A statement

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
A statement
14
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 5:31am
I "discovered" sex three years ago. Until then I was a virgin. I have listened about it or red about it in magazines. I did it because I was 30 years of age, I found a good person and he really understands me, or at least trying. I am religious person, so I did it against my beliefs before I get married. I am still with that guy. We have good relationship without much sex, we have it very rarely, because we do not have place where we can do it or time for it and I feel good because of that. And I love my boyfriend and I love beeing with him.
I never dreamt about sex. Now, when I have it in my life, I am not too happy because of it. I still cannot understand all of that fuss about sex, why little girls rush to have it, when it is much better without it. It gives so much problems and questions.
I still think that sex is only for procreation, nothing else, but today if u want to have relation with a bf/gf you have to have sex. WHY IS IT SUCH OBLIGATION? Why do people feel sorry for people who are virgins after their 15th year of age? I was proud because I was a virgin. When I choose to lose my virginity, I was so sad. Everybody in my surrounding said that I should do it so it is so natural and if I don't I am stupid, narrow-minded and that I will miss something in my life. Now I know they are wrong.
Intimacy? Does sex brings it in relationship. I do not agree with that. I think that it brings more quarrels then intimacy. If it brings intimacy, why then so many divorces? I blame sex for that. I think people mix sex attraction for love and get married because they have good sex in their relationships. And when they don't have enough sex, which solved all their problems, they can't be together any more. People use sex as excuse for everything that is good and bad in their relationship.
That is really my opinion about sex.



Edited 5/30/2006 5:50 am ET by ortanan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 6:33am

It is so unfortunate that - probably due to an excessively religious upbringing - you feel the way you do about sex. You actually leave me quite speechless as I realize that there is nothing anyone here could say to you which will have ay impact whatsoever on your attitude.

I do hope with all my heart that you seek out and marry *only* a person with similar feelings. There is no way that you could ever sustain a happy marriage with a man possessed with anything remotely resembling an average sex drive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 7:06am

Most normal healthy people have a desire for sex. If you're completely lacking any desire for it, then you're not going to understand those feelings. Life is not better for the average person with a good libido if they completely abstain.

Given your views, you probably shouldn't be having sex at all. You certainly shouldn't be pretending to want sex to keep a man around. You'd be much better off not dating at all, or dating a man who is completely asexual and never wants to have sex. Your boyfriend may be perfectly fine with hardly ever having sex now because he knows there's a good reason in that you don't have a place but that's not likely that he would continue to want to keep that schedule if you did get married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 7:10am

Thanks for even looking my post. No one could change my opinion, even my boyfriend, and he is trying so much. Even now, he tries, but not forcing it, but by being gentile and understanding, my religion needs.
I choose to believe the way I do. On the contrary, my parents are nonbelievers and they participated in 1968 revolution. They believe in sex freedom, I do not.
I must say, I don't hate sex so much, as it seams, but I don't see it like all of you do and I wanted to post my opinion because I don't like when I read in newspapers or magazines that if sex isn't good in relationship, relationship should be terminated, like there is nothing else except sex. Moreover it is like people aprisiate each other trough their sex abilities. Like we expect from man to be Cazanovas or women to be whores in bed. And if they are not...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 8:10am

IMO.....these


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 9:24am

You are entitled to your own opinions. It's unfortunate that through most of your "statement" you show that you are not making your own choices, you are bowing to "general opinion". If people have strong beliefs, they do not let others lead them in a different direction. You've done what you "think" you should do, despite your personal feelings, and now you're not happy because you didn't FOLLOW your own beliefs.

You decided to have sex at age 30 because you were age 30, NOT because you were in love with someone. Your religious beliefs told you NOT to do it, and you were sad because you did it.....but yet, you DID it! You say your parents believe in free sex...and you were rebelling against their beliefs by remaining a virgin till 30.

