Specific suggestions needed....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Specific suggestions needed....
8
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 9:52pm

I have been lurking here for awhile and need some good advice -- as you all seem so knowledgeable. I've been in a long-term, mostly sexless marriage and haven't had sex for almost 3 years. I'm now with a boyfriend (exclusive) and we have been starting to get intimate -- him going down on me, me going down on him, etc. The problem is two-fold (if you'll pardon the pun)....first, I am very "tight" and even gyno appointments are difficult and second, he is large (large enough around to need x-tra large condoms). I really, really want to be able to accomodate him - so what are the best ways to do that?

thanks so much in advance for all your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 10:24pm
let me just add that my stbxh has been out of the home since May. We've been through mediation and the divorce should be final some time next month. I didn't want anyone to think that this was an affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 12:14am

Unless you have a medical problem such as vaginismus (which isn't really physical, but emotional) or endometriosis, your vaginal muscles will stretch to accomodate most penises. Lets face it, a full term baby can come thru it, and he's not bigger than a baby! Not having had intercourse for 3 years should have nothing to do with it. Your vaginal muscles don't tighten, or atropy....they're still the same. They're always tightly closed until you're aroused..and then they relax.

What it takes complete arousal, relaxation, and probably some lube, too. Even when you're at your gyno you're probably not relaxed, which is why there's pain there. If you've had pain in the past, you're uptight, and that prevents you from relaxing, as well as lubricating. Take it slow, lots of foreplay, and enough lube. If it doesn't work the first time, it's not the end of the world...there's always next time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 5:12am

thanks. i guess i thought that would be the answer. fortunately or unfortunately while I've had 3 kids, they've all been c-section so none of them has given a chance to stretching out my vagina.

and no, it didn't work the first time and we both know it's not the end of the world. we're definitely committed to working on this issue so that both of us can enjoy the experience. and yes, next time we'll have the tube of lube ready to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 7:40am

Hello stranger, lol. Don't worry, your identity/presence here will stay on the hush-hush, lol.


Two words .... foreplay and lubrication. Which can be taken care of together (foreplay causing lubrication) or separately. And I echo what greentea says ...

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 11:25am

When my hubby (then bf) and I started having sex, it took several "tries". Like your situation, I was inactive for a long period of time and he was somewhat on the big side. Just keep on trying, your (and his) patience will be rewarded.. :o)

Of course lots of foreplay and lubrication would help, like others said. Yes, vagina can stretch to accomodate a baby... but you definitely don't want intercourse to feel like giving birth, do you? I read some time ago an expert's advice on such issue, which I found helpful. She (or maybe he?) adviced a woman NOT to think about 'how vagina can stretch to fit a baby' during intimacy, such thoughts aren't at all romantic and add pressure to the woman. Instead, don't worry about 'down there', concentrate on romantic thoughts in your mind, how much you love this man, how sexy and turned-on he is, how sexy you are, how good your 'tightness' would make him feel, how good he would make you feel... etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 1:29pm

Hi, you already got good suggestions: relaxation, foreplay and lubrication. These will all help a lot.

Like you, I'm consistently tighter than average (regardless of level of arousal, etc), and my husband is bigger & thicker than average (he would wear XL condoms, too.) In addition to all of the above, we find that certain positions are much more comfortable and accomodating to us than others. Choose positions where you control the depth, like you on top. This helps. Some positions are just naturally more shallow rather than deep, like spoon position. One of the deepest positions is doggie style, which is often too much for me (painful), especially if he's really thrusting. If you do this position, ask him to let you be in control of the movements/depth more than he is (you move back onto him while he remains mostly still). In our case, we can usually do this position after we do at least a couple of others; I handle the deeper positions better if we are well into our lovemaking sessions. I hope this makes sense. :)

For us, the best lube we have found by FAR, is called Sex Grease. You can find this one online at several of the popular suppliers of adult intimate products. You can also search for it by name online.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 4:32pm
Savcal -- can you e-mail me? I won't be able to post for a long time....
eileencsm40@yahoo.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 11:36pm

Giving birth vaginally doesn't "stretch out" your vagina! (unless some traumatic damage is done!) Just as being sexually active doesn't stretch it out. Your vaginal muscles are always tight, until you're aroused.....then they relax, and can accomodate any penis (within reason). When you're done, they get tight again. That's why some women have problems with tampons...they're not relaxed, and they're dry when they try to insert them.

Within a week or two after childbirth, your vagina is the same as it always was. Abstinence from sex doesn't change it either. If you're completely relaxed and aroused, and well lubricated it'll work. It might just be that you're still nervous with him, and having pain once makes you that much more nervous (and dry) the next time.