threesome/foursome problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
threesome/foursome problem
7
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 1:44pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. We are both juniors in college and we have our own apartment together. He is a very experienced man sexually and I have only been with a couple of people before him. Over the past year I have become more and more comfortable with him and feel like I can really open up to our sex life. We do, I'm sure, what most couples do, we watch porno's together, we've had sex in public places, bought a vibrator, etc.. About 6 months ago he brought up threesomes and foursomes, and my initial thought was shocking, I hadn't had much experience so I didn't really know about these things. I had heard of them but definitley never really experienced them. I always thought of it as being something you would do for fun if you were single. But the thought of doing it now when I'm in a relationship and especially because I am in love with him, scares me. I think I am a pretty open minded person and I really try to be for him about everything. A few months back we had a threesome with a guy we both knew and it wasn't that big of a deal but it didn't do anything for me and I really only did it for him. Since then he brings it up all the time, how he wants to try it with another girl and he wants to meet another couple. I don't feel comfortable with it, I'm not a jealous person but I love him so much and the thought of him having sex with another girl kills me. I've told him time and time again that I don't think I can do it and of course we argue, sometimes break up and then he'll say "well I'd rather be with you, then do it." It will be dropped for awhile and then it will come back up again. The other night we got in a fight, not about that but of course it got brought into it and he said that he's bored sexually and needs this to make him happy. I'm so sick of fighting about it and feeling the way that I do. We talk about marriage and we live together now and the thought of not being with him hurts alot but I know that I just can't do this. I told him that I want to make him happy but that I couldn't do something that would make me unhappy. We are going in circles though because we both want to be with each other and our fights usually come down to one of us giving in. Either he'll say we don't have to do it or I will say I will try it. I can talk about it with him but when it actually comes down to it, I don't think I could do it. I want to be with him but I don't know what to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 2:09pm

I don't know what to tell you to do except what you've already been doing, which is expressing your displeasure at the prospect of multiple sex partners. If you're vacillating, however, it's always going to leave the door open for him to suggest it. Just as if he's vacillating it's always going to leave the door open for you to reject it.

It would be easy to say just make a decision and stick to your guns, but perhaps you haven't made a final decision as to where you actually stand with this behavior? You sound clear-minded one minute, but then the next you're leaving open the possibility for it. Sometimes it takes time to decide where you're ultimately at with this sort of thing.

You would know best.

What I do see is a volatile relationship, regardless of the sex issue, and maybe that's something that is bothering you as much, if not more than this aspect of your sex life?

Good luck,

E

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 4:27pm

He's bored sexually? That's what's called a "RED FLAG". If he's bored with sex with you, then he's more interested in the sex than in you and your feelings.

If a guy told me I bored him sexually, I'd show him the door and tell him to look for someone more exciting!

You don't want to do this, and the only reason you WOULD do it would be to hold onto him....and if he cared at all about you and your feelings, he wouldn't ask you to do it. He's not worth trying to hold onto in that way. If you start it, it will never stop. If he's "bored" after one year, what will he be after 5 years or 10 years. This guy has different morals and values than you do.....let him go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 5:51pm

I absolutely agree 100% with dakine. If the thought of it makes you uncomofortable, then it's not right for you. Amd quite frankly, it's very insensitive of him to continue bringing this up if you've told him you'd be jealous and hurt. Why would a guy who loves you and cares about you ask you to go through with something that he knows could hurt your feelings that way? Stick to your guns on this one. If you lose him because of an issue like this, then you're better off without him anyway. There are men out there who would love you and care about you enough never to want to hurt you like this. Why make yourself go through this to keep a guy who doesn't even feel that way about you?

And chances are that if thinking about this makes you this uncomfortable, then actually going through with it will cause you more stress than any relationship could endure anyway. That means it that if you DO go through with it, it will most likely cause the relationship to break up anyway. You may as well refuse him and at least if he breaks up with you because of that, then you will be leaving with your dignity in tact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 10:27pm
My ex was the same way. That is why he is my ex!!! He wasn't going to change, nor was I.. You have to stay true to your self, never do something that can harm you. My ex is now with a gal who is ok with threesomes. Don't do something you will regret,It's not worth it.
Chelle
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 02-05-2006 - 10:07pm

>>I always thought of it as being something you would do for fun if you were single. <<

Well, there are a lot of couples that do then but they really aren't "common" as far as I can tell. Most people are like you - the idea might be interesting and it can be intriguing but the reality is not something that most people want to try. All sorts of problems can occur. You are just finding out what a couple of those problems are.

To cut a long story short, if this guy REALLY respected you and loved you with all his heart he wouldn't be putting you into this position and getting you to do stuff that you don't want to do. He is prepared to risk breaking up with you because you don't want group sex. Think about that for a moment. What does that say about what he wants? What does it say about how much he respects and loves you? He's prepared to risk loosing you *permanently* just because you won't screw other people!

The problems that you have with this relationship are not just about threesomes. He doesn't respect you enough to really value your opinion and your feelings. Heck, you even *tried* a threesome to keep him happy and you still didn't like it and he still won't respect your wishes. Threesomes aside, you will have problems with this guy in the future with all sorts of different things.

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-05-2006 - 10:46pm
After reading your post, I am left with the feeling that your BF wants things on his terms only. Stick to your guns and don't be pressured in doing anything that you don't want to do. I would say that if he continues pressuring you to have three-somes or four-somes, you should reconsider whether this is the guy for you. Marry him and I assure you that you will end up in an unhappy state. You two have very different core values and temperments, so you should start to assess whether this is the way you want to spend your life. Good Luck.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 10:43am

If being with him means doing everything he wants, then maybe he's not the right guy for you.

IF he loves you, then he wouldn't want you to do anything that will compromise your standards & beliefs or that makes you feel uncomfortable.

You've just built enough trust to be more open sexually, now he wants to bring more strangers into the mix? I would have to wonder about that. Sound as if he wants "payback" for the MFM threesome.

You should NEVER do anything you don't want to do for your partner. It only leads to resentment and anger later on. Just tell him no and drop it.

If he continues bringing it up and trying to strongarm or guilt you into it, then you may have a decision to make regarding your relationship.