Too many partners?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Too many partners?
126
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 10:41am
Howdy. I'm so mad. Last night my bf of almost 2 mos. broke up with me. We were discussing exclusivity and he asked me how many people I had sex with. I told him 19. He said it won't work, and left. He's only been with 2 partners. How can he be jealous, that was my past.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 12:56am
Wow, for a sex board we do have a lot of prudes.

I posted this on another board, and this applies to you as well...

I actually prefer a woman with a past for many reasons:

- That curiosity about how other men might feel is somewhat quenched.

- She will probably have a good sense of c*ck. A less experienced woman would probably have no sense of c*ck whatsoever. (I do love that line from the movie... it's true!)

- If and when she compliments me, I know it's legit as opposed to imagined.

- I know she's not "settling for me" merely because she can't have anyone else.

- She knows herself more and will probably be better at communicating what she wants.

- A woman with a history probably has a history for a good reason... I aim to find that reason.

That's not to say a virgin is that much less appealing, just more confused and immature.

Hope that helped,

Mutt (who's happily married to a beautiful and wonderfully experienced woman)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 9:45am
I thinks it reflects a guys attitude about life and love. I wanted to find my true love and for her to be my first and only. When I found her, I found out I was not her first and only. I loved her anyway and we got married and still are. It bothers me sometimes, but I had to accept her as a package. I think though it is important for people to generally match up with people that have about have the same sexual history. That way they proably have the same value systems. A woman how has been with 20 plus guys needs to find a player. I don't know of many men that want to be taught about sex, and fall in love with, a well experienced woman. You know you are nothing special just one of the crowd.
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 11:45am
Why would you "know you are nothing special just one of the crowd" if she's experienced and still picks you? Wouldn't that mean you are special and different than the rest of the guys she didn't pick to be in a relationship with?

I'm much more selective about who I give my heart to than who I have sex with. Maybe in an ideal world those are always joined, but that hasn't been my experience.

Most people ask about the numbers and I am pretty honest about it. It hasn't really been an issue for me even with those that have had only a few partners. I think most people generally see past the number if there is something of substance between the two of you.

I do think it also depends on the age and in how many years you acquired the number. For me if you got to 20 in a year, I would wonder about underlying issues, but if it's a decade that seems relatively reasonable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 12:13pm
The problem with lieing, no matter how small in an LTR is that the truth always seems to find a way of coming out. I did, and my SO did to me. Both sides came out, and the damage they did was huge!!!!! We are still working on recovering. It has been two monthes, and still we are are shaking from the truth. Especially since the lies were something so sensative from the beginning.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 1:07pm
Oh my goodness. I disagree with you Tish.

You can just tell them you have had past partners and they were your past and the # just doesn't matter.

The number does matter to a degree. It just magnifies the risk. Especially if you are trying to get into a monogomous LTR with someone and moving to unprotected sex. There past plays a lot into the relationship and into the sex life. Not telling the partner can be even more detrimental than telling them. I know I would want to know, and if MY SO hadn't told me right from the get go, I would probably be single right now, without any children. I think it is wrong to keep things like that, especially if asked directly. I have told my SO my number, and she has told me hers. Sometimes it is hard to accept our past, or our SO's past for the past, but we either do it, or we walk. It is a fact of life that not everyone wants to be with someone who has a lot more experience then they do. Some of us like to be more equal, or even better under experienced all the way around, so we can learn from our partners, and not have to wonder if they are doing it as well, or if he/she is thinking about one of the past lovers while he/she is doing something. None of my business??? Not at all??? I would highly disagree. It is my business, just as mine is theres.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 1:21pm
Very well put Mutt. I agree whole heartedly. But at the same time I also think It can bring up many sore points too. I never want to know there are better, bigger, or more experienced guys in my SO's past. I never want to know she conciders any of them to be good lovers anymore. I don't want to feel like I am not enough for her, because she still thinks about those ex lovers either. I would prefer a virgin over an experienced women, but then again, I would have to say that experience is good too. Not knowing the numbers, thats fine, but never ever lie about it, or make it seem like you are hiding it. If asked, just answer, and let them deal with it the way they will anyway. I asked, and she told me. Some of what she told me was completely out of bounds, but I asked the question, so what did I expect??? Take the punches, and roll on is what I try to do in life, but sometimes those punches can floor you, and you need a little time to sort it out. I think a lot of good comments have been made in this thread, so I hope that some of it has actually helped the OP to understand, and while not changing her responce to suit the person, can relate it better to them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 2:21pm

Why would it matter if you had 3, 10 or more partners in the past.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 2:39pm
I think I understand where you are coming from. I still feel that for a relationship to work the numbers have to fit in your comfort zone. What people do reflects their values and when you pick a pardner/SO that persons values are important. In hetrosexual sex it takes both a male and female so its not that fact that is so important as the distribution. A poster on one of these boards was talking about numbers and said that a girlfriend at the time was in a playful mood at his faturnity house and did 25 guys in a row. She said she could have done more if she had gotten a earlier start. This is 25 guys having sex one time and one girl having sex 25 times. This is a number no male on the planet could ever match. When it comes to numbers most males are just out of the game compared to a sexually active female. In order for a match to work a person just has to have peace with a pardner who's history is out of their value system.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 3:02pm
He's just being stupid in my opinion, you're right, your past is your past. At least thats how I feel about it too... and yes, I'm aware that many people wouldn't agree. I guess he'd have preferred you lie to him???


I avoid answering that question at all costs. If I am directly asked my answer is usually a sarcastic "somewhere between 1 and 1000, what difference does it make?"

I don't think I've ever in my 35 years answered that question with an actual number yet, and I don't ever intend to! :P

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 3:02pm
It may be just me, but I don't see how a guy could line up with 24 other guys do do some chick in a fraterity house. To me, a guy who had been with 25 women over the course of his sex life is way more appealing than a guy who had only had a few partners but particiapted in an act like that.

Leticia

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