact, sensitivity, and maturity. Still, has anyone considered that he might be one of those confident, thick-skinned people who isn't bothered by teasing and even criticism, and doesn't understand why other people aren't the same? I mean, she could have said something to him like "That's not a six-pack you've got there, that's a keg!" and he would have laughed and said "Yeah, you're right, I need to work on that." If he's like that then he wouldn't understand why she's getting upset, because those kinds of comments wouldn't bother him, not to mention that she evidently hid her sensitivity to these kinds of things early on.

Also, everyone seems so appalled by the 'flat butt' comment, but has anyone considered that he didn't consider it a criticism or a put-down? Maybe he likes women with flat butts and thought he was complimenting her, or he doesn't care one way or the other. In that case he most likely would have been surprised by her negative reaction and would have tried to back-peddle or laugh it off. My point is that everyone is making assumptions about his motives in saying what he did and he isn't here to defend himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 2:28pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 2:39pm
How old are the two of you?
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 5:02pm

I don't think he's "thick skinned".....I think he's at a loss as to how to deal with this insecure and immature partner that he has. I said the SAME thing about his "flat butt" remark.....he probably thought he was saying "your butt isn't big"....but said it wrong, and realized that immediately by the look on her face. He's in a position of being damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't!

As Tish said, the problem isn't "high maintenance" at ALL.....it's her insecurity. She'w willing to get naked with him, but she's all worried about a few extra pounds......and refuses to move, or try anything new. I don't quite understand the rationale of that....if she's naked under him, he sees her body, and whatever weight she is. How being responsive OR unresponsive is going to make any difference, I don't have a clue. That might SEEM like high maintenance, but it's nothing more than immaturity and insecurity.

I don't think any of the "problems" she talks about are due to him. They're all on her...and eventually, he'll get tired of trying to reassure her, and he'll be gone.......and she'll be saying, "SEE, I told you he hated me because I have 10 pounds of extra weight"! She doesn't like herself, and the weight is a smoke screen for her. If that was her only problem, she'd just lose the weight. Her problems go much deeper than a few extra pounds. And if she lost those pounds, she'd find something else wrong with herself....probably a few stretch marks, or sagging boobs, because she can't admit that she just doesn't like herself, and these are handy things to blame it on. And much easier to complain about than doing something about the real problem.

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