Too many partners?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Too many partners?
126
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 10:41am
Howdy. I'm so mad. Last night my bf of almost 2 mos. broke up with me. We were discussing exclusivity and he asked me how many people I had sex with. I told him 19. He said it won't work, and left. He's only been with 2 partners. How can he be jealous, that was my past.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:49pm
Yes, Taoist, the third person is pretty casual. And it is not casual sex I have a problem with. It is casual sex to such an excess I have a problem with. I have not had many casual partners. No one night stands. Every one of the women I have been with I felt something for, whether it be close frioends, girlfriends, wives, or otherwise. Only a few were casual. Of those few, two were paid for. Both were not even close to worth it. LOL What I was trying to get across was that while I do find sex special (with my SO) casual sex in and of itself isn't bad. I just don't want to be with someone who has engaged in casual sex for the majority of there sexual history. I would not be with someone who has had casual sex with a multitude of men. It just doesn't sit right to me. I am not against casual sex, as I have done it myself, and I do it in threesomes. Threesomes are still special between my SO and I. The other person is only there it add to the session. Not to detract from it. And they don't. I can watch my SO have casual sex with this person, and not think anything of it, because it is not her heart I am worried about, it is her pleasure. If she is enjoying it fully, so am I. Sex with her is incredibly special. Like nothing I have ever felt before. And sex with her and another is just a different feeling, along the same lines. Anytime I am inside her, it is special. If she had been with to many casual partners, we would not be together, for that reason alone if needed, but she had not. I am opening her eyes to the greater joys of sex, not just threesomes. Threesomes are fun, but they are still special, between us. It is something we are sharing with each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 3:52pm

Jeep,


As a rape survivor myself (2 guys, 6 hours, virgin at the time), I can understand how you had a difficult time.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 9:27am
I am very sorry to hear about your experience Tish. I did deal with my ex and her Rape issues. After we got together the second time she told me, and I realized a lot of what had happened to her, not only the rape, but also childhood abuse. She was seriously screwed up for a long time. Manic Depression had set in when she hit puberty, and that only compounded the problem. In hind sight (being 20/20 like it is) I should have turned and ran, never looking back, but being the knight in shining armor that I was(what a joke) I had to try. So, I stuck it out for 7 years total. 3 before we married, and 4 afterwards. It was not until after our marraige that she told me about her other experiences. And yes, unfortunately she did turn herself into pretty much a whore. Slept with whoever would make her feel good that day. That is when I realized I could not take it. To late, I know. I really do hope that she has found happiness and peace now, but I am glad to be rid of her and the problems she caused/had/dealt with. It killed me sometimes. I would wake up in the middle of the night, just soon enough to realize I was being kicked out of bed, literally. She would put both feet firmly in my back, and stretch out, pushing me off the bed. Everyonce in a while she would have an F/B and it would be during our session. I would get scratched, bitten, beat on, slapped, etc. I understood, and just like your DH I would stop immediatly and let her go. Sometimes I would curl up and hold her, sometimes I would get up and leave. It all depended on how fast she snapped back. Then there were the worst of times. Times when she would fly into a blind rage, and come at me fist''s flying. All I could do was wrap my arms around her and hold on till she started crying, and then sit down on the floor and hold her. It was absolute horror many times. Her personality was almost split, and I say that because of the Manic Depression. She had no control when she was not on medication,, and some of the meds they gave her were so strong they would turn her into a zombie in the morning. Take a pill, 30 minutes later she was out like a light, but in the morning, look out. She was horrid mood, groogy to the point of not walking at times. She went off her meds at 22, just before she left. She had calmed down quite a bit, but still had no control over her temper. My SO says I have a bad temper, well, honey, you never seen a temper till you seen hers. I had flower pots, pans, plates, shoes, boxes, anything she could grab thrown at me for doing absolutely nothing accept saying had a good day? and using a tone. We did have a lot of fun times, don't get me wrong. She was almost worth all the trouble at times, but most of the time it was just business as usual. I was coming and going in the Navy. Getting deployed almost weekly to go somewhere else, with some one else, and had only a few days at times between. It was hell on me, hell on her, and hell on everyone around her. She finally left in January of 2000. I was shocked, angry, hurt, and betrayed when she left. She took every dime we had, most of which was to pay off a governement travel card, and drove my car across the country, filed a chapter 7 when she got there, and self repoed my vehicle. Dumped 130,000 dollars in debt on my head, and laughed. I could really care less about this woman anymore, accept to say that I do hope she has found something in her life that has meaning, and has been able to make a better, happier, healthier life for herself. That is my story, and I hope it isn't taken to hard by many of you, but she had major issues, and I was not the one to help handle them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 11:02am
quick question jeep...you say you were sickened to imagine your x-wife was a "sextoy" to her casual flings, isn't your current girlfriend a "sex toy" to others during threesomes?...you say you don't want to love a woman who treats sex so casually and has numerous non-emotional encounters just for the fun of sex, and yet you are in love with a woman who enjoys having 3somes obviously for the fun of sex....you say you do not look favorably at women who toss themselves around that way, and than you also say its cool if you and your SO have 3somes with 100 people...isn't that tossing oneself around for sex?...also, when you have a 3some with another man, does your girlfriend get to pick the guy or does she have sex with anyone you choose?...is she willing to let a man touch her even if she doesn't pick him herself?....my husband and i experimented with 3somes and so i'm not being judgemental, its just odd that you have such a sour taste in your mouth for women who enjoy sex for fun and than on the other hand you enjoy your girlfriend having sex for fun during 3somes...it doesn't add up to me :)

honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 11:50am

I think you're right that I did think fling/fwb. And well, I still stand on my point though. There are MANY women who can have an O during a fling/fwb/str/ltr. I know I'm one. But then again, I also know I'm not "normal" in the sense of the word. I'm not saying all women, or 90%, but I do know a handful that can O with any man, just cuz it's really easy for them.


BUT, I do know that there are women (and men), who only have sex when in love, who only can truly open up when in a committed relationship. And I do konw that I break all the rules when it comes to "sex and assumptions" in the sense of what women can and cannot do. I don't mean physically per se, but more emotionally. My most intense O's came from a man who was a FWB. And yes, the first encounter was more of a one-nighter and it was the MOST intense and the best since. That's why I had him stick aorund in my life. I wanted more. lol


As for STR/LTR. I guess that depends on how you define them and at what point is a STR a LTR? One year? Two years? Three years? 5 or more years? If you tell me your idea of LTR, I can tell you if I've been in one. Until then, I have no idea what LTR means in YOUR terms. I think our terms all differ some, so it's hard to talk specifics about them.


"I think it says a lot more about their ability to committ than it does about their sexual tendencies. I would tend to be more wary of someone who goes through 2-3 BFs/GFs a year for an extended period than maybe someone who had a few quick flings and then 1 or 2 LTRs that lasted years. "


I'm not sure. only because I am the type that has had a lot of bf's over my lifetime...but I don't think I have a fear of committment, but then again I COULD be kidding myself. Not sure. But I would agree to a point. Because, I know a few ppl who've had LTR's that were 5+ years, and never married ONE of the women. To ME, that would show me more of a committment problem. Because I would sit there and say, why was this person with someone for 5+years and never marry them? What was the problem? why would they stay with someone they didn't want to marry. I don't get it.


But, for myself. I don't get too emotional during sex. And I about almost died of laughter when my xh said he was so in love with me while making love, he wanted to cry. Me and my bf are more of a match, in that we love sex for the act, not for actual lovemaking and emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 12:06pm

It's a statistic? I apologize then. I didn't realize it was literally a statistic. That's depressing. No wonder so many women on the Div boards have been cheated on. Jeez. What is this world coming too?


I still refuse to live my life though, assuming my H will cheat. So, seeing as how I've had 2 marriages, one cheated, that most likely the next one will too. so sad. So VERY sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 12:16pm
Well honey, there is a big difference between threesomes with me, and promiscuity before me. That difference is you are with me when we are doing it, not just going out doing what you want with whoever. I am in a lot more control that way. Yes, we both pick our additions, whether they be male or female. I find, and accept the men, then tell her, she approves, it's all good, she doesn't, well, sorry dude. She picks the women, I approve, all good, I don't approve, sorry ma'am. So, for the sake of arguement, I would have to say the main difference is we are together for the threesomes, so it is way different. My ex wife was very similar to some of the women on here who wrote long posts regarding there past experience of degredation, and depraved sex acts being done to them. She was really very agreeable to almost everything, and now I understand a little more as to why, but then I didn't, and yes, it turned my stomach. She would sleep with whoever offered, basically, and didn't think twice about it. I am so lucky I did not contract any diseases from her, as protection was the pill for her. I did not know this until years after we started our relationship, and long after we stopped using condoms. Immediately after our discussion I went down and got tested, and she got tested. I found out just recently that she now has an STD, but thankfully, I am still clean as I have not slept with her in four years. My current SO is clean. She was married for 17 years, and all though she did have casual sex after her marriage fell apart, it was only a few guys, and she was smart with most of them. Only two did she not use condoms with, and that made me sick as well, but I have listened to her, talked to her about it, and we have both been checked several times. Once for each pregnancy, and once on my own. But back to your questions.

My current SO is not a sex toy to me. The additions we make are sex toys for us, there is a difference there.

Having a threesome is not tossing yourself around for sex, it is enjoying sex with your partner, and just including a toy!!!

Most what I am talking about when I say I don't want a women who is capable of having casual sex with anyone is before we are together. Once we are together, I expect her to be faithful to me in everyway, unless it is a threesome, and then I am there, so she is still pretty much being faithful. If I know it is happening, and I am there, I do not concider that cheating, in any way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 12:25pm

Um. Okay. To be honest. I think the only reason I have an "issue" with it is because ppl like you look down on ppl like me and the issue there is that I hate to be looked down upon for a lifestyle choice. But alas, your opinion shouldn't matter.


