totally psycological?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
totally psycological?
2
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 11:04am

Hi! Not sure exactly what I'm looking for so this is all over the place. Relationship = 8 yrs. Sex = maybe 1x a mo. (used to be a LOT more) Requests for oral = 1000 times a month. Problem is, that is the thing I least like. Wish I did like it and could do it more. Couple of reasons I think are because he's a little, shall we say, well endowed for me and it takes forever to finish. If it didn't take so long maybe I'd enjoy it more? (Unfortunately, his medication has sexual side affects and I think this is one of them.)

Second issue is the 1x/mo. Would I like it more? Absolutely! When I try to initiate by kissing or whatever he doesn't get it. (Guess I need to be more direct.) He thinks it's a game when I go to kiss him and he sticks his tongue out (I think he thinks it's cute or something) so he ends up licking me instead of kissing me and it's really annoying. I've told him I don't like it and that that it turns me off but he hasn't stopped. Unfortunately, kissing is something that does turn me on and when he initiates he skips that part and goes right for the gold. You'd think after 8 years he would know better.

Then I have my other issues: self esteem - feeling fat and not comfortable being naked. He tells me I'm silly, but I can't help it. I know I'm not huge or anything, but when my clothes aren't fitting me and the scale says I've gained 10 lbs. it doesn't help.

Lastly, I'm at the age where I want to have kids - and if I don't do it soon I won't be able to have them - but still want to be married before kids. I think this is subconsiously another reason for the 1x/mo.

After reading this, I realize that communication needs to be better and maybe I just needed to vent and I should just get over it. Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 11:25am

Your last line said it all........communicate.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 3:45pm

Sounds like he has the sex drive and is potentially capable of having sex more than once a month if he's asking for oral all the time.

Sounds to me like the two of you have just really got out of sync with your sex life. You probably need to sit down and have a frank and open talk with him about it. Find out what HE wants and expects from your sex life, listen, then tell him what you'd like and what you expect. Maybe even list the things that you'd like to try. Cover everything from how often he's like sex, to what he likes during sex.

I don't think that there is a problem with telling him that you're not big about giving oral sex. And don't feel bad about not getting him to finish. How about doing it more often as part of foreplay before moving onto either intercourse or a handjob? You don't HAVE to finish him. Another thing to try could be to ask him to finish himself off and let him masturbate and ejeculate over your breasts or something. He knows just how to touch himself and he shouldn't have a problem making himself cum at the end of a BJ. It's a pretty good compromise, you know.

Your embarrassment about your weight is a problem too. Try not to be so self concious about it. Being selfconcious in the bedroom can really dampen the mood for both of you. He knows what you look like and if he says he's happy with the way you look then beleive him. How does that old song "Sunscreen" go? "You are not as fat as you think you are!" It's true. Really.

>>He thinks it's a game when I go to kiss him and he sticks his tongue out <<
No he doesn't. That is his way of avoiding getting intimate. I don't know what's going on there, but he knows that if he sticks his tounge out it destroys the mood and you don't end up getting intimate. maybe your kissing styles are different? Maybe you're just catching him at times when he's not in the mood? Maybe he'd like to start getting intimate in another way? This is something that you should talk about.

Just remember to keep an open mind and do not be critical or get upset. Clearly he loves you and likes you because he's been sticking with you for a long time now. But it is also clear that the two of you have got to sort out what the other wants and expects and needs. If he says stuff that you feel upset about just remember that you are trying to make things better. So don't take it too personally even though it is personal intimate stuff you are talking about. What he likes is just personal preference and what you have been doing is neither right nor wrong it's just not what gets him going. And don't forget that it goes both ways - things he does are necessarily wrong, they're just things that you'd prefer he do differently (like the kissing thing).