Too many partners?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Too many partners?
126
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 10:41am
Howdy. I'm so mad. Last night my bf of almost 2 mos. broke up with me. We were discussing exclusivity and he asked me how many people I had sex with. I told him 19. He said it won't work, and left. He's only been with 2 partners. How can he be jealous, that was my past.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 9:08pm

I agree, more partners doesn't mean new experiences or learned lessons.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 10:32pm
Smiling, what an unexpected message.

Your gracious compliment is humbly accepted.

Your guess is close. I am the descendant of highland scots, men that wear skirts and no underwear inspite of the roughness of the wool,......lol. If you have a fondness for the Irish, perhaps you will have some knowledge of Highland men and their historical relationship with women?

My apologies to the board for being off topic.

Slainte,.......William John

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:01pm
Two guys where I work have unknowling, in the last few years, married women that were into casual sex. Their marriages lasted less than a year.

The first couple would go out and party like a lot of people do. The wife around 11:00 p.m. would encourage the husband to go home saying she would catch a ride home later. After he left she would leave with someone she met at the bar/party and go have sex for two to three hours and then get home around three. The guy was a little slow but when he finally caught on that was the end.

The second was petty bad to sneak out and leave him with her kids and met her lovers. She was also doing guys at her work. When she had gotten caught the second time doing a guy in the file room he finally gave up.

It is just so hard to believe any woman who can have sex so easly can ever be trusted, even if you can get over her history, and a relationship without trust is no relationship at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:46pm
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I have to disagree with you...first off...why do you say any woman and not any man??? Are you saying men can be promiscuous and then monogomous and be trusted??? But not women??? If you are...thats a really messed up thing to say. And if you're not trying to imply that promiscuous women cannot be trusted while promiscuous men can...you might want to reword it before you get jumped.

As far as the concept in general...for promiscuous men or women...I think its wrong there are many people who don't think sex is a big deal but have no problem being monogomous when in a commited relationship. It just depends on the person. Granted a person who isn't promiscuous outside of committed relationships isn't likely AT ALL to be promiscuous in them. But a person who IS promiscuous outside a committed relationship isn't necessarily impossible to trust. Just depends on the person and there ability to commit, but to say that anyone who has casual sex can never commit to one person seems completely wrong and unfounded.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:24am
Your point is well taken and the implication that it only refered to promiscus women was unintentional. I would think that a women looking at a LTR relationship would have questions of trust with a man, that for some reason was able to have casual sex with a lot of other women. Absolutes are something that I normally do not use so any statement that a person with that background can never be trusted would not be correct. The experience that I pointed out earlied only indicates that those two women could not be trusted. I just don't know how a prospective mate would convince themselves that they could trust that person but that would be their issue. There are people that can, I am sure, I just don't know any.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 4:08am
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I figured as much. From your previous posts you are very fair and level headed and I highly doubted you would make such a sexist comment ;)

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To that degree I guess I can see your perspective, although I'm more of a 'that was in your past I am your future' kind of person. I know a lot of people who just don't view sex as a big deal, so right now (being experimental college students) they are completely open to casual sex, whereas they still understand committment and when it comes to that they would have no problem settling down and not cheating. To many of them, promiscuity is completely fine, but cheating is what constitutes sluts (male and female).

While I myself am not comfortable with casual sex (I am a virgin and HOPE to only have one sexual partner in my life), I have no problem with other people who do it, so long as they understand that cheating is not ok. I guess when it comes down to it I really only have a problem with the lying and dishonesty that comes with cheating...sex is a personal thing and everyone feels differently about it and to each their own. My own bf has had 11 sexual partners, and 24 OTHER people with whom he has "fooled around with" and thats at a pretty young age. But he has NEVER lied to me, and I trust him implicitly, so regardless of his past of casual sex I KNOW he will never cheat on me.

