Touchy subject

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Touchy subject
26
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 11:18pm
I am a younger female, and about a year ago lost my virginity. Since then I have slept with three total men. None of these men I had been in relationships with, which I am totally fine with, stress free sex! The thing is, the third man I had sex with was my cousin. He was in his early twenties, me teens. First cousin. It was not at all planned, we were camping and it just happened. We have talked about it since, and we're both ok with it. The thing is, I have basically been in love with him since I knew how to love. We were and still are best friends, we have the same interests, we talk all the time, and he said that if we weren't related we would be together. Right now its just sex, we both know thats theres no possibility of a relationship. But we are both emotionally attatched to eachother and I dont know what to do. Most would think this as gross incest, but its not as abnormal to me, but I dont know what to think of it. I know that socially it will not be accepted, so we have kept it quiet. We are planning on have the same relations again. If you're going to rant and rave about how we have sinned, I'm agnostic so it wont work. I just want to know what people think of it. Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: remana
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 9:05pm
I think your post of thinking about an actual possible relationship and being with someone that might be better for her is the best post here. Definitely supportive, not lecturing, but realistic. Which is what I think she needs most.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: remana
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 9:40pm
She asked what people thought of it and that is what people gave her, their thoughts.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: remana
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 10:05pm

Well, I actually know a couple that are first cousins that have gotten married and have two children, a boy that's 13yo now and girl that's 10yo.

As you can imagine, their relationship caused a big commotion amongst the family at the time they became involved. I think that she was about 20 and he was 24. They kept it quiet for sometime before they eventually eloped and got married amongst a veritable firestorm of accusations, denials, and family bloodshed.

Now, they seem to be generally accepted amongst the family and have regular contact with everyone. If anyone in the family disapproves of their marriage then they must have gotten over it a long time ago because I've never had anyone say anything to me about it (I'm a relative newcommer to the scene. It's my partner's older brother and her cousin that we're talking about). Everyone seems to relate to them as if they were a normal, non-related couple. There is, however, an uncomfortable undercurrent there at times when discussions of the husband and wife's family arises because you are talking about _your_ family the entire time. There are no unrelated grandparents other branch of parents of the married couple - for example, when you have a normal couple, you can talk about, say, the husband's side of the family. In this case the husband's side of the family IS the wife's side of the family too. Hmmm. It is DEFINITELY a skeleton in that families closet.

The kids are fine and the boy is reasonably intelligent for his age. As I understand it, the talk of six toed children, while definitely more likely amongst blood relatives, has been blown a little out of proportion. The odds are still generally in favour of perfectly normal offspring. I believe that the children know the situation too and so far, I haven't heard of them being teased at school.

BTW, the marriage isn't against the law in this country but the taboos are still there. If you think for a moment that this relationship will be easy if you want to continue it, then don't. Be prepared for some horrible times ahead of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2001
In reply to: remana
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 11:50pm
Excellent post, outstanding actually. It's refreshing to see someone approach a subject using facts instead of Victorian myths and superstitions. I admit I was surprised at how many states don't allow first cousins to marry, but I'm guessing that's not the same thing as making it illegal for them to have sex, although I might be wrong. One thing to remember is those states are probably the same ones that, until recently, made it illegal for even a married couple to have oral or anal sex. Don't we all feel more secure knowing that the state legislature is protecting us from deviant sex?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
In reply to: remana
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 8:06am
I grew up in the heart of Amish country. As everyone knows, the Amish make it a habit to marry a cousin. Many women will never change they're last names, because they're husband is a cousin with the same name. For what it is worth, I do remember seeing ALOT of mentally handicapped within the society. (they did business with my dad, at the grocery store, at parks, ect...) Or maybe the amount of mental handicapped Amish citizens is due to the fact that Amish women continue to have children until they enter menopause. (birth defects rise sharply with age)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
In reply to: remana
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 8:50am

Coming out of lurkdom to respond to this post. I have second cousins in my family that are married (their grandparents are siblings). They kept their relationship a secret until she got pregnant. Then they let everyone know that they were getting married. Needless to say it was a big shock to everyone. I was young at the time, but I know there was a lot of turmoil and tich tiching going on. Everyone has long since gotten over it. It's openly discussed and joked about. They had three children - all of whom are now grown, healthy and intelligent. No two-headed monsters or anything. It makes it easy for the holidays - you don't have to decide whose family to spend it with. If you do decide to pursue this relationship go into it with your eyes open. Probably no one in your family will be happy with it and you'll have a lot of discrimination to deal with as evidenced by the reactions from this board.