Where did you get the idea that people feel sorry for anyone over 15 that is still a virgin? Maybe that's YOUR opinion, and maybe that's why you finally gave up your virginity at age 30, because you felt sorry for yourself and because everyone around you said you should. If you truly believed that you shouldn't, you wouldn't have listened to those "other" people. Now you regret that decision, because you feel that sex is not what you thought it was. It's not going to BE what you thought, because you don't have the right feelings for this man you're with. You accepted sex with him because he was a "good" person. And because he understood you, or THOUGHT he did. He obviously didn't because now he wants more sex, and you don't. You say you love this man, but you really don't. You think you SHOULD love him because you're having sex with him. What you think is love is actually guilt...your guilt at breaking your resolve to save sex for marriage. You won't lose that guilt until you ARE married to him, and that would a terrible thing for HIM.

I do agree with you that many people think that if the sex is good, it's a good relationship, and of course that's NOT true. BUT, if a relationship is good otherwise, the sex WILL be good, and it will be a wonderful PART of a good relationship. A good relationship requires MANY things.....Honesty...a very important part of any relationship, and you're not honest with yourself, therefore you can't be honest with this man. Respect......you don't respect yourself because you broke your own rule, and you don't respect him because he wants more sex from you. Love and honor....you can't love anyone until you learn to love and honor yourself.

You would probably benefit from some professional counselling, that could help you resolve the many conflicts you have within yourself. You had/have beliefs, but you went against them because of your "percieved" influence from other people. When someone truly believes, they do not let other people, or "society" influence them. You allowed that influence, and now you're unhappy because you didn't have the strenghth to follow what you thought were your strong beliefs. If you ever want to be happy, or in a good relationship, you need to start liking yourself a lot more. You can't love another person when you don't love yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 9:29am
Thank you Tish. MY BOYFRIEND KNOWS WHAT DO I THINK ABOUT SEX AND TRYES TO RESPECT IT. When I get married, it would be different.
I agree with you, that most important thing in relationship between two people is love and understanding. I didn't talking about all people, but it seams to me that sometimes people do really mistake sexual atraction for love.
Yes, again you are right about me. I did something against my beliefs, but not entirely because of others opinion. I must say, when I heard some of opinions, I cryed for whole manth, because it felt like they are mocking me. I can't really explane what I felt then, but it was very hard for me to exept what they said. I choose to loose my virginity mostly because my boyfriend was a good and kind man (he still is), who said that he will marry me. And again, I wanted to try sex, just to see did I miss something, or didn't I. He loves me as I am, even with my opinion about sex. To tell you honestly, he was with me most of the time I cryed because of loosing my virginity. And he never forsed me into that, he was prepared to wait untill I was ready. That was really important to me then and it is important to me now. What I wanted to say about others opinion is that all around me think the same: loose your virginity as soon as possible, it is the most important thing to do now when you have a boyfriend.
I don't pretend to enjoy in sex, I really enjoy in sex with him. He tries to please me in everyway he can and I respect that. And again, he is ready for compromises, as I am too.
Maybe I look crazy now, or, as you sed, screwed up, but I really don't see things are so different then my opinion is. At least here in my country, where I live.
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 9:37am

Well I think your opinions about sex are a little contradicting. First you say you decided to go against your religious beliefs and have sex with your partner without being married... yet then you go on to say sex should only be for procreation? Surely, if you honestly believed that then you wouldn't have had sex before marriage because as someone religious, I don't think you're looking to have children without getting married? So if you're not looking to have children, why are you having sex at all, even if it is infrequently? The rare times you do have sex you're not doing it to procreate so you're going against your own religious beliefs. Either stop having sex altogether until you are trying to have kids or admitt that sex isn't just about procreation. You can't have it both ways.

"I still cannot understand all of that fuss about sex, why little girls rush to have it, when it is much better without it. It gives so much problems and questions. "

Some young girls rush to have sex for the same reason they want to smoke, drink, swear, etc: because they think it makes them an adult. They long for the freedoms of adulthood without the responsibility of it.

And if life and relationships are so much better without sex, then why are you having sex at all?

Also, if you don't understand the fuss about sex then clearly you're not enjoying sex and if you're not enjoying sex it means you're not doing it right for yourself. Sex can be mind blowingly good or it can be terrible. It's not assured that just because you have sex, it will automatically be good and you'll enjoy it. People who make a fuss about sex are people who have enjoy GREAT sex. You simply have not experienced great sex which is a shame because it sounds like you're determined to never enjoy it.