I mean if people choose to have an open marriage, can you argue thats wrong?? (Biblically perhaps yes, but with that you could argue A LOT of things are wrong) Not really, because both parties are ok with it. So in reality the problem with cheating is NOT the casual sex outside of your relationship its the lying and dishonesty involved. So it could be argued that it has nothing to do with a person being open to casual sex or not, but more to do with whether they are an honest person as to whether they can be trusted in marriage. Because a person open to casual sex may be very honest and committed and never cheat on their SO. Where as a dishonest person who is not open to sex without emotion could end up developing an emotional attachment to someone other than their SO and cheating on them anyway. Kind of elaborate examples but I think you get my drift.

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 4:41am
Hi Angel, I read your post and you have a very good outlook on life. I understand college life and I don't think it has changed that much since I was there (yes there were a lot of parties and sex back then). I am just a romantic and see sex as the ultimate expression of love. I just think it is the most special moment between two people that love each other. I have also seen it be the ultimate betrayal when someone your trust, as a comitted lover, has sex with someone else. This happens too often (about 60% of the time). There is the difficult problem, risking giving your love to someone that may not care for it like the precious gift it is, or keep it an not have what could be a wonderful relationship. The path to making that decision is not any clearer than it has ever been.

I wish you the best in your decisions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:17am
Well, you are entitled to set standards for your life and your partners and if you want a virgin, it doesn't bother me.

That being said, everyone who has had casual sex or a one night stand isn't untrustworthy. People who cheat are untrustworthy. I am 23, have had sex with 12 guys. I am engaged to a man who I have been with for 3 years. So 11 of those guys were between ages 16-20. He has probably had sex with 25-30ish. We are monogomous- completely monogomous. Neither of us would ever cheat, neither of us have ever cheated on a partner.

When I was in high school/early college I had a lot of wild random sex. I don't know why I did it but the fact remains that I did. I don't regret the experiences I have had and wouldn't change a thing. I don't think this is any indication of my capacity to love, my committment to my fiance, or my value of marriage.

We are both glad that we aren't two fumbling virgins. I wouldn't want someone who was inexperienced. He has said the same, that he is glad I have slept around a little, I know what's out there, so I am not going to be left wondering. Plus, we have great sex.

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 9:26am
>>more partners doesn't mean new experiences or learned lessons.<<

True, only in that it does not guarentee new experiences or lessons learned, but it is far more likely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 9:40am
Now that is just wrong. I have to disagree with you tx. That is like saying no man can be trusted if he is into it. There is no difference. Those cases you mentioned, were cases that happen everyday, on both sides of the fence. Just because a woman is able to engage in casual sex, does not in anyway say that she cannot be trusted. It may be harder to feel like sex with her is special, but not trusting her. I would not feel special at all if my SO had been with 66 men before me. I would feel like just one of the crowd, and I am not good in a crowd. I would not judge the person, I just could not be with them in a serious relationship, no matter how much I loved them. It would make me feel very insignificant. And that is not saying much. I don't have a big ego, self esteem, or prowess. I know what I can do, and have done. People like to get on me because I have been there and done this or that, and I could care less. It is not a matter of whether you believe what I say or not, Honey, I have done what I have done, and I have been where I have been.

Any woman who can have casual sex does not automatically lose trust. Just like any man who can have casual sex doesn't. What they do lose however is the ability to have there partners feel special, and worth the hassle of being with them. I will always ask my partners, and if I get one that wont tell me, well, then we just wont have sex, or even continue a relationship beyond friendship. If they cannot tell me, they have something to hide. If I cannot handle there number, I will deal with it in my own way. But if that number is huge!!!!!! Sorry babe, I am not going to be just one of the crowd, for anyone. I'll be your friend, and we can be cool, but no sex, no relationship beyond friendship, and there is no question in my mind about that. It is hard enough trying to deal with the emotional feelings that are attributed to sex, and while I can turn them off, I don't like to, and will not be doing again. I am 29 years old, have an awesome partner who loves, supports, and completely satifies me sexually, and her number is low enough for me to handle. We all have sex, and we all enjoy sex at some point in our life. All I want from sex is to feel like I am someone special to the person I am with, and without that, I am not wanting it, needing it, or even really thinking about it.

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