A statement

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
A statement
14
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 5:31am
I "discovered" sex three years ago. Until then I was a virgin. I have listened about it or red about it in magazines. I did it because I was 30 years of age, I found a good person and he really understands me, or at least trying. I am religious person, so I did it against my beliefs before I get married. I am still with that guy. We have good relationship without much sex, we have it very rarely, because we do not have place where we can do it or time for it and I feel good because of that. And I love my boyfriend and I love beeing with him.
I never dreamt about sex. Now, when I have it in my life, I am not too happy because of it. I still cannot understand all of that fuss about sex, why little girls rush to have it, when it is much better without it. It gives so much problems and questions.
I still think that sex is only for procreation, nothing else, but today if u want to have relation with a bf/gf you have to have sex. WHY IS IT SUCH OBLIGATION? Why do people feel sorry for people who are virgins after their 15th year of age? I was proud because I was a virgin. When I choose to lose my virginity, I was so sad. Everybody in my surrounding said that I should do it so it is so natural and if I don't I am stupid, narrow-minded and that I will miss something in my life. Now I know they are wrong.
Intimacy? Does sex brings it in relationship. I do not agree with that. I think that it brings more quarrels then intimacy. If it brings intimacy, why then so many divorces? I blame sex for that. I think people mix sex attraction for love and get married because they have good sex in their relationships. And when they don't have enough sex, which solved all their problems, they can't be together any more. People use sex as excuse for everything that is good and bad in their relationship.
That is really my opinion about sex.



Edited 5/30/2006 5:50 am ET by ortanan

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 12:42pm

I think this is a fascinating discussion as long as we can keep personal judgments out of it. I too remained a virgin for a long time (late 20s--not due to religious beliefs, but prudish upbringing) and wondered what I was missing out on. By the time I was in my mid-20s I just felt like a freak. I finally had sex and didn't see what the big deal was. The problem was I had it built up in my mind with all the years of wonder and anticipation, thinking when I finally started having sex it would be life-altering. It was disappointing, for sure, but with time I came to realize that the key to a satisfying sex life requires WAY more than just engaging in the act itself. It requires emotional love and affection between the two individuals and a total willingness to give one's body and mind to the union. If you're not happy to give yourself to your boyfriend in this way (and vice versa), then you cannot have a fulfilling sex life. Perhaps this is something you feel you're unable to do because you're not married. If there's any underlying shame or guilt then of course you're not able to enjoy it and see what the big deal about sex is.

For some, I suppose it is all about physical pleasure. For myself, sex is about so much more and if I weren't in love with and committed to my boyfriend, I think I might feel much the way you do. One major difference I see with your situation though, is that it doesn't appear that you ever wanted to enjoy sex. You felt pressured to have it because of what others were saying or doing. You have to want it for yourself and to not feel any shame or guilt. If you're from a culture that forbids premarital sex, then it's no wonder that you're feeling the way you do. I also agree with others that it might be best for you to stop having sex until you're married. Until you give yourself permission to have an enjoyable and healthy sex life, I don't think you should. Sex can be wonderful, but it can also be ruined by negative memories or associations, so if it continues to be unpleasant for you, stop until your thinking about sex changes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: ortanan
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:35pm

I think that santabarbarachick is really on to something here. Your thoughts and feelings about sex and love are conflicting and you say one thing, then you contradict it moments later.

I can understand that you have conflicting thoughts and feelings about sex now because you are having it even though it is against your beliefs. What worries me is that I do not think that you will suddenly begin to enjoy it when you *are* married. By your logic and in line with your beliefs sex should be acceptable and probably something to be enjoyed between a husband and a wife. I don't think that you will change though. If you do not even enjoy sex slightly or have some inkling of how good it can be with a loving and caring partner *now*, then I don't think that it will be any better after marriage. You say that it will be different, but I don't think that it will be. I don't think that a person can go from having no desire for sex to becoming a person that enjoys sex and has sexual desire just because they have gotten married. You'll discover that marriage is just a piece of paper and that it does NOT change the two people that are getting married. If you don't even have the slightest idea *now* of how pleasurable sex can be, then you won't *later*.

I'm pleased to see you here on the boards discussing this, because I think that you need to reconcile your true feelings and your sexuality with your idea that things will change when you get married. Unless you do that, your current b/f (your future husband) will discover that the promises you have made about your sex life being different and better and more frequent after marriage are simply not true. He will have to start his married life with broken promises from you and the realisation that you will never enjoy sex as he expected you would and as you promised you would. In some ways you will have created a self-fulfilling prophecy by not being truthful with yourself or him now. Sex WILL cause arguments and problems for the two of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
In reply to: ortanan
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 6:35am
Thank you all. My problem is that I can except but cannot forgive myself what I did. Maybe that is real problem. I have such anger, that it comes out sometime. All of you somehow gave me a few explanations I have known, but they do not satisfy me. Maybe I am searching impossible.
With this message, I close this post. You all have been very kind and thank you for your effort to help me. Sorry if I offended anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2005
In reply to: ortanan
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 9:09pm

I really don't agree with anything you said. I am not the kind of person who thinks you should just sleep with every person you meet, but I do think sex is a very important part of a relationship. My DH and I have a happy marriage and a very active sex life. There is nothing we can't discuss. He wants to please me and I want to please him.

I don't think divorce has anything to do with sex in most cases. I think it has to do with ppl not knowing each other really well before they decide to get married, or marrying someone expecting they will change, etc.

To me, sex shouldn't feel like an obligation. It feels good and makes you feel good and it's the one gift you give the person you love, that no one else can give them.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Pages