Suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
Suggestions?
6
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 1:08pm

I'm completely confused and frustrated and so I'm hoping that someone might be able to shed some light onto what I can do. I know it's long and I'm sorry.

To begin my boyfriend and I have a generally great relationship. My libido is much higher than my boyfriend's but we've generally been able to compromise on that matter. There's still some issues there but that's not what has me so confused.

I tried talking to him last night about my desire for more in the way of foreplay before jumping into the actual act when we do have sex. I had asked him in the past to do this or that but usually when we get to the act he seems to forget about it. He's even started to comment that I don't seem very aroused when we have sex anymore. When I tried to talk to him about this it set him off. First he accused me of just getting upset because I "wasn't getting enough".

He went from there to accusing me of being the reason why we don't have foreplay saying that I never do anything. Well, in the past he's been completely adverse to almost any kind of touching or kissing. He won't deep kiss me because he's had his nose cauterized and can't breath through it. Whenever I've tried to do anything in the way of kissing or nibbling his body (except for bj's, of course) he's either brushed me away or seemed incredibly bored. He's told me in the past that none of that does anything for him at all.

He's very dominating in the bedroom and over time since we've been together I've just learned do only what he indicates he wants because anything else seems to stop any kind of passion dead in it's tracks. Now I guess that's a habit I'll have to break but I'm not sure how. He wants me to be more assertive about starting things but when I try to initiate sex he usually seems completely oblivious.

In a round-about way my main question is this: what can you do to turn someone on who doesn't like to be kissed, sucked, caressed, bit, scratched, licked, or anything like that? I honestly can't dance but I've even tried going around in skimpy clothes or even naked - he ogles, but that's it. I'm at my wit's end. I've asked him what he would like me to do or what would make him happy and the response I get is "I don't know". About the only thing I know I can do to turn him on is give him head which I used to love to do but even that is turning sour for me. More often than not that ends without me being touched at all.

dreaming of becoming a mommy blinkie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: saydar
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 2:19pm

You're between a rock and a hard place! He's got some problems....and there's nothing you can do to change him.....he has to want to change himself. He's selfish, and blames everything on you. He won't "waste" his time on foreplay, but complains you're not aroused.

Very honestly, with his personality, I can't see how your relationship can be great in ANY way....because I'm sure he's the same way OUT of the bedroom....his way, or no way.

My ex husband was like your b/f. He didn't like to be touched (0utside the bedroom) and hated to even sit next to me on the couch watching TV. He was a very domineering man, in and OUT of the bedroom. I don't even think he knew what foreplay WAS! I sensed that before we married, but like all young and dumb women, I thought once we were married it would change. It didn't. I finally learned to not touch him, not try to cuddle with him...and keep my distance unless he indicated that he was "interested". There were lots of other problems in our marriage, biggest among them was the fact that he was cheating from practically the beginning. He also became an alcoholic. ALL of these things (I know NOW) are indicators of a man with VERY low self esteem. Anyway, after 20 years, we got divorced.....and I asked him WHAT had gone wrong, why he did the things he did, and guess what his answer was? He said I was COLD, and that I never even touched him! See, you can't win! You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

I see a lot of similarities in your relationship. You need to start talking, and he needs to start listening. If he's willing, he needs some counselling to understand how a relationship is supposed to work. If he's not willing to do that, then I don't see any hope for this relationship working......at least not for YOU. Right now, it's all his way, and he'll never change on his own. You, on the other hand, will get more and more miserable as time goes on. If he's not willing to at least TRY to change, I think you should think about moving on.

Your problems aren't in the bedroom.....that's just a symptom of the real problems. His lack of self esteem & self confidence, which he covers by being domineering are the real problem. You will never be able to fix it for him....and what he's doing is a "self fulfilling prophesy".....he's afraid of losing you, so he's trying to control you, and all he's doing is driving you away. Good luck!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: saydar
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 10:17pm

What an immature, manipulative prima donna he is! I'm sorry but based on your post alone, your guy sounds like a jerk. He's treating you as if you're auditioning to be his lover and his attitude seems to be "impress me."

Frankly, I think you need to stop worrying about how to turn HIM on and start being more concerned about what YOU want and what you aren't getting in this relationship! Do some emotional inventory and decide if there is anything worth hanging onto.

Geeze, girl...get a spine. Stand up for yourself or you'll never get what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
In reply to: saydar
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:27pm

Saydar,

There's really no excuse for him accepting oral from you without him having to do anything to please you either. By the sounds of it, you've done just what you needed to do and he is clearly showing that he isn't interested in the same way that you are.

This sounds like a classic case of a partner that prefers lustful sex without the intimacy. He enjoys the raw sex, but is often turned off by the intimacy that you try to employ out of it. In fact, when he suggested you being more assertive, did by any chance mean more assertive in the lustful fashion only?

I'm sure though that someone may question if he is simply fatigued from a possibly busy schedule or if he is a bit too much into the porn or something like that that would take his energy/focus away from you so much. you have communicated your confusion and needs to him as best you possibly could and THIS is the response you get outta him, then this would certainly be a good counseling case if you could afford it. Otherwise, time to question what he really wants out of the physical relationship you and not simply himself whenever its convenient for *him*.

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
In reply to: saydar
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:55pm

Oh my god, I can't believe I just read that post. I'm male and I know there are men ilke that out there, but I can't believe it. You haven't mentioned much about your relationship outside of sex, but I agree with some people that your man can't be much better outside of the bedroom. I think it's an issue of respect and it doesn't look like you're getting it.

I guess you have to ask yourself if that relationship is good enough. Are you happy being with him for years? Believe me there are men out there who will do anything to please their woman, inside and outside of the bedroom. You're too good to get treated like that. Dump him and get yourself a real man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: saydar
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 3:42pm

"He went from there to accusing me of being the reason why we don't have foreplay saying that I never do anything."

But when you DO do something, it's somehow "not right."

You cannot win. That is the whole point of this childish game. He does not want to have mutual gratification with an equal partner. He is an overgrown child, who wants to be masterbated by a love doll. I don't know much about the rest of your relationship, but I'm thinking you will grow tired of him soon. In the meantime, DO NOT get knocked up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
In reply to: saydar
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 5:43pm

Sounds like you need a new boyfriend! There are many guys looking for someone with your sexual energy, don't waste too much time with him if he doesn't soon come around...no pun intended!