Too many partners?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Too many partners?
126
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 10:41am
Howdy. I'm so mad. Last night my bf of almost 2 mos. broke up with me. We were discussing exclusivity and he asked me how many people I had sex with. I told him 19. He said it won't work, and left. He's only been with 2 partners. How can he be jealous, that was my past.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:22am
I grew up in the 70's "free love" era, I had sex with my bf of a year at almost 16, dated him another year, had three committed short-term relationships, and one planned one-night-stand(which I hated.) Through all of it I turned down IMMENSE amounts of offers to have casual sex. When I met my DH at 19 1/2, I had already slept with five men, and I had sex with him on the first date(I met him prior), which I had never done. We hadn't disclosed our backgrounds because it wasn't proper etiquette, so the most you could surmise was that if you had a relationship, you were having sex. We both figured out a round-about number by those relationships. Our numbers were off, I only surmised three for him, and I was happy that it was never asked, because I wouldn't have lied to him. Well, two years ago, we opened up pandora's box. I told him about my one-nighter and he told me about one other encounter. He also was quite discretionary and said he could have had a lot more sex, but chose not to. We even discussed childhood experiences. The truth, Jeep, had either of us revealed double the amount, it wouldn't have mattered. Nothing phased us, because we're secure in our marriage and in ourselves.

Maybe it was the times we grew up in together, but neither of us cared how many there were before us, because it could have been a whole slew. I guess what I'm trying to say, is we expected high numbers, and so we didn't judge each other on it. Honestly, I never gave it much thought, because, after all, "free love" was emancipating! ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:45am
Unfortunately, unlike the era that I grew up in, today sex can be dangerous to your health. It's not a matter of being judged by how many partners you had(which will matter to some), but how respectful you are to your body. In other words, your generation now has an "added" moral code with respect to STD's. You may very well be judged for being promiscuous just on that alone. Whether you're STD free or not, the fact that you would take high risks with regard to your body in the name of sex, might deter a lot of men from dating you. To engage in casual sex today, is taking a high risk, and some people will judge you based on that alone. Since your guy walked out without an explanation, it could have been based on that alone, or a combination of all of the other reasons. You'll never know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:21am

Txguy,


I agree, trust is #1 in a relationship.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:11pm
I don't think there is a formula for arriving a trust. For me it is just a feeling that I get based so many things my mind processes that I am unaware of. I either trust someone or I don't. My mind isn't allways correct.

I originally found this board while doing a search trying to understand a woman's point of view on sex. What I found was a very rich source of opinions. It is an education about how diverse opinions are. I am coming to the conclusion that there is only one generally accepted women's opinion. That is that want their gender treated fairly, after that there is no one formula that fits all.

It is quite a surprise to me to be in a position of being for love and sex together against a lot of women that believe that they are two seperate things. It just go to show how important it was for me to find this site and gain a more developed point of view of the opposite sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:34pm

I agree, I don't think there is a formula for trust either, but feeling of trust can be changed.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 2:14pm
Thanks Tish!! I was getting the feeling of being tossed around on a stormey sea. I know my comfort zone does not allow me to do certain things, but I need to expand to the place where other people's behavior, that I don't currently understand, doesn't bother me. Right now a lot of the things that people do just gives me the odd feeling of having lost my reference points.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 6:46pm

Actually, I have had a lot of LTR, and MANY men fall in love with me. Some don't care about numbers, like my bf. He won't even ask because to him, it's just my past, I am who I am because of it, and he knows I wouldn't ever cheat because I do believe in monogamy. For the most part, ALL the men I had been with was in a monogamous relationship (even if it was FWB).


But yes, you are right. MANY men couldn't handle it, and that's why I won't say anymore. If they can't deal with NOT knowing, then guess what? They aren't for me. If my xh had left me because of it, I would just look at the situation and say, "he wasn't for me, because the man who IS for me, won't run".

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 6:55pm

Holy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 7:01pm
<<<>>>

Angel,


Perfectly put. And for me, that's why I don't fall into txguy's catagory. I can have casual sex and be fine about it and enjoy it, but you're right, I am a very honest and

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 7:08pm

<<<>>>


txguy,


This is so sad. In your life, the ppl you know, it's been about 60% of the time they cheat? Do you think, as my therapist said, then it's time to start looking at yourself, what you MAY be doing and WHY you choose the ppl you do. I'm not talking about you specifically, but why is it your friends pick ppl who would cheat? I firmly believe that when ppl cheat, something is wrong in the relationship. It just isn't a one-sided deal.


Just something to think about. The two men you talked about. Maybe they weren't satisfying their wives as they would've liked. Maybe the women needed more attention because the H wasn't giving it to them, it could be a mulitiple of reasons, but I always say, cheating stems from problems in the relationship (not ALWAYS, but 99% it does).


-T

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