too hard, not hard enough etc...???????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
too hard, not hard enough etc...???????
12
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 2:11pm

Hi guys.

I'm having a little prob. My bf either cums REALLY fast or he can't get hard enough so we can actually have sex. It's either he's way too hard and he hurts me or he's too soft and it's just really frustrating. I see the frustration in his face and I don't know what to do. I'm not one of those going down people, I don't know why but I'm just not. Him going down on me or me going on him...it's just not happening anytime soon. I'm not sure what else to do, I feel really bad.

Granted, he's under a lot of stress with exams and stuff which could attribute to his lack of control. He can control his muscles, he holds back or just goes a lot slower when he feels he's about to cum but to just get to that point is really hard. The first time today we tried having sex, he finished really quick, the second time he wasn't hard enough and the third time was just right lol. I don't want this to kill his ego though. Anybody have experience with this stuff?? :(

I love him, I don't want him to be so frustrated. (He was like "OMG I'm gonna slap it")lmao awwwwww

pls help

thanks
ash

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 2:42pm

Have you tried manual stimulation? If not, that should work to get him erect the second time around.

I understand that oral sex doesn't appeal to you nor him, but you really should consider exploring. The reasons are not ONLY for the new sensations themselves(mouth on genital), but your other senses also become AWARE. You become visually stimulated by seeing how his penis reacts to YOUR lips and tonue, and vice-verse. You will eventually associate a new sensation when thinking about him giving you oral, or you giving it to him. Same with manual, same with anal stimuli, same with kissing, same with ANY sexual act. It becomes an association of the senses. If I feel his erection or see it, my SENSES are reawakened.....taste, touch, scent, sight, and oddly enough, even hearing(I can associate the sound of him orgasming). The more pleasure you give one another, the more you will long for more pleasure, and stay connected. That's been my experience anyhow. Everything we do in life is a memory...take a two steps forwards and you created a memory. Keep your natural senses awake and alive by making lots of memories. Have you tried oral or manual yet? How'd it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 2:51pm
We've done manual. It's always worked but I don't know why, I'm just uncomfortable with the idea of the whole going down thing. I want to but I don't..it's weird. Unless you know the feeling, I understand you'll just be saying to yourself "But does she not realizing how good it is?" ...good or not I'm weirded out by it. Today when he was too soft I did the whole playing with his balls business but it didnt work, he was really frustrated. Later on he just started grabbing me and kissing me and I knew he knew when the feeling would come back so I was like whatever. I donno :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 3:08pm

Why don't you make sure that you orgasm before him or don't move on to intercourse until you're absolutely close to orgasm yourself? Other than that, he's not really in too much control of his orgasm, just as you aren't. We sometimes think we can control it, and we do sometimes, but if the arousal is way up there, teetering on the edge, it can happen unexpectedly. He doesn't know what's going on with your body, so you have to take responsibility for your own orgasm. I didn't know what lengthy intercourse was until many years after I began having it. Sex can be unpredictable because arousal is different each time. Find out what your own body needs, then between the two of you, accomplish it. If you have to stimulate yourself to time your orgasm with his, then do it, just do whatever makes you feel satisfied. Intercourse is only part of the package. If it fails, you always have manual. Work with it, not against it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 3:29pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 4:52pm
You did it 3 time today and you realize he is under stress with exams and stuff? What do you want out of the poor guy? Thre times a day is rough even if your not under stress. Give him a break.

Jim
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 6:37pm

From what you're saying, you've only had sex a couple of times, haven't you?

Guys usually cum fast the first few times with a partner. It's a combination of the excitement of being with a new partner and the lack of sex that they've had lately and nervousness. Don't worry, after a short period of time he will be able to control himself just fine and last longer. Don't make a big deal about it. The control will come with time.

The inability to get hard enough could be nervousness and or embarrassment because it wasn't getting as hard as he'd like it, but is most likely because he had just recently cum. It's very common for the second erection to be softer than the first in a session of sex.

He's too hard and it hurts? I'd say that you should ensure that you are very well lubricated and aroused before having him penetrate you. Try lots of foreplay before intercourse and take things slowly and gently to begin with. If you aren't ready and relaxed and lubricated, it's gonna hurt pushing that thing in. You may be having trouble relaxing enough to get very aroused yourself because it's all new to you too.

Be aware that this can become a vicious cycle. If you make a big deal out of his lack of control, or his level of hardness, he will feel under pressure to perform just right next time. The stress of that will virtually ensure that he can't perform next either. And it goes around in a vicous cycle again. Jsut don't make a big deal over it if things don't go right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 9:48pm
Ash, I'm putting in some links to your recent posts so that others can get a clearer view of your problems.

"What should I dooooo?" http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlletstalkab/?msg=15674.1

"Glad I didn't yell ouch" http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&msg=15687.1

"how can I help him?" http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&msg=15688.1

In all of these posts, you have issues with lack of foreplay and body image. I told you in those posts and I'll tell you again: These issues you are having will adversely effect his sexual response. Men need visual stimulation. Many men get aroused by giving oral (if not receiving it). Men get turned on by both giving and receiving foreplay and lots of it. Men can't have have sex 3 times in 5 hours and still be hard like the first time.

Since you posted these previous issues, what advice have you taken on board? And what difference has it made?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 2:05am
I didn't initiate it at all. He did all three times. And even afterwards too, but I had to leave.

lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 2:22am
well I'll say one thing...people are comfortable with things and some aren't..ever completely comfortable. Those ppl arent tight or anything they are driven by instinct in a different way that people who aren't tight, are. I'm very aware of my issues lol

I'm not completely open about sex yet but I'm learning and the only way to learn is to experince, no? I'll attribute my issues with it to the way I was brought up with the notion of sex and intamacy. If my boyfriend wants a blowjob and I don't feel comfortable, there's no way I'm doing it because he "needs" it. If he "needs" something that I'm not comfortable with doing at this point, he wouldn't still be with me. My boyfriend hasn't asked me to do anything, as a matter of fact he's left it up to me and also mentioned that whatever I want to do, and whatever I don't, he's happy with because SEX isn't the root of our connection. And honestly, I'm not here to necessarily TAKE advice, none of us here are. I'm here asking questions to hear opinions. So thanks for your opinion and I hope to hear more along the way.



I'm not trying to get worked up, I'm just saying that these are questions that I have because I AM INEXPERIENCED. And you know, you're right, foreplay is important but for now..these are my probs and we're all here to complain, exclaim our happiness, cry, etc. so thanks a bunch!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 10:32am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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