So hurt
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| Tue, 08-08-2006 - 8:40pm |
Hi -
Supposedly you had unprotected sex with a woman then after sex, you ask her why she does not use safe sex, if she has anything such as herpes or whatsoever. What do you think the man is REALLY thinking about?
I did something with this guy the other day for the first time and we did not have safe sex. We never talked about it (now, i know I should! Pls don't tell me I should have...) then after sex, he asked me those questions. "Why didn't you use protection, do you use BC? Do you have something.... STD, herpes?" I was just SO livid, so offended. I walked out. The next day, we talked again, he wanted sex again and didn't care about unprotected sex.
I feel like he was trying to tell me something and I've asked him to do that and he said he wasn't thinking straight that night. It still BOTHERS me to the bone today. I'm so angry. I feel as if he was saying I'm so smelly, so unclean that he had to ask.
I've never had a guy ask me that! Especially AFTER sex. I did smell strong sex when we were doing it but it faded after a minute. Is it always the woman that smells????!!!!! Or could it be the guy releasing some kind of odor? It still BUGS me that he wanted sex with me again the next night. I don't know if a man would have sex with a woman IF IT WERE HER SMELLY..... I value myself so much physically and would NEVER let myself smelly.

It sounds to me like you're reading an awful lot into what sounds to me like a perfectly reasonable inquiry about your sexual health. It was silly of him to wait until afterwards. Kinda late at that point, but better late than never I suppose.
The herpes virus, e.g., can lie dormant in your nervous system for several years, and when it goes into an active phase, which is when the symptoms surface, varies from person to person. So someone could reasonably have an STD and not know it. So, no, your date inquiring about STDs doesn't mean anything besides, "I should've brought this up earlier." It's an important conversation to have.
Some women do have a naturally strong, er, fragrance, no matter how hygienic you are, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. Perhaps someone else can advise you on that.
Maybe I am .... But could you blame me for that? ;) I don't know. I've never had a guy ask me a question like that AFTER sex. The ones I had done it w/ would talk about it before doing so. It just felt an insult to me.
Earlier, he was asking for it but I said no. Then, I went back to my place but then changed my mind and went back to his place again... So, after the whole thing, he admitted that he was really exhausted and did not want me there, yet did it with me anyway. But, my goodness. I told him he could've been more of a real man by telling me he wasn't up for it instead of "having to do it" just bec I'm already there. That was so stupid and offensive to me.
I think the strong "odor" made me panicked today. I just see the dots connected together now and it feels like he asked all that questions bec of that. But then, he really, really begged for it again the next night. I don't know if a guy would do it with a woman AGAIN even after that strange smell. Hmm..... It does feel embarrassing tho.
I used to get those "Is it me?!" thoughts all the time with my ex-husband because our libidos were like night and day. He was full-on or full-off, and with time it became more full-off, so I blamed myself. I absolutely understand how easy it is to take bedroom idiosyncrasies personally.
"Earlier, he was asking for it but I said no. Then, I went back to my place but then changed my mind and went back to his place again... So, after the whole thing, he admitted that he was really exhausted and did not want me there, yet did it with me anyway. But, my goodness. I told him he could've been more of a real man by telling me he wasn't up for it instead of "having to do it" just bec I'm already there. That was so stupid and offensive to me."
Yeah, that would offend me, too. He could've said he wasn't up for it, he didn't have to make it sound like he was trying to appease you. It almost sounds a little hostile, like perhaps he resented your leaving, changing your mind, then returning. Like maybe he took it personally that you were indecisive. (Maybe I'm reading into things now.)
Now that I think about it, I don't know why he asked *you* why *you* didn't use protection. Condoms are your best bet, so even if you had a crate full by your bed, he would have to put it on. Unless you put it on him, I guess. That was a silly thing to say, too.
You could always ask him if he noticed an odor and if he's ever noticed it before during sex. Maybe he didn't even smell it. Women have a more acute sense of smell.
I don't want to lecture, but...With at least half of the adult population being infected with herpes, and taking into consideration that it can seriously cripple your dating life because there are a lot of people who don't want to date someone infected with herpes, I wouldn't play Russian Roulette with my health like that. Technically you can get it even if you use a condom--I found that out right before I began dating SO and asked him to get the full STD panel before we slept together. He was surprised, but didn't have a problem with it. If I were single today I'd do the same with every guy I dated. I tell ya, it's a minefield out there. Please think about being more careful in the future.
Sex scent is a combination of her fluids, his semen, sweat and bacteria.
Okay, as far as I know, herpes, etc. doesn't smell and you don't have to be dirty to get an STD. But semen temporarily changes the PH level in the vagina creating a strong odor. It's NOT you, it's his semen creating the odor.
But I think you are focusing on the wrong thing.
I HAVE to say that having unprotected sex is ALWAYS dangerous if you are trying to protect yourself against STD's or pregnancy. And THAT'S likely why he was questioning you about it, I'm sure. Not the smell. However, it's a MUTUAL responsibility and if he was so concerned, he should have put on a condom.
Remember, even condoms will not protect against all STD's, so there's always a risk in having sex with someone whose sexual history you don't know.
But next time, please take care of yourself and use the protection that's available. Insist that he bring a condom, or better yet, find a partner who is more respectful AND responsible.