Threesome
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Threesome
| Tue, 06-01-2004 - 11:05am |
Hubby and I had a threesome(our fourth) with a man a month ago who was incredible in bed, and who was well equipped. Unlike all of the other threesomes(two were FMF), he is a man that my husband works with. We socialize with him often, and he's unattached(has been for almost two years), and he's sexy as all hell! I find myself thinking and fantasizing about him all of the time, wanting to have more sex with him, and I believe that I'm emotionally involved to some extent. He was over yesterday for the holiday, and at one point he looked at me and said we have to "get together" real soon, and then he winked. Has anyone else ever gotten so attached over the third-person in a threesome? If so, how did you proceed?

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In some posts you say your hubby is very satisfying, but in other posts you say sex with hubby alone
You said in a previous post when I asked you if you told your husband how much you are excited by this man and want sex with him more often, you said no, you didn't tell him because you don't want to hurt him.
It seems your very first mistake was having a threesome with a friend of your husband's or someone you will confront regularly. Personally, I would love for my wife to feel confident about herself to have threesome with another man or woman - or me, for that matter, but that's a whole 'nother story. If you choose to have sex-only threesome relationship, it should be kept entirely platonic, if at all possible - and especially away from your home and your daily life. For example, what happens if your hubby's friend comes over when he's not around and one of your kids walks in, discovering him leering at you (or vice versa) or overhearing your discussions about your mutual feelings? That could be disastrous! Not just for you, but your kids, your husband... your whole future. You should use a motel, swing club, camping trip, whatever to have your fantasies/desires fulfilled, but once you open your home, you open a huge can of worms. However, if you choose to use your home as your chosen place of sexual bliss with outsiders, you will need to screen them, not give out your home phone number, work places, etc. - instead use voice mail, a cell phone and keep it on a "we'll call you" basis to avoid any untimely embarassments. Make sure you do not discuss your children (especially their names) in detail, your bills and other personal info are safely put away and lock all doors to rooms not being "used" bi the three of you. In other words, be discreet and take as many precautions possible to keep your family and your private secret life separate. Keep family, work and friends out of your sexual "adventures."
Speaking of adventures... you are NOT having a threesome if your spouse watches you while you are having sex with another man or woman - you are being an exhibtionist for your spouse's voyeuristic pleasures. A TRUE threesome involves one's simultaneous sexual contact with both partners or even mutual contact between all partners (if they lack bi inhibitions) and pre-set rules of what is/isn't allowable prior to bedding down.
If you do not set rules, feelings could be hurt on all sides. For example, if me and my wife had gone through with our threesomes we planned before her recent sudden lack of sexual libido... with another woman (FMF), the rule would be no vaginal penetration of our guest by me as well as no reciprocation (wife is not bi) from her unless she herself implemented it, but she would passively accept physical stimulation from another female and take it from there. If it were between two of us and another man (MMF), we set the rules that he could not penetrate her vaginally (unless she and I both agreed) and any contact between he and I (I am bi-curious) would have to be mutually acceptable and safe. I personally feel that sexual threesomes with inhibitions/barriers between all partners touching is really unnecessary and pointless, so I have no problems being touched bi another guy as long as both she and I felt comfortable with him.
We explored soft swing (sex between partners without outside touching in front of others) at swing clubs, checked out ads and she even screened men she met in public upon occasion, but we never did have our threesomes, although we came very close to going through with it. She even had a telephone code for when she found the right guest... "honey, go take a shower." Three kids, work, responsibilities, her weight gain (depleted her self confidence) and a number of other complications (including an unfortunate upgrading to a huge bed) shot down our sex life and kept our fantasies from becoming realities. However, I am planning a set-up for her in the future to help her get her confidence back, but that is a whole 'nother story. We have been virtually sexless for over a year, other than an ovulation-time "act of desparation" fling, as she put it. Several months back, my wife gave me my "walking papers" to safely explore my "curiosities" or sexually fufill myself with other women/men/couples without her. Oh boy... gee, that sounds fun, huh? I'd much rather have a loving relationship with my wife, thanks. She said she has no attraction for me or sex of any type now and refuses counselling or treatment. In our relationship, a threesome could only help as there is little chance of any type of spark, otherwise. There is no romance here at all... she killed it.
Now, you say you have romance with your hubby, but you are emotionally drawn to this friend of his you had sex with and that the experience "dwarfed" the sex you have with your husband. You have a huge (no pun intended) problem here... this guy was at your house, putting moves on you, unbeknownst to your husband - and it turned you on. That is deceptive, especially if you do not reveal the feelings you have for Dr. Wonderful to your husband. In marriage, that is not an option - it is an obligation.
You have choices to make... do you want a real, loving, committed, bonded, sexually fulfilling relationship with your husband or do you want to open all boundaries for the both of you? Once you do, you can pretty much assure yourself of never having that same type of loving intimacy and trust you both theoretically share. The percentage of couples who openly swing without each other behind each others' backs that have a successful marital relationship is something like less than five percent. You can still have your threesomes and your hubby, too, as long as you do not get attached and keep it platonic. The only problem is when "spicing up" your sex life with toys, clothing, etc. - you are using inanimate objects, but when having threesomes, foursomes or moresomes, you are USING real people with SOULS for mutual sexual satisfaction.
Group sex actually is a selfish act, when you think about it - you are admitting to your partner that they are just not enough to fulfill your selfish desires. There are bound to be further complications in this chosen lifestyle and you will have to openly confront those with each other honestly, straight-forward, not holding back to spare each others' feelings. If you don't, then you are defeating the whole purpose of staying married. You need to tell your husband that you are attracted to his friend and that you have a great deal of physical attraction or "like" for this guy, but that in no way demeans your feelings of deep love you have for him and reassure him that it is only physical and "just sex." "Just sex" are famous last words of many doomed couples, FYI.
You need to make a judgment as to whether to continue following this path with your husband's friend or to "pull out" while you still can, starting over from ground zero. Again, should you both choose to swing, then lay out all the ground rules and by all means, keep it platonic and away from your everyday life, especially your precious family. I challenge you to openly, honestly confront these feelings in a face-to-face conversation with your husband, prefacing it with your your love and commitment to him, first and foremost. Your expressed guilt bringing up this matter here tells me you are rationalizing these fellings with yourself, but leaving DH out of the loop to "spare his feelings." Remember, guilt kills realtionships - honesty does the opposite.
I wish you both the best.
Ted in AZ
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