Too many partners?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Too many partners?
126
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 10:41am
Howdy. I'm so mad. Last night my bf of almost 2 mos. broke up with me. We were discussing exclusivity and he asked me how many people I had sex with. I told him 19. He said it won't work, and left. He's only been with 2 partners. How can he be jealous, that was my past.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 7:19pm

Jeep,


<<>>


<<>>


I'm acutally sad to hear you say that you would only be friends with a woman who had a high number. Especially since you kept saying that a number is only a number. But I guess a number ISN'T a number with you....especially if she told you the truth. And that, is the reason I won't tell. Because, you want the truth, you DEMAND the truth or we risk losing you, and yet, when you HEAR the answer, you still don't want us, cuz you can't handle it? To me, that's such BS. That's being a total hypocrite.


You yell, "TELL ME THE TRUTH" or I'm outta here, but you also don't tell them, "IF YOUR NUMBER IS TOO HIGH", I could be outta here anyways. It's men like you that make me CHOOSE NOT TO TELL. Because no matter what, I lose. Because I have no idea where his cut off line is. It could be 5, 10, 20, 50, etc. Who knows.


I'm glad you're not my bf, because obviously, you wouldn't be around....all because you wouldn't feel special? Sorry, that just sucks. BUT, at least you know what you can and cannot handle. And walking away if you can't handle it, I respect that. But judging a person by their number, I have no respect for that. Especially if the person has changed SO VERY MUCH, you have no clue.


-T


So, to everyone, this is the EXACT reason I refuse to tell. I lose both ways. So, if I lose you because you HAVE to know, wahtevers. It just shows me you wn't be able to handle the truth anyways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 7:26pm

<<>>


tx,


I just wanted to say that I truly respect you for only wanting sex when you are in love. VERY FEW men actually do that. And the ones I have met who fall under that catagory, are always the ones that treat you like a queen.


Unfortunatley, they are also the ones that get walked on a lot.


Keep to your beliefs. As they are YOUR OWN.


We may not agree, but that is why I'd never be your gf, and you'd never be my bf, and that's perfectly fine with me. as it should be with you. =) I hope you have found, or can find a woman who is just like you.


-T

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 7:54pm
Tigger, you disagreed with honey when she commented that she was unable to orgasm with a stranger (#47) and went on to say that some women could orgasm during casual sex. In your later posts you talked more about casual sex and it made me wonder about your definition. It seems to me that maybe there are several categories of sex. There's the quick fling, either with a stranger or someone you barely know. This is what I think Honey was talking about. Then there's someone you know, but don't have an exclusive committed relationship with, kind of a FWB situation. This sounds like what you were talking about. You also mentioned having a lot of LTRs. At 29, how long could they have been if you had a lot of them? I'd like to introduce a third category, the short-term relationship (STR). This is basically a hoped-for LTR that didn't last too long. I don't think people have them intentionally (usually). I think this is probably where a lot of the numbers of sex partners comes from. Boy meets girl, has sex on the third date (on average), but things don't work out and after a few months, it's over. If somebody has done this a lot, I think it says a lot more about their ability to committ than it does about their sexual tendencies. I would tend to be more wary of someone who goes through 2-3 BFs/GFs a year for an extended period than maybe someone who had a few quick flings and then 1 or 2 LTRs that lasted years.

At any rate, I am (with Honey) very much an advocate of wonderful committed lovemaking in an LTR. She's a good example how a woman can hardly enjoy sex at all with someone unfamiliar, but then turn into an orgasmic volcano with someone she knows and loves( my DF is another example).

taoist

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:05pm

<>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:09pm
>>xguy,

This is so sad. In your life, the ppl you know, it's been about 60% of the time they cheat? Do you think, as my therapist said, then it's time to start looking at yourself, what you MAY be doing and WHY you choose the ppl you do. I'm not talking about you specifically, but why is it your friends pick ppl who would cheat? I firmly believe that when ppl cheat, something is wrong in the relationship. It just isn't a one-sided deal. <<

This is a statistic, not a representation of the people in his life. Yes it's sad, but that is an across the board statistic, not just from people in txguy's life ;o)

