Ugh! Ready to join the convent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Ugh! Ready to join the convent!
7
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 3:22pm


Hi, everyone,

I need some help, please. I'm afraid I get no enjoyment from sex whatsoever. I lost my virginity about three months ago, but have only attempted to have sex a few times since then. My boyfriend and I use a lot of KY, but I always feel like I'm developing blisters from the friction. As a result, sex is painful/unpleasant, and I've begun to avoid it altogether. This is causing me lots of anxiety, and my boyfriend lots of frustration.

No amount/variety of foreplay gets me aroused, either. I'm know I'm supposed to enjoy sex; I dread it instead. I'm no teenager, either; I'm 33, and more than a

little p.o.'d that I saved myself all these years for Mr. Right, and can't enjoy a physical relationship with him. I take birth control pills and antidepressants, which I know are contributing to the problem, but my lack of interest was never this bad before - my BF thinks I'm just not attracted to him.

I don't know what to do, aside from getting drunk, as my gyno suggested(!) or trying a different kind of lubrication. But I wonder if that's really the problem, or if it's just me. I could really use some advice, please. Thank you so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 5:26pm
I'm wondering if you have a mental block.

Would you mind telling us a little about your past? Have you had many relationships before? What attitudes were you raised with regarding sex? Have you any history of sex abuse/rape? What is your body image like?

Do you enjoy masturbating? Have you had much experience with giving/receiving manual stimulation in the years prior to commencing having intercourse? And lastly, if you were to have him stimulate you manually or orally - but with no intercourse to follow - would you be more likely to enjoy it?

Sorry to give you only questions, but it may help us get to the source of your issues.


Edited 10/27/2004 7:49 pm ET ET by iv_aisha2004

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:24pm
Get a bottle of the lubricant Astroglide and have your BF cover his entire penis with it and I am sure you will not hurt or feel like you are blistering. Good luck and report back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:31am
Antidepressants may very well be the culprit. When I was on Prozac, I was completely incapable of getting physically aroused, let alone having an orgasm. Would it be possible for you to ask your doctor about switching to Wellbutrin? That particular antidepressant has a MUCH lower incidence of sexual side effects.

--K

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:30pm
Start by telling your doctor. As some people posted your meds could be playing a roll.

Depression in and of its self can cause arousal disorder.

I have to wonder if there isn't a significant psychological component though. Personally I would add its quite unusual for someone to remain single and a virgin until age 33. There are valid reasons for doing that but given the arousal difficulties you are experiencing now that you are involved I have to wonder if there hasn't always been some I underling issues for you around sexuality that delayed your entry in an adult intimate relationship and that now are affect your ability to enjoy sex. Talk to your doctor about you problems around desire and arousal not just the physical issues surrounding sex. You might find sex therapist could be helpful in understanding the underlying reasons your experiencing arousal problems and offering strategies to correct it. Without arousal I think its not unlikely that your having difficulty enjoying sex. I think you need to get the bottom of your desire and arousal response and treating that will help immensely with the physical difficulties.


Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 10:34pm
Your gyno suggested you get drunk? Perhaps he/she meant relaxed(big difference). In fact, being drunk might even prevent arousal, and if he/she did tell you that, I'd suggest you find another one. Why he/she didn't tell you that the b/c pills and/or anti-depressants could be a contributing factor makes you wonder just how competent he/she is.

Do you masturbate? Do you feel the desire to masturbate? If so, then your problem is most likely not physical, it's psychological. It's obvious that you're in a cause/effect situation. You're not getting lubricated(may be chemicals are responsible), it hurts, anxiety results and your bf is getting frustrated. It would be similar to a man who all of a sudden(even if with a long-term partner) has erection problems. The typical advice given, is to not make a big deal about it. I'd suggest you tell your bf that he needs to be more patient and understanding.

Of course you need to use the process of elimination. You have many elements present that could be causing lack of desire, lack of arousal, and NO amount of physical stimulation will change that. I suggest that you consider a different anti-depressant, and also stop intercourse all together until you feel you're ready. Why would you endure pain, and why would anyone want you to? Initial discomfort sometimes never goes away, but experiencing pain that results in anxiety and dread, and blisters, will only make matters worse. Find the culprit.




Edited 10/29/2004 12:01 am ET ET by ismelltheroses

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 10:55am


Hi, everyone,

I suppose I could have a mental block. I grew up in a very non-demonstrative home (no hugs/kisses, "I love yous" etc.) Sex was only discussed as being "for married people only." No history of sex abuse; body image is okay, although bigger breasts would be nice. :)

I do enjoy masturbating, much more than oral sex or intercourse. Past relationships were oral sex-only, so I have a good amount of experience there. I've been thinking about it for the last few days, and I've come to realize that part of it is my dread of the pain/discomfort, and part of it is that my BF isn't always the most attentive person. I find it difficult to be interested in having sex with someone who's made me feel invisible all day long, so...maybe a little resentment there. I still don't know why the total lack of interest, though. Thanks for the input; it's got me thinking.

Miss_meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 6:13pm
>>I find it difficult to be interested in having sex with someone who's made me feel invisible all day long, so...maybe a little resentment there. I still don't know why the total lack of interest, though.<<

Ahhh, if this is the case, I think you're totally normal.

Speaking from personal experience, if my relationship is not healthy - my sex drive simply dies. In the final 18 months of my first marriage, my sex drive just went belly-up. It was like I was dead. I didn't get turned on, I couldn't lubricate - and even if I added lube, it was still uncomfortable. In short, sex is the last thing I want when all is not good in my relationship. To be honest, I thought that it was a physical problem - until I met someone else and discovered that there was nothing wrong with my body.

I think that it's time to reconsider your relationship. Listen to your body - it's trying to tell you something.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace