So Sad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
So Sad...
6
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 9:42pm
I'm 50. He's 67. Thirteen years ago he began having impotence problems. Medication was not an option due to health concerns. We haven't had a sex life since then, and I've learned to live with it, but it has been rather damaging to my self-esteem. Now I find out he's been watching porn, and I am deeply hurt. I feel betrayed and that he is interested in sex....just not with me. I threw away my chance for sex in my late 30's and all of my 40's for what? I'm way too old to feel this way...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: janislynnjo
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 10:41pm

So he's been hiding the fact that he can get an erection? Sounds like you've both got a problem with communication about sex and sexual issues. You need to sit down with him and talk about it. How long has he been able to get an erection and WHY has he not told you that he is potentially capable of having sex? I doubt that it's about not being interested in having sex with you. I suspect that fear of embarrassment and an inability to communicate properly is mostly to blame.

It's quite possible that it became a vicious circle after the intial problems thirteen years ago. You lost the desire and interest to have sex because he wasn't capable of it for so long. When he was capable of it, you didn't seem interested so he avoided telling you and resorted to masturbation. Perhaps he didn't feel comfortable talking about sex? Maybe, as silly as it sounds, he could never find a way to tell you that he could get an erection without feeling embarrassed to be talking about sex. And since he didn't have a strong sex drive he let it go longer and longer and now you've both ended up here. That's all hypothetical anyway. You need to talk to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
In reply to: janislynnjo
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 10:53pm
Undoubtedly more than a grain of truth in your post. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: janislynnjo
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 11:17pm

He's watching porn.....and he's interested in sex. Ok, but does that mean that he's now capable of an erection again? He doesn't have to be getting an erection just because he's watching porn. Is he, or is he not capable of getting an erection again?

Either way, for all these years, he was still able to give you pleasure, with or without an erection. It was surely a blow for him to have this problem, but did you two ever discuss intimacy without intercourse? Have you talked to him now....about his porn usage? It might be a difficult subject to bring up, but I think that's exactly what you need to do. If this has been something that's been hidden away....it needs to be brought out into the light, and dealt with. Exactly how did you find out he's looking at porn? Did you tell him you know about it?

You need to start talking to him, and telling him how YOU feel...and how much better you would feel if you had some intimacy from him. If you've been silent all these years, he might even think that you don't even care. Start communicating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: janislynnjo
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 8:28am
He watches porn, but does he get an erection?

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
In reply to: janislynnjo
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 10:50am

Hi,

I can see how frustrating this is. All here have given you really good advice. Let me just add to it by saying that you have made a lot of assumptions (we all do from time to time) that may not be true, or that have more to it than you have thought about.

First, as others have said, because he is watching porn does not neccessarily mean that he can get an erection. Even if he can, there is a "fear factor" involved in this that is important to remember. In our world, no matter what anyone says, being a "man" has been very associated with the ability to get and sustain an erection. Even if your husband is getting an erection from watching porn, he still may be afraid of failure with you. Porn has no expectations...he can relax and whether he gets an erection or not there is no one there to dissappoint. In truth, the fear of dissappointing someone he loves can keep him from doing that very thing that he desires above all others. It's a catch 22.

It's helpful to remember, that as an adult, no one can "damage" your self-esteem, only you can damage your self-esteem. After all it is named that due to the fact that it comes from your "self", not another. His inability to get an erection or his fear of being physically intimate with you has nothing to do with you only with him.

Tish is an amazing woman and helped her husband feel safe enough to be intimate with her even when he was having ED problems. Love heals...always.

Rather than spending time worrying about whether he can get an erection, whether he is attracted to you or not. Consider spending some time doing other physically intimate things that don't require an erection. If he's open to it, take your clothes off and give him and oil massage and then let him reciprocate. DOn't have any expectation of intercourse or oral or manual or anything...just enjoy touching each other and let things happen as they happen.

Good luck and much love to you both.
Scott.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: janislynnjo
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:05pm

I recommend counseling. Undoubtedly, your DH feels inadequate because of the impotence and you must feel neglected and cheated out of sexual intimacy. Not to mention that he COULD have still provided oral and manual pleasure, with or without sexual aides, but instead 13 yrs. have gone by.

Talk with him about discussing his problem with a urologist since medications are available now that weren't 13 yrs. ago. And talk with him about doing something about the state of your marriage. You deserve more than you're getting.

To try and overcome the anger, resentment and hurt you must feel, please consider couples counseling so that you might have a chance for some happiness in your marriage.