Touchy subject
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Touchy subject
| Fri, 12-03-2004 - 11:18pm |
I am a younger female, and about a year ago lost my virginity. Since then I have slept with three total men. None of these men I had been in relationships with, which I am totally fine with, stress free sex! The thing is, the third man I had sex with was my cousin. He was in his early twenties, me teens. First cousin. It was not at all planned, we were camping and it just happened. We have talked about it since, and we're both ok with it. The thing is, I have basically been in love with him since I knew how to love. We were and still are best friends, we have the same interests, we talk all the time, and he said that if we weren't related we would be together. Right now its just sex, we both know thats theres no possibility of a relationship. But we are both emotionally attatched to eachother and I dont know what to do. Most would think this as gross incest, but its not as abnormal to me, but I dont know what to think of it. I know that socially it will not be accepted, so we have kept it quiet. We are planning on have the same relations again. If you're going to rant and rave about how we have sinned, I'm agnostic so it wont work. I just want to know what people think of it. Thanks for listening.

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What's agnostic got to do with it. Aside from religion, in most states it's illegal.....nothing to to with religion. It has to do with genetics.....have you heard of the Jukes & the Kallikaks? Two families that interbred.....and produced whole generations of feeble minded children.
Since you're going to proceed with the relationship, then do so.....what difference does it matter what anyone else thinks?
Here's a link to a group that WILL accept you...http://www.cousincouples.com/
Hi remana.
Not sure what responses you were either hoping for or expecting to get from sharing your situation, but at least you know that it'll all be honest. There really is nothing that CAN be said about it, in my opinion. You did it, you're reasoning the possibility of continuing, thats that.
You already know we've been in your shoes when the uncontrollable infatuation with someone else takes over our entire life at the time, so we DO know what its like. However, we do not do relatives, we just don't. Its called inbreeding and its not acceptable for a reason. When you become THIS emotional, the "reason" mode of thinking is no longer your concern, so what we think is not going to be what you'll like to hear.
Also, yes yes YES I have mentored a couple of youths in the past who have been through the very same situation you're describing. Not saying I'm experienced with how to discuss it, but I DO know what you're talking about just the same. Keep in mind the number of cousins and even siblings who refuse to report playing "doctor" with each other as well, as reported by numerous therapists out there. So you're not really that alone as you think. Only thing is, you're considering continuing this and throwing rationale to the wind.
The number one argument I remember reading about this (please note that I'm not saying I agree with it, but I'm just sharing it since you asked for opinion and all) was the "what if" theory again. For example, if you were "okay" to do this, then ins't it also okay for a mother/son or a brother/sister, etc.? What would be the difference? You did say cousin if I'm not mistaken. Again, that was a viewpoint presented by a colleague of mine at the time, I just found it quite interesting.
Anyway, the only thing I can personally think of this situation is to suggest that you ask yourself if you would still think this was okay if you DIDN'T have these feelings. Rationalizing this while you have these feelings is baseless. The honest to truth question is how would you view this AND OTHER such blood relationships if you were truly these feelings yourself?
You don't have to post back and answer that, just a thought for you to ponder honestly within yourself. These are super strong feelings, so I hope you're gonna be okay no matter what you decide. :)
C h a r a c t e r
above all else
Mr. Para
C H A R A C T E R
I think it's 100% wrong, it's incest and having sex with a cousin is no different than having sex with a brother, sister, mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandparent, etc.
C h a r a c t e r
above all else
Mr. Para
C H A R A C T E R
It would be nice to think some "wisdom" was accepted, but the OP states that she knows it's wrong, and doesn't CARE that it's wrong.....she's just curious what other people think about it. Like she didn't know what other people would think about it!
She's been "in love" with this pervert ever since she's "known how to love".....which, if there's any truth to the story, as a teenager when this started, she doesn't have a clue about. It makes one wonder about the whole family structure....if this is where she turns for "love". Or, as someone else said......LUST.
This definitly belongs on the taboo board.....or a slow day on Jerry Springer.
Just look at horse breading...the gene pool is passed along sucsessfully for many generations.
Agree. I've learned from a physical anthropology class in college that no matter how popular the myth is... incest itself does not cause birth defects. It depends on the genes the parents carry. If both carry recessive defective genes, then the chance of birth defects would be higher. The idea is that if both parents come from the same family, the chances of two recessive genes would be higher. But by the same token, if the bloodline of that family is "clean", then the chance of two defective genes would actually be lower than from two random parents. Consider that ancient royal families bred within, few bloodlines had genetic problems, and other bloodlines had none. Also, think about Adam and Eve... they had children and then..? Incest must have occurred for their story to be true.
Incest being absolutely wrong is a cultural/social belief, not an universal truth. There are times in history when it's acceptable or even the norm. There are places in the world where incest is still acceptable. I don't mean that I personally agree with or accept incest, just presenting different views.
Anyway, as for the OP... you live in US (I assume), incest is considered sinful, illegal, unhealthy, and many other harsher terms to describe it. It is a very bad decision to commit such act, just like it's a very bad decision to burn down someone's house or have sex with a little child. You don't love your cousin, it's just some teenage infatuation and lust. You really should stop this relationship with your cousin, or else you will be very hurt. Move on and go out with other people outside of your family.