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 9:33am
Tigger, First of all relax. It's not worth getting all bent out of shape, and take things all personally. I would never, have never, and will never date, see, or sleep with a woman without knowing her history. That is just me. Your right. It is just a number, but it all plays into the whole package. I really do not care how you are, what you choose to do, or how you choose to live your life. That is your choice, and none of my business. If you and I were to date, then it would become my business, and I would want to know. If you were unable to tell me, then I would not feel you were worth the time to get to know, as you are unable to be honest, and yes, unfortunately if your number was so high I could not deal with it, then we could be friends, if you still wanted, but a sexual, emotional, and personal relationship we would not have. Any woman in my opinion, or man for that matter that is able to just have sex, for sex, with so many people, is not going to see anything special about sex, and therefore not going to be the right person for me. I don't do well with secrets, or lies, and I would really hate to sit everyday thinking about it while we were at the store, or out on a date, or whatever, who is she going to run into now, see again, etc. I would not want that for me, or for her. Just because you have sex for fun does not make you a bad person. Doesn't make you worth less in anyway, accept in a relationship with me, and then you are not worth my time and or effort. Pure and simple. I need a woman who can look at sex with me as being something special, wonderful, and make it a very important part of our lives together. If she has had a large number of casual partners, and had sex just for fun a lot, then no, I will never feel like sex with her is special, in any way!!!! None. I will be one of the crowd!!!! Don't like crowds, don't want to be in a crowd, have no desire to continue to try and get to know someone who would make me just one of the crowd!!!! So sorry that you are taking my opinion, and Txguy opinion so seriously. You must have issues with yourself as you are about this, or you really wouldn't care. But from everything you have said to me, and to TX it appears you have deeper issues than what we think about it. I don't know your number, and I could really care less, as I am happy in the relationship I am in currently, and the woman I am with. She is everything I need, and is someone who does think SEX with me is special. Someone sho does value sex, as something more than just a recreational activity. So, have at it. Say anything you want here, but the fact of the matter is I would not want to be with you strickly for the fact that you cannot tell me your number, and that would mean to me that you value sex very little. Oh, sure, you can be monogomous. So can I. Your point??? I was unfaithful to my ex wife. I had several affairs. Now I am with someone I truly love, and although I have not been perfect, I have not committed adultery. So, I was a cheater, now I am faithful. Monogomy itself is not that much of an issue. Do I think you cannot control your sexual desire?? No, but I don't think you value sex at all, and I think you view it as a passtime, rather than as something special to share with the person you are in love with. So, again, I am sorry you are taking this so personally. It was never meant to be a personal issue, but a broad issue. I do not think those who engage in casual sex, and have had a multitude of partners is worth the effort to get to know, and try and build a loving, committed relationship with. SORRY. Call me old fashioned, but I have grown up, and I am glad that my life has not seen so many partners I cannot remember all of them in detail, and all but two of there names. I used to believe as you do. Sex is sex, and it is unrelated to love. That is before I found the joy of real true love. Now, sex is sex, but making love is entirely different. Yes, I still have sex casually. My SO and I have ventured into the threesomes, so we end up having casual sex. There is nothing wrong with it. But, I know where her heart and mind lay, and I know whos heart she holds. So I am O.K. with that. If we end up sleeping with a hundred new people, I don't care, because she is with me now, and we are doing this together. But, if she had slept with a hundred people before me, than we would not be here today, since I would not feel any value in our sex life, and her morals would not suit my own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 9:51am
Tigger, thanks for responding to my post. I have read what you have to say and, I THINK I LIKE YOU. Let me give you my impression of you.

1) Your post name Tigger, you must have kept some child like qualities. I own a Micky Mouse watch I wear on a regular basis.

2) You like sex. Much easier to deal with than a Miss Refrigerator.

3) You are committed in your relationships. Honest people are the ones I like around me.

4) You have compassion for other peoples feelings. It makes the world a better place to live when people care about others.

You are correct when you say that the dating world would be a tough place for me to be (I am reading between the lines). My daughter has told me the same basic thing. She said "dad there are just no guys out there like you". Your emotional make up puts you in a much better position to survive and enjoy life without getting hurt. A lot of the guys I know have been hurt to the point that I don't think that they can truly love a woman, and I am sure the same is true of some women. I am safe though, I met my wife at 24 years old. I called her up on the recomendation of one of my friends wives. I told her that I felt that I must meet her based on the wonderful things I had been told about her. Believe it or not she agreed to go out with me. We were engaged in 2 weeks, married in 3 months, and that has been a long time ago.

I am really very fond of women and you have helped me understand you. That will help me understand others. That is really very important when women bring a lot of beauty, love, laughter, and acomplishment to the world.