One thing. I do believe and KNOW there is a HUGE difference between makeing love of having sex (I wanted to use the other word, but I'd rather not get booted). I enjoy both to the extreme. Just because I enjoy casual sex, doesn't for one moment mean that sex with my bf doesn't mean anything. I am in love with him. I love him and love sex with him. I love to just get down and dirty and screw his brains out. And I love having intimate loving sexual moments with him too. I wouldn't be able to be with a man who felt that lovemaking included LOVE EACH AND EVERY TIME. It woudl bore me.


So, yes. There's a reason why ppl like you and ppl like me would never be together. We have different values. My bf may not have had casual sex, but sex to him isn't 99% intimate. It's more about pleasure, enjoying it with someone, and being with someone. I know I'm special to him. He doesn't need to show me in a lovey dovey way during sex for me to know that. Tish said it perfectly. Feeling special and loved comes from inside of you. No one should have to MAKE you feel anyway at all. Which includes love, happiness, or secure.


Shall we agree to disagree? There's no point in arguing, because I enjoy sex for the act it is, NOT (always) because of whom I'm with. But having sex does mean a lot more to me when I am with someone I love, versus just some guy.


-T


Oh, and the reason I'm taking this somewhat personally. By your own words, you have stated quite

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 12:37pm

Tx,


HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You are a hoot! I still have my beloved Dr. Seuss watch that my folks gave me when I was a kid. When I worked at UPS, I hated wearing my "nice" watches, so my friend bought me a Taz watch, wore it everyday. lol. I love being a kid. But I know when I should be grown up. But it's fun =) Life has to be fun. Otherwise, what's the point of living?


Yes, I love sex. And thankfully, I hope I'm easier to deal with than Miss Refrigerator. hehehe. That was funny. thanks for the laugh.


I am very committed. I know I play around when I'm single, but when I'm in a relationship, I am always honest, committed, willing to work on things, etc. Being single is when I'm just a total crazy person. lol. Sorta. I go out, have fun, do stupid things, have sex w/ppl, have a fwb, but overall, once committed, I am just that. And I NEVER mix the two. Like I would never have a relationship with a FWB, or start somethign seroius with a guy I met while out partying or something like that. I keep it separate, because I've learned. If you meet a guy under the wrong circumstances, he just assumes you're like that all the time, when in fact, you're not. I'm such a homebody and love being in a relationship because it's a nice "safe" feeling. But, I do need to let loose when I'm between men. Y'know. =)


And I am very compassionate about others. I like to know that I understand them, and that they understand me, even if it means agreeing to disagree. Like with Jeep, I understand him. I hope he's understanding me. We just have different values, and that is the reason we'd never be a match. But that's fine. He has someone who has his values, and I have a guy who has mine. But now I understand him and where he's coming from better. I like to understand how ppl think, when they think differently, like you, so I can learn and grow and be more conscientious about others feelings.


I'm glad I was able to help you understand something different. To me, that's all that matters, that you understand. You don't have to agree with me at all. =) And besides, you learned something. Therefore, it was a good day. hehehe.


Glad you DID find someone that matches you and meshes with you. I hate seeing the good guys getting walked all over cuz of a stupid woman. And then that lame woman breaks them into being wary. Bleah. =)


-T

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 12:39pm
O.K. Tigger. For one, I never said I looked down on anyone, all I said is I would never date them. That is all. I have several female friends just like you, but because of there choices, I choose not to even attempt to date them. And they don't want to date me, just have sex with me. Several have made attempts, but I have used every trick in the book to avoid having to tell them why. I will not do it. I don't look down on them, or think I am better than them. O.K. O.K. I will agree to disagree with you. LOL That always sounds so funny to say. LOL I know you have issues, from other posts you have chimed in on. You have said so yourself, and those issues make me think you have bigger issues, just as I have posted on those threads. But, as far as this issue is concerned, I am not hypocritical, I just wont date anyone like that. Our values and moral fibers are different. It is not a holier than thou, or I am better than you thing, it is a choice I make. I don't really care to just have sex with someone. I greatly prefer loving emotional sex. My SO and I are not all lovey dovey everytime we have sex. We are together, so yes, we let go, and just have sex. Grudge sex, make up sex, dirty sex, clean sex, vanilla sex, the whole slew of activities. But one thing remains the same. All these things are done for the first time, together, and not with some shmuck she picked up at a bar. We also partake fo threesomes, and those people are choosen very carefully, and we use much time and effort in finding the right people. It is not easy, and it is not often, but when we do, we tend to keep them around for a long time. If feelings develope anywhere between the other and one of use, we talk, and we tell them goodbye if needed. The fact of the matter is I would not date a person of your moral fiber. Strictly because I know the damage it causes to ME!!!!! Nothing else. I will be your best friend, or your worst enemy, but that is for you to decide. You being a generalization of all women who are looking for No strings sex, and not you personally.

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