I agree. I'm not saying I agree with it at all, but the idea of incest being wrong is a cultural construct. It has little to do with genetics at all, in all actuality. There is, of course, a slightly higher chance that the two individuals will carry a recessive gene that will cause a defect. But that chance also exists between two unrelated individuals. And by the same token, it also increases the chance that both individuals will carry recessive alleles for a desirable trait. In either case, the chances are still minute.
As for the societal implications, you know full well that this relationship will never be accepted. There are cultures in the world where you are only allowed to marry relatives, and others where incest is widely accepted. However, Western culture does not share either of those beliefs.
However, I'd just like to say something that no one else has, really. As hard is it may be to break this off and deny your feelings, you owe it to yourself. You deserve a relationship that isn't going to cause you stress. You should be able to proudly display your relationship status. It's not fair to either of you to continue this. And you will find someone that you love just as much, most likely a whole lot more that you can be with. You have to know on some level that this will never work, and it's no use continuing it as it will only bring you more angst and heartbreak. I think it's time for you to move on, and start looking for someone who really deserves you.
As a sidenote, as much as I don't agree with the idea of incest in any way, I think no one here has the right to be judging her as harshly as some of you have. Just because she is young doesn't mean she doesn't know what love is. And it doesn't mean that she's merely 'in lust'. Giving advice is one thing, but judging a situation that you have no idea about is another. I'm not trying to be harsh, it's just one of my pet peeves. Sorry. I just think she needs some direction and support, not a lecture.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't consider it incest in the way that I do mothers/sons, father/daughters or any of the other combinations, most of which consist of an adult and a child being coerced. I realize this is JMO and I realize after reading the other posts that mine won't be a popular opinion here, but it's still how I feel.
Interestingly enough, I was in 'love' with a cousin years ago. We only saw each other every other year growing up, for a couple of weeks each time, but from the time I was little, I adored him. He was so good to me and my sister, allowing us to tag along and never complaining about the annoyance that these two little cousins must have been. When I was older, we had a terric summer, in which we spent a lot of time just doing stuff together, swimming, canoeing, talking endlessly. We never had sex (although we shared a bed one night! but no touching at all) and only kissed briefly a few times. We didn't see each other for years after that, due to circumstances of jobs, school, distance, etc. But I have never quite gotten over my feelings for him - and it wasn't lust. Something his sister said a couple of years ago made me realize that the emotions went both ways. It wasn't just me. If I'd been a bit older, if we'd been able to see each other more, a relationship might have developed. Who knows? He's now 45 and still has never married. I've seen him 3 times in the past 15 years. There will always be a part of me that wonders 'What if...?' And no, I don't think it would have been a sin or disgusting or anything else.
Here's some reading on the subject:
"Forbidden Relatives: The American Myth of Cousin Marriage (1996), anthropologist Martin Ottenheimer points out the following little-known facts--little-known, that is, here in the U.S.:
* The U.S. is virtually alone among developed nations in outlawing marriage among first cousins. European countries have no such prohibition. In some cultures, particularly Islamic ones, first-cousin marriage is encouraged. Even in the U.S. laws forbidding the practice are far from universal. First-cousin marriage is currently illegal or restricted in 31 states. (Some states allow it if there's no chance of procreation--interesting in light of conservative opposition to gay marriage on the grounds that the institution's function is to produce children.) It's legal in the rest--and no, Kentucky and West Virginia aren't among the permissive ones. Try California and New York.
* First-cousin marriage isn't a surefire recipe for congenital defects. True, marriage among close kin can increase the chance of pathological recessive genes meeting up in some unlucky individual, with dire consequences. The problem isn't cousin marriage per se, however, but rather how many such genes are floating around in the family pool. If the pool's pretty clean, the likelihood of genetic defects resulting from cousin marriage is low. A recent review (Bennett et al, Journal of Genetic Counseling, 2002) says that, on average, offspring of first-cousin unions have a 2 to 3 percent greater risk of birth defects than the general population, and a little over 4 percent greater risk of early death. While those margins aren't trivial, genetic testing and counseling can minimize the danger. An argument can be made that marriages of first cousins descended from strong stock can produce exceptional children. Charles Darwin, for example, married his first cousin Emma, which wasn't at all unusual in their prominent and successful family--their common grandparents were cousins too. Three of Charles and Emma's ten kids died in childhood, it's true, but that was standard for Victorian England; the others went on to productive and in some cases distinguished careers.
* All kidding aside, the formerly high incidence of congenital defects, specifically hemophilia, among European royal families isn't the classic demonstration of the perils of inbreeding that everybody thinks it is. The short explanation is that hemophilia is an X-chromosome-related characteristic, transmitted only through the female line. The children of royal female carriers would have been at risk no matter whom their mothers had married.
Why are Americans and their legal system so phobic about first-cousin marriage while Europeans aren't? Ottenheimer blames several factors. First, bad research in the 19th century greatly exaggerated the dangers of imbecility, blindness, etc, among children of close kin. This research was eventually discredited in Europe, but Americans and their state legislators never got the word. Second, cousin marriage in the U.S. was considered a sign of barbarism (probable translation: hillbillies did it). In Europe, on the other hand, particularly in Mediterranean cultures, cousin marriage had a long and reasonably respectable history, although it's rare today. Finally, European deep thinkers contended that certain forms of cousin marriage increased social cohesion. No such positive arguments were advanced in the States."
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