Too shy to initiate...

Avatar for tygirljojo
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Too shy to initiate...
5
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 1:19am

Okay, so I tried serching under the words "initiating sex" and the posts that popped up from that search made me realize even more how odd of a situation I'm in. I'm with a great guy who I love. We're 5 years apart and we've been dating for almost a year now. I consider myself to have a healty sexual appetite. I've always been able to keep up with my past partners no problem.

My boyfriend now, however, is like a totally different species I've never encountered before. First off, when me have sex, it's not having sex, it's actually making love, which in itself is a new experience for me (I'd NEVER had a guy do that with me before.) And don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about it. It's just sometimes...you just want to...fvck like an animal, y'know? Biggest issue is this...while we've talked about the amount of sex we have, he's admitted he loves sex just like any other guy, but in his case, he differs because his drive is driven by that of his partner (AKA...ME) Secondly, we only get to see each other once or twice a week due to differing work schedules. So it's common for us to go a couple weeks without sex.

Here's the other issue, though. I get horny as hell after a week or so. I WANT to jump his bones, but I can't work up the nerve! I'm too damn shy! I can envision myself pinning him up to a wall and just starting to make out with him...but I guess the whole "soft" making love thing just makes me worry that he'll find it...too rough? I dunno. Plus, like I said, we have opposite work schedules. I feel that I can't initiate sex during the week because I know he has to wake up early in the morning and if the next day, during our conversation I ask him how his day was and his response is "I'm exhausted" then I'd feel bad because I'd feel that he's exhausted because I initiated the sex that kept him up later. Does any of this make any sense to anyone?

Then, another wierd thing. He has never came when I give him a BJ. It's wierd to me! Every guy I've been with and all the guys I've ever discussed the subject of BJs with have said that they come! Apparently he never has...ever. It's just not enough stimulation for him. And while I can logically understand that, well, it's just so different from what I'm USED to. I've asked him about it, and he says he enjoys it, but it just doesn't do it for him. Fantasies? I've brought that subject up...apparently he doesn't have any...that or else he won't share them with me. I've told him mine, but I don't know IF he has them , and if he does, what they are. Turn-ons? His answer, "You." As sweet as it is, it doesn't help me much when it comes to trying to seduce him, now does it? Heck, I don't even know what his favorite color of lingere is - he says he doesn't have one, just whatever I'm wearing is great for him. Anyways, so that should paint a clearer picture about how different of a guy I'm dating...and no, he's not like a metro-type of guy or anything, he really is a guy in many ways. Although the lack of porn mags or even Maxim mags and the fact that I have more sex toys than him (I only have a couple, but still...) just...really throws me off!

Anyone know what the heck I should do regarding trying to initate the sex? I'm so SHY about starting it, but I want to SO MUCH! I just feel....lost when it comes to him. I've never had a problem initiating it in the past with guys, but then again with other guys, they usually initiated it first. Clues, ideas, insights...help? Anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:53am

My first thought off the bat is to make it that much clearer to him that you are a sexual human who at times may want love or simply raw intercourse needs. Perfectly natural. He needs to know or remember anyway that you have those needs at different times that you simply cannot control like a lightswitch.

So long as he remembers this is normal and not some type of nympho episode, point made. Only thing the Mrs. & I do about it, along with the conflicting schedules, is one gets frisky with the other a little bit, not too much. The other's response tells the initiator if s/he is ready or not.

There IS such a thing as being soooo tired/exhausted that not even fellatio will stir that much of a reaction either, to say nothing about orgasm. I'm llike that a lot as well.

Good luck with that.

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 8:35am

One string thru your entire post is "other guys". No other guy ever did this, every other guy did that, etc. The first thing you need to do is realize that every guy is different. Yes, many have similarities, but the details are different.

You think it's "wierd" that he never finished from oral sex. It's not only not wierd, it's fairly common. That doesn't mean you're not doing it right, or you're not pleasing him, it just means that oral sex isn't enough to bring him to climax. That also doesn't mean that he doesn't enjoy it. It means NOTHING, only that this is the way he is.