Edited 5/27/2004 9:55 am ET ET by txguy2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 10:01am
Color me confused on that logic, Jeep! tee hee As long as the numbers and casual sex encounters happen after the fact, then it's OK? Sex with others is different after you're a union? Don't you see, different perspectives, yield different results. I feel that sex is cheapened and made less special when it's reduced to just sex in threesomes and group sex. I would judge someone who was capable of that, more than I would judge someone based on numbers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 10:02am
O.K. Tish, This is how it is. You are right on your first paragraph. You have to feel special for yourself, no one else can make you feel it. But, you said something that struck me as funny. Basically you added to my point. >>No one can make you feel anything, you have to believe it yourself and if you don't believe it, you can't feel it.<< That line alone made everything I said more valid. I cannot believe I would be special to anyone who has been so open and casual about who they sleep with or have sex with. That is the point. I would not feel that way, because I cannot believe there would be anything special about sex with that person, and that they would not be able to feel sex with me was special in any way. How could you?? Sleep with a hundred people and there is not one of them that can be special in anyway shape and form. I would not date a hooker, or porn star for those reasons alone, so what makes a bar hopper, casual partner, or promiscuous person any different from them, other than getting paid for it??? What??? NOTHING!!!!! There views of sex are the same, and they are nothing even close to mine. That is enough of a reason right there!!!!


I judge the person first, then the number. A 40 year old with 8 is definatly better than a 29 year old with 25. But a 29 year old with 25 is still better than a 30 year old with 40. It does make a lot of difference by age, but mostly by the way they look at sex in general. My SO has had casual relationships. Well, sort of. She dated a few guys, just for the sex. Nothing more. That is fine, but she had feelings for them at the same time. It was not just sex to her. It had some bigger meaning. The ones she had no feelings for, she did not enjoy as much, if at all. When she and I got in the discussion about this thread she said the same as me. Yes, the number matters, and yes, if the person cannot tell me, then he/she has something to hide. If I ask a direct question, regardless of what it is, I expect a direct answer, as I will always give a direct answer. Not telling, and hiding something after a direct question are the exact same thing in my opinion.

Yes, I agree. You make yourself feel special. Thank you. I make myself feel special when I am with my SO??? Hell no. She makes me feel special to her. I already know I am special, but knowing that she thinks I am special is what I am talking about. If she had 50 - 100 partners I would not feel like she thought I was special in any way. I would feel like one of the crowd. The memories she keeps of other men would cloud mine, and make me feel less significant. So, personal preference I guess, but to me the number matters greatly. It shows the character of the person to a greater detail than any other single thing does. If they value sex so little that it could be a past time, then they hold no value of sex with me, and that, in and of itself is enough for me to turn a shoulder and walk away.

If I were a woman??? Who knows how I would feel. I feel the way I feel because I am who I am. I was raised the way I was raised, and I have known and done the things I have. It is my outlook on life, my wants and my needs that are important to me. My SO is even secondary in many of those wants and needs. But, then again, she is far ahead of my own wants and needs in many of them to. I am sure that if I was a woman, I would be a virgin at 29 if I had not met the right guy yet. As far as casual sex, I would be much more guarded about who I was with, and who I actually slept with. And, if I was still very set on my standards, I would wait for marriage before even thinking about sex with a guy. But, as it stands, I would probably want some sort of relationship that meant something to me, before even attempting to have sex with them. As a woman. I am a man, so my views are slightly skewed, and yes, casual sex is fun, is all good, but it isn't for me, and it's never really been that great. Sure, I got off, and she had an orgasm. Big deal. It was no where near the power, pleasure, or contentment created by truly making love to another person, pouring your heart and soul into them, and having there fireworks be so powerful, that you can feel them while inside of them. I have never in my life known the joys of true love making till I met my current SO. Now, Casual sex is somethig we engage in together, for our mutual benefit, and we make love when we are alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 10:11am
Well, thanks for your two cents. Sex is sex, and I have always said that, always will. It is not just sex that I am talking about though, is it??? It is sex with me. If you have had a large quantity of different casual partners before you met me, I find it hard to believe that you could find anything special about sex with me. I find it hard to believe you can find sex special with anyone. Sex is sex, yes, but sex in love is different. I think even you can agree with me there Free. Sex with mr no name, or miss no name is all good and fine, but sex with the one you are in love with is phenominal, and anyone who is that casual about there sex lives is not going to see that the same way. After my SO and I started out having threesomes, we have really seen the difference. Making love to her, and having sex with another woman has forever been changed. The difference is extraordinary. It is after all the only opinion that matters though right?? Your own!!!!

Pages