something i've NEVER been asked to do...
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| Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:24am |
I've been going out with my boyfriend for only about a month and a couple weeks. We have been having sex for a few weeks and 2 weeks ago he asked me to, how you say... "toss his salad"... this makes me VERY uncomfortable, like I have a fear of doing it. He's telling me I better get over that fear. Some ex girlfriend did it to him and he likes it A LOT. I just don't think I can do it, I just wanted to know how many people do that. Is it a common thing? I mean I have honestly NEVER been asked to do that. Also anal sex, I just can't do that either. He put his fingers in there, but it felt like I was going to have to go to the bathroom...yeah...anyway... I'm starting to think I can't handle him sexually...we have sex a lot, but he says he needs more sex and also for me to get over my fear of licking his @$$hole. Yuck its was even hard for me to type that. I need advice big time.
Thank you.

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Just my opinion here... Everyone has their own sexual palette, things they enjoy doing and things they would feel comfortable doing if asked. Now that palette can be expanded given the right circumstances and motivation, but being told that you MUST get over any fears or reluctance to engage in certain acts is not the way to do it.
He needs to respect where you are, respect the boundaries you have at this time, and to help you expand your comfort zone slowly. Telling you what he wants to do is one thing, that's communication, but once he has done so he should wait until you are ready, until it's your choice. Amazing things can happen when there's no pressure, just encouragement and understanding..but any guy who demands something from a new partner just because he's had it in the past...well, to me that's not creating a new relationship, that's trying to recreate one that he had before.
It's not all about sex, it's about two people bringing their own desires and wants to each other and together finding out who they, as a couple, are. In bed and out of it.
As far as how many people engage in anal sex or "tossing a salad" there's a lot. Just as there are a lot that do not. They are not all that uncommon and as with anything sexual they can be very intimate and loving if completely consensual, when both parties are ready and want to do it.
Few of us start our sexual lives ready and willing to engage in everything that can possibly be done, but there are few of us who cannot find and enjoy new things if our partner takes us by the hand and helps us discover new things, new pleasures. Forcing someone to engage in ANYTHING before they are ready is going to be counterproductive and is, again in my opinion, just flat out wrong.
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Just the fact that he said "you'd BETTER learn how"....would be the end for me. He doesn't "own" you, and he can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. He can ASK, but once you say no, that should be the END.
So he threatened you......a veiled threat, but nevertheless, a threat. You'd better learn how, or WHAT? So if you want to keep him, you'll learn how, or he's gone.
Guess what, show him the door! Better sooner than later, with THAT attitude.
Sounds like it is time for a new boyfriend. Doesn't sound like he has much respect for you.
"he says he needs more sex "
Not sure what he means by this but it seems like his demands will grow over time. While it is great to experiment, one does have the right to not try something they have no desire/interest in.
liz,
I agree with other posts that this guy shouldnt try to force you into somethign that you dont like or not comfortable doing.
That being said, as far specifics of tossing salad, I have done it to others and have had it done to me and its one of my favorites. But, I would never force anyone to do it to me. Even currently, I toss my DW's salad, but she doesnt do it for me and I am still struggling how to bring it up to her that I'd like it. But I would never force her to do it.
BTW, did he do it to you? did you like it?
I think you should consider how he's treating you as a person and in sex. If he is forcing you and treating you like a sex object, then you should tell him that you dont like to be treated like that (if you dont like that) and if he continues, ditch him.
I agree with the others, who say ditch this guy.
Welcome to the board liz.
I agree with the other members -- you shouldn't be forced to perform or made to feel that you must perform a sexual act in order to have a satisfying relationship. If that's truly how he feels, then I would move on if I were you.
If you do decide to give this a try, I have heard of others that have done anal rimming with a barrier of Saran Wrap or similar type product. As far as having anal sex, that is something that you are not going to enjoy unless you are comfortable with it. While your likes and dislikes, wants and desires might change over time, it is something that you need to have an interest in to participate in -- not something you are expected to do.
my partner in the siggy exchange
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