Too many partners?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Too many partners?
126
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 10:41am
Howdy. I'm so mad. Last night my bf of almost 2 mos. broke up with me. We were discussing exclusivity and he asked me how many people I had sex with. I told him 19. He said it won't work, and left. He's only been with 2 partners. How can he be jealous, that was my past.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 1:41pm
I can be with someone who enjoys casual sex, but to an extent. If they have had many casual encounters than no. It is not a matter of there ability to do it, that bugs me, it is there doing it so much that everything else is deminished. Just like that car depreciates in value, so does sex to a person that does it casually all the time. I do not want to be with a person who shows that they have no value to sex, and there number of casual partners is a very good indication of there value on sex IMHO. Threesomes are different, in that I am still with my SO, I am there to please her, to have that connection, emotional bond, during. We are together, and we are just adding a little extra to the experience. It is not that I will not be with anyone who could have casual sex, cause I can, and have before, but I look at there number of casual partners and determine if I think they hold any value towards sex, other than for its pleasure. If I don't feel they value it at all by having a large number of casual partners, then I have to turn them away. I cannot imagine being with a woman, in a relationship, that has had a multitude of partners. My ex wife had 17 people by the time she was 17. It adversely affected our relationship as I did not veiw her as beig special, and I didn't think she saw our sex life as being anything special. I was the only real relationship she had, the rest were casual. The only reason I stayed with her so long was because I was her first consentual sex partner. She had been raped repeatedly when she was 13 at a convention her parents took her too. We had our first experience only a few monthes later, and she latched on to me. Then we broke up, and she traveled around, doing her thing with whoever wanted to, and when she came back to me, I still at that time did not know. It was not till after we were married and on the otherside of the country that she finally told me the truth. It broke everything I had for her in two, and finding out she was nothing more than a sex toy to so many people made my stomach turn. We stayed married for 4 years, but during that time I felt nothing special for her, and cheated often. It was during my marriage that I had all of my casual partners accept one. I will not make that mistake again, and do not look favorably at women who toss themselves around like that. If a person has more partners than they did boyfriends, and I mean significantly more, then there is no chance. Threesomes are having sex with your SO and having another there to back you up, add to, or energize the occasion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 1:50pm
She was raped Jeep at 13. How horrific. How could you hold what she did from 13 to 17 against her? She was a baby? You married a woman you didn't love and had no respect for. It was doomed before it began. Then you cheated on her, which probably deepened her wounds. I hope she sought therapy after your break-up. She's probably a mess. So sad. :-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:04pm
I did love her when we got married. Yes, I was not in love with her, but I did respect her. She had many issues that led to our divorse, not just her number. And all of a sudden I am the bad guy hmmm. Well, if you only knew the crap she pulled with me. That is what really stinks about these boards. You tell someone something personal, and it is a one sided story to get a point across, and all of a sudden you are made out to be the bads guy, or they jump all over you. She slept with 15 guys in a years time. She had her problems, but rather than turning to the guy she claimed to love, she ran off and did her own thing. That was her choice, I had nothing to do with it. She became manic depressive, attempted suicide twice before we got back together. I built her back up again, helped her grow, helped her gain back her confidence, and one day she finally told me the truth. A week after our wedding. No, at that point everything left me. I felt nothing any longer. After that her depressive behavior no longer mattered. Yes, I turned cold. We still held it together, and made nice for several years, 4 almost exactly. Then she left. She only found out about two of my affairs. The first was shortly after she told me. I reacted. I am sorry about that now, and realize my error. The second however was just before our split, and I cared less. I should have divorsed her in the beginning, but I didn't, so sue me. She went back home to Northern California, and has lived there since to my knowledge. I do hope she found happiness finally, and someone who will tolerate her radical mood swings, violently aggressive temperment, and over obsessive attitude. Do I blame her??? No. We both were to blame. It is over now, and has been for our years, and I don't ever look back, unless she is brought up, and then it is only to answer the questions asked, and to hope she is happier now, and making something of herself. You have to understand, I was only 16 at the time I met her, and 20 when we married.


Edited 5/27/2004 2:10 pm ET ET by jeephead
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:14pm
My guess, Jeep. She knew the minute she told you that it was a mistake. She probably sensed every single minute after she told you how your feelings changed for her, and it probably killed her inside. I can only imagine. She knew, I'm sure she didn't have to hear the words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:20pm
Sorry someone twisted your situation to hurt you. Funny thing about being anonymous and behind a computer, it can bring out the best and worst in people. I have had my moments as well ;o)

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:24pm
Whether she did or she didn't is irrelevant now isn't it. It has been over for years, and she has moved on, as have I. What matters is the experience was not a good one, and I will not repeat it. So, when the question came up about past lovers, I responded with my feelings on the topic. Threesomes came into play because I enjoy them, but I wont be with someone who is into Casual sex. Only if they have been doing a lot of men casually, but still I see how the confusion sets in. Maybe I cannot explain it well enough for you to understand, but this is all I can say. My SO and I engage in threesomes together, for the mutual pleasure it brings. We have been monogomous for four years prior to starting this, and will remain so after. If we want to continue to do this than we will, but I do not view this as wrong, or as I do a woman who just sleeps around for the fun of it. I do not concider threesomes as sleeping around, because we are both involved and both activly participating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:31pm
I still don't understand threesomes and don't think I ever will. I have finally come to grips with that. Thanks for trying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:34pm
No problem. It is not for everyone, and I really wasn't trying to change your mind about them, just show you my perspective. I enjoy them. My SO enjoys it. That is what really matters to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:38pm
I knew you weren't...and I wasn't trying to change yours either. Just trying to understand. It helps take the mystery out of life. Happy trucking. ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:38pm
I'll have to agree with "free" on this one, Jeep. I followed you about sex being really special. I saw your point about casual sex with too many partners being something you could not agree with. Okay, I'm with you up to that point. Then you started talking about threesomes with your SO. Huh? What happened to special? What happened to sex with the one you love? Isn't the third person in a threesome pretty "casual"?

taoist.

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