Thoughts of Sex with Others
Find a Conversation
Thoughts of Sex with Others
| Tue, 06-13-2006 - 2:28pm |
For those in LTR do you continue to have urges to have sex with other people? If yes, are you sexually satisfied in your relationship.
When I was younger I pretty much would only have eyes for whoever I was dating. But now in my mid-30s it no longer works this way. I love my guy, but find my sexual thoughts are not very loyal. I'm wondering if it's the 'in your prime' hormones pumping.
Any thoughts?

Pages
First there is a difference between an urge and acting on it. Granted I have 'urge' to play again in a threesome situation but it does not necessarily mean I will. Plus I do find my relationship very satisfying, both in and out of the bedroom.
The question that I have for you is, what is the reason for wanting others? Is it because it is something you would like to add to your bedroom fun or is it because you are loosing interest? If you are wanting to add it to your bedroom then you need to figure out why you want to add it. However if you are wanting to do it because you want to spice up a relationship that is drying up then you my find that is probably the last thing you want to be doing.
I know in a few incidences as children leave the home and combine that with entering menopause it does lead some women into wanting to venture into a threesome / swinging / group sex scenario. However this is quite rare though and based on your reply a bit early for you. The typical woman who would fit in this scenario would be someone in the late 30s to late 40s, almost repulsed by the idea earlier in their relationship, and a woman entering meonpause with no children at home.
In my honest opinion, threesomes / swinging / couples sex / group sex should come from within the relation. Meaning it is a desire that is equally shared by both partners in a long-term stable reationship to push their sexual experiences further and is done from agreed boundries. It should not be done a 'cure', 'fix' , 'spice' or any type of adventure to bring a relationship back on track. If you are doing it because something is missing from the relationship then this type of situation will, more than likely, exasperate any underlying issues by bringing them to surface. It is the equivalce of bathing in gasoline and then using a lit torch to dry yourself off with.
Only you can answer the necessary questions as to why you want to play with others. Once you have understood why it is best to talke with your SO so that you can plan your next steps.
nope. though to be fair my ltr has a definate end (it's been a month, we have another 2.5 to go) and we're seeing each other in a month tomorrow :-D
but i've done ltr for longer than that before and while i notice other guys and find them attractive etc (something which i also do when i'm not in an ltr) i don't have the desire to sleep with them. i also don't think that having sexual thoughts about someone other than your partner necessarily means that you're not totally devoted to them.
For the most part, the human brain is "wired" that way...no matter what kind of relationship we are in, almost every person in the world is going to look at others, find some attractive or desirious, think sexual thoughts about them, and even fantasize about having sex with them while actually having sex with their significant other. That is the BEAUTY of the human mind...we CAN create these amazing, sexy thoughts about others without fear of acting on them.
At the most basic core of animal biology, the male is driven to have sex with as many females as he can in an attempt to "spread his seed" to as many "suitable" females as possible. Attractiveness as an urge is what qualifies a sexual partner as "suitable", meaning that she has the qualities that the male mind is looking that displays a healthy physique and is more likely to bear him healthy children as a result of their union.
Similarily, the female is looking for a strong, virile male who can provide her with healthy babies and protect them. Attractiveness to a female often reflects her view of how the male can provide and protect her from other males/predators.
This biological phenomenon is true in most mammals, and is no less true in Humans. Our more complex brains and subsequent society and cultures have created more complex reasons regarding sexual attractiveness and sexual unions. However, our biology STILL controls the urge to seek out, look at, appreciate, and desire others who we find attractive and sexually appealing. The rules of relationships that we have created over thousands of years of society is what stops us from acting on those desires. Whatever is the acceptable behavior in your environment is how most will respond to those feelings and urges.
Personally, I do not see anything wrong with appreciating a beautiful, sexy woman...I can oogle her chest, watch her butt wiggle as she walks away, admire the shapely curve of her legs, and let my jaw drop in awe of her overall beauty...but looking and touching are two entirely different things! My wife and I will often make comments on people we find attractive, both men and women, and will either agree or disagree with each other's thoughts. We are not threatened by these thoughts because we are confident in our relationship and our committment to each other. Neither of us would ever consider ACTING on those urges or attraction to other people, but we feel it is healthy to share those thoughts when we have them.
However, I am sure that my wife has sexual thoughts about other men and does not tell me, just as I have sexual thoughts about other women and do not tell her. But that is our right as an individual...we can think about whatever we want as long as we know it is just a fantasy or a memory and that it could never harm or destroy what we have as a couple.
So I say - look, think and enjoy!
I don't think there is such a thing as a "prime" time for sex though. I've experienced many "prime times" in my life so far. And I don't think we ever stop being attracted to other people either....we just make a conscious choice to be with one partner.
However, that being said, attraction is NOT desire either. I have no desire to have sex with just any attractive man, other than my DH. Because I know that in the end, it wouldn't be very satisfying anyway. And I wouldn't want a lifetime of regrets for a few seconds of illicit excitement.
No, I think we ALWAYS desire sex but it just takes on a different role and level of priority at various times in one's life.
Edited 6/14/2006 12:59 pm ET by katmandoo2001
I have always found other people attractive, but I didn't go as far as to "desire" to have sex with all of them or even fantasize about them. There are only a few people in real life and in not so real life that I have actually desired to have sex with and fantasized about in my 48 years on this earth (I was always very picky or what I find attractive is very unique). I have also fantasized about faceless (and some not) people in porn (some favorites have stuck with me for years). For the most part though, I just do not have the desire to have sex with anyone else but my husband. I have always been extremely attracted to him and as a result the sex has always been incredible and has just gotten more fine-tuned over the years (with the attraction still going strong). Usually when I see an attractive man, I do wonder what he looks like naked, and I do wonder what he would be like in bed, but that may be it. As I said, very few men have ever made it to into my fantasies....(probably more "fictional" men have (characters in books) than men in real life.
I have never fantasized about another man while having sex with another man. I have never felt the need to, because I'm totally turned on by the man I'm with - his very essence fuels my arousal. I take all of him in when I'm having sex with him. I could not even be the littlest bit aroused or even thinking about sex, and boom! just like that the thought of him, the sight of him, the smell, touch, or sound of him can excite me in less than a minute. No other person has ever had that kind of power over me. Everyone trumps him. He even for the most part, is the object of my sexual fantasies during masturbation. There's just no escaping him. There's just never been another man who I ever met who I could say has the same level of effect on me. I'm still waiting though.... ;-)
We do discuss who is attractive and who is not in a nonchalant manner. I do not have any issues with him finding other people attractive or even fantasizing about them (although during sex I'd prefer not). But for the most part, we have never ogled other people in front of each other.
I think that the **issue** with people having thoughts about having sex with others, is because people who have affairs(what percentage of couples cheat?) most likely started out that way too - innocent sexual attraction. Just yesterday, my good friend forwarded an email to me so that I could print it (she just bought a brand new computer, and hadn't purchased a new printer yet). It was an email from a woman to my friend's husband. It was all about the sex they had had the prior day. She spent a few hours and $675 in a lawyer's office today - all because of two people who had "thoughts" of having sex with each other. ;-)
Pages