Spectatoring & Problems Orgasming

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Spectatoring & Problems Orgasming
12
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 2:15am


Hi, folks! I'm a total newbie here so I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I'm happy to be directed to a better forum or to get links to similar discussions (I can't quite figure out how to search yet....although I've browsed a lot).

I am a 31 year old woman and cannot orgasm during intercourse. I can orgasm when I masturbate or manually or orally stimulated by my partner. But even then, I simply cannot orgasm during sex. After much online research I think my problem is my constant spectatoring during sex. I simply cannot stop thinking about the act and what I'm doing. I question how I look, whether he's enjoying what's happening, whether I'm breathing too loud, not loudly enough, if I should moan, scratch my hands down his back, whatever....I just cannot get into the moment.

Many sites recommend that I "stop spectatoring" by "thinking about the sensations" I'm feeling. That's a lot more easily said than done. Any more detailed suggestions or tips or tricks? I'd love to stop spectatoring but I don't feel my problem at this point is as easy as turning off a switch. I've been doing this for a good 15 years and it's become seriously ingrained. Even when I start thinking to myself "stop spectatoring and start thinking about sensations" I go through a whole specatoring scenario where I feel anxious about the fact that I'm spectatoring!

Help!

P.S. I should note that the only way I've been able to masturbate is manually but using cloth between hand and body - though manual or oral by a partner hasn't required that. I also have to have my body in a particular position (laying down spread eagled with legs wide apart) that I'm only now beginning to read might be awkward - not sure how to change that either and whether that might be interfering with my ability to at least reach intercourse orgasm through manual stimulation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 10:16am

Masters and Johnson not withstanding....."spectatoring" is just a fancy word for worrying about everything and anything instead of concentrating on what you're doing. If you'd done further research, you would have also found that over 80% of women do NOT have orgasms from intercourse alone....simply because the vagina has little or no nerve endings with the exception of the "g" spot. Most women require clitoral stimulation during intercourse to have orgasms.

As far as your method(s) of masturbation, that's just a matter of "habit"....that's how you've trained yourself. Like any other bad habit, you have to retrain yourself.

If you understand that sexual pleasure is for two people, not just the other person, then you'll learn to stop focusing on all the other things, and focus on what you're doing, and the pleasure you're having.

Most men are NOT studying your body during sex, so why should you? Good lovers are there for YOUR pleasure, as well as their own, and good lovers take pleasure in providing pleasure. If you're not allowing yourself to have that pleasure, then you're not going to have it. No one's body is perfect, and most men aren't perfect either. Sexual activity is not the time to worry about body image, or facial expressions, sounds, back scratching or anything other than giving and getting pleasure. You're not there to put on a "performance"......you're there to have pleasure.

If you want orgasms during intercourse, then you or he or your position needs to provide clitoral stimulation at the same time. A good position for clitoral stimulation is woman on top.....if you get it right, you might even get "g" spot stimulation.

The whole point of sex is pleasure, and unless and until you allow yourself to enjoy that pleasure, you'll get very little out of it. Forget what HE's thinking, all he's thinking about is his own pleasure, and providing pleasure for you. Your "job" is to do the same. You have to clear your mind of everything except what you're feeling, and the pleasure you're having. Leave your "ego" and your "performance" at the bedroom door.

It takes time to break bad habits, but the sooner you start working on it, the sooner you'll learn the true pleasure of sex.

For more info on how your body works, and how to get more pleasure, check out www.the-clitoris.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 10:01am
Try doggie-style while using a vibrator. It feels great to both you and him, maybe if you experience an orgasm with him inside you this way it will be easier to achieve.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 1:20pm


Thanks for the responses, all =)

I will have to pick up a vibrator...tried one several years back and it didn't do much for me but I should experiment more before giving it up entirely.

As for the orgasm during sex, I'm not keen on an actual vaginal orgasm. At this point I'd like to try for simply a clitoral orgasm _during_ intercourse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:47pm

Can you have one with WOT (woman on top)?

My DW has similar problems. If her head isn't there, forget about any orgasm. Sometimes I can tell when her mind is off somewhere else - so I will go with a slow full body massage (both sides), then some oral. Most times that is enough to get her in the mood to a point where she can orgasm WOT. The key is to get her "tuned out" to everything (the day's problems, her self esteem, etc.) and "turned on" to one thing - her pleasure.

Not sure if this helps you or not. Maybe your partner can try some different techniques to get you "turned on" to the point where you get lost in the moment.

in2it O->

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 5:55pm
try your guy sitting and you sitting on top of him strattling him with your knees facing him. i can only come in this position. not always, but a lot of the time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 6:26pm


Thanks again for the suggestions!

I have never been able to orgasm WOT, or even orgasm through purely clitoral stimulation in that position or any other intercourse position.

Apinky, I'm trying to envision this position. It's with us both sitting (me on top of him) - but how are your knees? Inward or indian style? (i.e., is it like your knees are between you and his chest or....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 11:54pm
You are KNEELING on the bed.....straddling him. He's not sitting, he's lying down, and you're "sitting" on him. You can balance or steady yourself with your hands on your thighs, or on his chest. You move your pelvis slowly and sensuously in a circular motion, or slight thrusting from the waist. You don't bounce up and down, you're in contact with him at all times, grinding into his pubic bone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 3:33am
I dont know if this will be much help but have you thought about using alcohol to relax. Not a ton to get wasted but a glass or two. Also I feel more in the mood with sexy music. It might help you relax some.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:54pm


i also notice that sexy music helps (sade is what we listened to last time and that's probably as close as i've been).

i gotta be honest, the kneeling over him thing gives me pause mostly because i can't get over the body image problem - yeahyeah, i know that's spectatoring. i've done the position before and it was fun for a while. gar, maybe i need to meditate beforehand to get over the spectatoring!

thank you for the continued help, folks! it feels so much better just talking about it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 5:55pm
hi there. at first i didn't orgasm with intercourse either. it took a few times. the key thing is to RELAX and not think about the orgasm. ok i am able to usually orgasm in 2 positions (so far, we have been having sex for just about 3 months now). 1 position is: he lies down on his back. and i sit on him facing him with my knees on both sides of him. typical women on top position. The best position for me is: he sits up with his legs together against the bed and I sit on him while he enters me and my knees are on both sides of him. I can really feel his penis in this position. I don't always orgasm. depends on my mood etc. but it's very good. If you have never orgasmed period, have you tried oral sex? him licking and kissing you "down there"? it's really nice. or have him lie beside you and let him play with you. just enjoy it and relax. one question for you...have you never had an orgasm, or have you not had one with this current guy u r with? let me know if i can help you any further.

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