As an aside I would like to say that I think some people's responses to the OP have been horrible. To compare this to sleeping with a child or starting a fire is outrageous. To call someone who has sex with their cousin a pervent is just as outrageous. I think it is very sad that there has been so much judging and negativity on a board that is supposed to offer support. There is a way to disagree with someone without resorting to the reactions that I have seen here. I guess some people never learned that if they have nothing nice to say they shouldn't say anything at all. Good luck Remana. I hope everything works out for you. Going back into lurkdom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
In reply to: remana
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 10:45am

Dear Remana,

I haven't had a chance to read all the replies (hopefully will get some time to do that), so I hope I am not being redundant.

We are attracted to people all of the time, and your attraction to your cousin is not wrong or evil, or even all that unusual. I was attracted to an older cousin of mine and for a couple years as an adolecent, I used fantasies of her to masturbate. I did not take the attraction past that though, and as the years went by the attraction faded and she and I are close cousins and there is not even a hint of sexual attraction.You have escelated a normal attraction to a level that is somewhat unsafe as there is certainly the risk of pregnancy in any situation, and there is some risk of interbreeding should that happen; not to mention the social stigma that is part an parcel of this. My advice would be to not indulge this situation, notice the attraction, but don't feed it with your judgments (or those of anyone else) and it will pass. Sex with your cousin will feed the attraction and you will find yourself in a difficult situation. Understand that this relationship legally cannot move to the next level and in my opinion, you are expending a lot of emotional energy that will eventually just lead to heartbreak and pain for both of you.

SInce you have posted here, I suspect that you are having the very same feelings or you wouldn't have posted. Follow those feelings allow yourself to shift this relationship.

Again, there is nothing abnormal about you or your feelings, it's just that this relationship is destined to crash and it would be best for you to make the shift now before it becomes further complicated.

Good luck and much love to you both.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: remana
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:49am

You want to know what I think?

That would depend on your ages. You say he is twenty something and you were a teenager. That could be a great age difference, or a small gap. That could be you being 16 and him being 29. I don't know. Age makes a difference so I can't give an objective response unless I know your ages first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: remana
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 5:39pm

I just want to clarify my earlier post, since I felt it's misunderstood. First part of my post was just factual info regarding how incest DOES NOT cause birth defects as suggested by preceding posts. I did state that "incest being wrong is a social/cultural issue, not an universal truth". My last paragraph was a bit harsh sounding (which I realized as I re-read it). I was trying to get a point across that it *would be considered* as a very bad decision in her situation (assuming she's in an American culture), because the social norm views cousins having sex as very unacceptable.

Personally I neither agree nor disagree with cousins (or even siblings) being together. My advice was to stop having sex with her cousins, because I think it's the best (as in safest or easiest) solution for the poster. 1. she sounds quite young, 2. she and her cousin are "just having sex" not in a relationship, which I see as an indication that they're not mutually in love, 3. if she is young and has had 3-4 partners in a year, maybe she should stop and really sort her feelings out.

I mean, it'd be easy for me to tell the poster that I support her and wish her good luck. But I really think that she will likely get hurt and they will hurt their parents if the situation progresses. Just my honest opinion. Apology if it offended any reader.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: remana
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 6:41pm

like this poster, i don't think it's "gross" either, but i think that it can be problematic socially and perhaps geneticly (study aside). but, since you're not reproducing, that's not really an issue (yet anyway).

my guess is that you want to be validated in some way, or encouraged. i think this is most difficult for me. while i believe that love is diverse and that there really isn't anything that qualifies as "normal" because people are so different and unique (see the film Kinsey, it's excellent). but, even i can be stodgy and perhaps this is a sexual deviance (like brother/sister incest) that may not be appropriate. i have to think about it more, of course, but then perhaps it isn't as great of a problem.

other than being illegal (for the health reasons that are believed to be a problem) as an aspect of incest, i don't see a big problem with it overall. anymore than i see a problem with anal sex and/or homosexuality (either or both are often called sodomy) even though it (sodomy) is illegal. in fact, even oral sex can be categorized as sodomy, so people can get arrested for all sorts of sex acts that perhaps they shouldn't. and statutory rape/age of consent laws also have some issues (some good reasons for having it, some reasons not to have it). anyway, slightly off topic.