He doesn't have fantasies. Not unusual. Maybe because he's not "sex driven"! He doesn't have favorite colors of lingerie. Good, then you can wear YOUR favorite colors! It sound to me like he's an easy going guy, and just being with you is enough to fulfill his fantasies, and whatever you like in underwear, he does too. Probably because he's happy with whatever makes YOU happy.

You feel that this guy "makes love" unlike your previous partners who "had sex" with you. Maybe the difference is that this guy cares more for you than the other guys did. As for your desire to occasionally just "do it", that's not unusual, and in most good relationships, there are the times that is exactly what happens. If you've been with him a year, and you've discussed other sexual things, why can't you ask him how he feels about that? Since he claims to be "driven" by you, then he should be very open to doing that, if that's what you want on occasion.

So, he's tired. Most people who work for a living are....but that doesn't mean they're not up for sex anyway. If he's too exhausted then I'm sure he's perfectly capable of saying "not tonight" if that's how he feels. You're not too shy to ask, you're afraid of rejection. In a good relationship, sometimes one or the other isn't up to it, and that's not "rejection", it's just honesty. If for some reason you didn't feel well, or were very tired, and you told him "not tonight", do you think he'd feel rejected? Not if he cares about you as much as you think he does. And if he did agree to do it, and the next day he says he's "exhausted", it was his choice to do it. I've had guys say that to me, but it wasn't a complaint, it was an innuendo (You wore me out, babe, hehehe). I never felt guilty hearing that!

I get the feeling that since you don't see him often, you feel that when you DO, there should be sex every time. I don't think that a good relationship needs that. Sometimes it's nice just to have some quality "upright" time, too. That's how a couple gets to know each other. Anyone can have sex, but it takes two compatible people to be able to be happy with each other even when they're NOT having sex.

If you feel you need the sex, there's always your hand, and I'm sure he does that when he's not with you, too. All in all, he sounds like a great guy, and rather than comparing him to other men you've been with, appreciate his good qualities. If those other guys were so great, you'd still be with them, and you're not.

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Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:19am

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:40am

It sounds like you have a great guy who cares about your pleasure and feelings in bed and takes the time to make love to you. But lots of people feel uncomfortable sharing their fantasies and lots of men are unable to orgasm through oral stimulation. That's more common than you may think.

A discussion, outside the bedroom, would be a good idea if you aren't getting your needs met, sprinkled liberally with praise and appreciation for his sensitivity and care in bed.

But you have to stop comparing him, that's unfair...just as it would be if he compared you to his past partners. Appreciate him for who he is but be honest about your needs.

TELL him that you aren't having sex often enough and that you enjoy raw sex once in a while and work something out together. ASK him when would be the best time to initiate sex during the week. That should help you to feel more comfortable approaching him. And you may find that he's been desiring the same thing all along.

But, if you don't discuss this, you could begin to resent him for not being what you're used to. And that would be a shame since he sounds like a good one, don't let him get away.

Avatar for tygirljojo
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:52am

Thanks, everyone, for the input. I know that he's a guy and I know that every guy is very different and unique, this is just the largest age gap I've had in a relationship so some of things I was beginning to wonder if they were because of the age difference. I know I shouldn't be comparing him to "other guys" but that's the experience I go by and it's what's helped to guide me a bit in past relationships. Plus I've got many guys friends that also fall into the "typical male behavior" that I'm used to. I just need to try and start thinking outside the box.

Am I too shy or is it more a fear of rejection? A little bit of both, but honestly I am shy about initiating it. I don't expect sex every time we see each other because it is nice to just be in each other's company, but at the same time, for me, once it hits the two week mark, that's when I get a bit fidgity. I guess I'll just try to bring it up with him when the opportunity arises. He IS a great guy, and I've known that for a long time.

Thanks again!