And lastly, in a healthy, trusting, and loving relationship sex does not cause "so much problems and questions".

"Why do people feel sorry for people who are virgins after their 15th year of age?"

I suppose some people feel sorry for those who wait so long because they feel "you don't know what you're missing". But honestly, it's none of their business when you choose to have sex and I think you'll find most people here believe that too.

"Everybody in my surrounding said that I should do it so it is so natural and if I don't I am stupid, narrow-minded and that I will miss something in my life. Now I know they are wrong."

Well why are you listening to them anyways? Again, it's none of their business when you choose to have sex and you should be strong enough to tell them to mind their own business and not let them pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

"Intimacy? Does sex brings it in relationship. I do not agree with that."

As Tish indicated, sex does not bring intimacy to a relationship, sex is a celebration of and re-enforces the intimacy that is already there. If there is no intimacy to begin with, many people find it difficult to enjoy the sex because sex itself is not going to automatically bring intimacy to the relationship.

"I think that it brings more quarrels then intimacy. If it brings intimacy, why then so many divorces? I blame sex for that."

Sex is not the reason people get divorced. Some for people it might be but in fact, in most surveys when couples are asked the number one issue that they fight over, the answer is not sex, it's usually money.

"I think people mix sex attraction for love and get married because they have good sex in their relationships. And when they don't have enough sex, which solved all their problems, they can't be together any more."

I'm sorry but just like no one should judge you for your choices, you have no right to judge the entire population of those who are divorced or have relationship problems... were you privy to all their relationships? No. So how do you know exactly what broke them up? You don't. You can't possibly know that and it's ludicrous to think that you do. You're making assumptions and generalizations based on you're own experiences and that's not right. It seems you've developed this line of thinking that sex is bad because you don't enjoy it so therefore sex must be the root of all problems. You have the right to live your sexual life (or lack there of) however you please but you don't have the right to apply your personal opinions on the relationships of others by judging all their problems as related to sex.

It sounds to me like despite your age, you still weren't ready to have sex because you wanted to wait till marriage. Nothing wrong with that. But then people around you pressured you into doing it and now that you have, you feel obligated to continue having sex to keep your boyfriend happy (even if it is infrequently) and thus it's causing problems for you because you regret it. Well, I'm sorry but that doesn't mean sex causes problems for everyone else in the world and at your age, you should really be mature enough to understand that.

I'm not surprised that you're not enjoying sex if you aren't comfortable having sex before marriage. So you have two choices... you can accept the fact that you've already done it and you might as well do your best to try and enjoy it (explore yourself, find what feels good to you, tell him what you like, etc) or you can tell him that you feel you've made a mistake having sex before marriage and you would like to stop having sex completely until you're married because only then will you be comfortable with it and might actually enjoy it and finally understand what all the fuss is about.

I'm not telling you that either choice is right or wrong... it's your decision to choose what's right for you. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. But obviously based on your comments you are not happy having sex before marriage and it's definitely a problem for you so you can't continue like you are, you have to make a change either way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:02am
First of all I think you need to forgive yourself for going against your belifes.
I waited until I was married to have sex and I regret that. I think my husband and I lost a lot of time together when we were dating because of my religous belifes.
But what ever you chose to do is up to you.
I think little girls want to rush into sex because the way the media makes it look. Have you ever watched porn. I really don't think that is a true view of sex. But it looks so enjoyable that you think its going to be like that your first time out.
I know several couples that have bad marriages but great sex. Thats because they confusse sex with love. Dh and I started out having a bad sex life but strong marriage. But after 20 years of practice we have a great marriage and a great sex life.
I think you need to learn that the mind is the biggest sex organ, and you need to learn to let go when you have sex, if that's what you choose. Or you could stop having sex until you are married. I think some where the bible say's that a women is to fulfill her husbands needs and sex is a part of his needs, she should also give her self willing to her husband, and I think that with your belifes this might be what you need to do. But thats just my oponion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:41am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:50am

>> When I get married, it would be different. <<

Frankly, everything else you have written screams out that the above statement is not factual. You are clearly a very conflicted woman with some serious issues regarding sexuality. I find it highly unlikely that you will suddenly begin to enjoy sex once you are married.

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