Too Soon...did I mess it up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2005
Too Soon...did I mess it up?
2
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 9:40am

Hello all,

I hope this won't be too long but I could use some advice/feedback, I posted this on another board but was curious about this boards thoughts. I was matched with a gentleman through an online matchmaking service (I won't use names, but it is not just a quickie match up, it takes some time and effort). Anyway, we went through the process of getting to know each other online, than through emails, on the phone and finally a dinner date. This whole process spanned a few months. We had a great time and got together a few weeks later...well this time we wound up getting intimate. This is not like me at all! I am the wait 3 months or longer gal! Nonetheless, it happened. Recently we got together again and well...yes, it happened again. I really like this guy and I don't think it is because of having become intimate so soon - it was more about how the rest of the time we spent together is. Because he lives a distance from me we have gotten together for a whole day or even two days. Honestly, the "act" itself was nice but it was the romantic handholding, kissing etc. that led up to sex that has my head spinning.

I am now nervous that since we have been intimate so soon it might have messed things up. My question is this...would it be crazy to go backwards and see if we can slow it down? During our 2nd date when things started to get steamy we both said we should wait and move slow but we did not. I am not sure what he is looking for, I am assuming that since he went through the process of this online matchmaking process that he looking for more than just a "booty call" but I do not know if he is looking for something serious/LT or not? I know it is too early to even think about being exclusive but how could I ask him what he is looking for without scaring him off?

I have been out of the dating game for awhile and don’t want to mess this up (any more than I might have already). He has been nothing but affectionate and wonderful, and I do not feel as if he is “blowing me off” or anything (we have not made definite plans to get together again but I feel like we will). I guess I am just feeling unsure and maybe a bit upset with myself for breaking my own rules. I know I should just chill out and enjoy our time; but I am wondering at what point (how many dates –how long) before you actually talk about the “relationship”? Any thoughts or ideas/experience would help. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 9:59am

First forget about "messing up". He participated too, so if he was the type to "look down" on you because it was too soon.....he is just as "guilty" as you are, and has no right to "throw stones" on that account.

As for "scaring him away".....if he's interested, he won't be "scared away". If he IS scared away, then he wasn't that interested, and better to know NOW rather than 6 months from now.

If you're a good match, then there's no reason why you can't be open and honest with him about how you feel, about slowing down (or not) or anything else. If it's going to be a good relationship, then you need to start communicating from the beginning.

Bottom line, if he's interested, NOTHING will scare him away. Play it by ear, and see where it goes. After all, why do people go to these dating services?....to find someone they're compatible with, and hopefully find a good relationship. There could be lots of reasons it won't work out, and the least of them will be the intimacy. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 12:30am

<<<...I am just feeling unsure and maybe a bit upset with myself for breaking my own rules. I know I should just chill out and enjoy our time; but I am wondering at what point (how many dates –how long) before you actually talk about the “relationship”?>>>>

First off, release yourself from being "a bit upset" with yourself. You are human AND a sexual being; IMO you should embrace the fact that you both were "in" the moment.

Secondly, good luck on "just chill and enjoy our time" - IMO, for a female, this is not an easy task despite how hard one tries to just chill. As a female, I think the thought process we use in leiu of 'just chill' helps us define our own wants/needs and direction which leads me to "at what point....talk about": There is no specific time frame, there's just you and him. Both of you have invested time to get to this point (so I'm thinking more than booty call) and what's the big rush to discuss it? Before you begin any discussion besure you know where you'd like it go and what you want; also be ready for him not to jump into discussion along with him saying all the things you don't want to hear. If you mentally prepare yourself, IMO you will know when/if you have to bring it up. Good luck and enjoy!