Ultra selfish boyfriends

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2009
Ultra selfish boyfriends
6
Thu, 09-19-2013 - 2:10pm

I have noticed a disturbing trend.  I have dated four men over the last few years, and I don't know if it's due to overexposure to porn or what, but they have had almost zero interest in foreplay for me, and seem almost totally indifferent to pleasuring me. Literally the only orgasms I have are from when I am alone and taking care of myself. (I don't get it since I keep totally in shape and have a good, slim body (5'-3", 96 lbs) and am lasered totally bald down there.  My grooming is fastidious and I go to great lengths to always be as attractive as I can.)

This is particularly true with the current bf, who I love very much and would likely be willing to marry.  He is not at all selfish in most things ... a totally great guy and very smart and sociable.  But in bed he is so selfish that it's almost shocking.  He seems to have been taught that the girl is only there to give him pleasure and whether she gets any pleasure out of it is irrelevant. Great kisser, great shampooer of my hair, great snuggler.  But completely one-sided as far as actual sex.

For example, he loves, loves receiving oral for ages, and he is very thick and likes to have it go down far, and it really makes your jaw very tired.  But I do it because he likes it.  He has never once gone down on me nor as I recall has he ever even fingered me.  His idea of foreplay is to get oral for 20 minutes, then he puts a big glob of his own spit on the head of his penis and puts it in.  That's LITERALLY it.  His fingers do not touch me down there, ever.  I once asked him, early on, about oral sex for me and he said he's just not into that.  I guess I respect his honesty, but wow.  I know he has had many, many girlfriends and I assumed they have conditioned him to believe this is fine.  It seems like he is totally used to this kind of thing and it's how it's done.

Anyhow, I have noticed a real trend with these guys.  They're not at all mean.  But they have seemingly been trained that sex is about their penis and their orgasms, period. 

I am seriously mystified by all this.  Have you girls run into this kind of behavior, or have I simply had some unusual boyfriends?  Is this due to too much porn availability, or what??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2005
Sat, 10-12-2013 - 2:05pm

too selfish!it's because of these porn videos that guys use to see and they don't realise the difference between getting paid to do something and doing it just as a girl enjoying it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 09-23-2013 - 1:17am

You say it's not a big deal for you, but obviously it IS a big deal, or you wouldn't be here complaining about it.  People can be UNtrained, if they want to be!  It sounds like he doesn't want to be......so that leaves you with a couple of choices.......you can tell him you're tired of the one-sided deal, and that the cure for that is for him to be RE-trained (by you) or he can forget the foreplay that HE's getting.  No, it shouldn't be tit for tat, but he's selfish and/or lazy, and you don't like it.  There are two ways to handle it.  Cut off HIS pleasure, or get him out of your life.  Don't think that one day he's going to be struck by lightning and change.  You're the one who has to change......meaning get used to "wham bam thank you maam" or move on.  It's your life, and you have to decide what you want from your life.  Or what you can live without.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2009
Sat, 09-21-2013 - 6:57pm

I don't know.  I've asked him and he's just not interested in doing it.  I have explained that it's important to me and it seems unfair to me.  I definitely don't want him to feel like our relationship is tit-for-tat, that's just cheesy.  Just foreplay once in a while would be awesome.

But I truly think that the way he is wired, and the sexual experiences he has had to date (I believe many many of them) have just programmed him for zero foreplay for me.  It seems wierd to me that he has absolutely no problem stroking himself off for many minutes in front of me or whatever, and expects long, long bjs before sex, but he literally does not seem to want to touch me.  As if it's just not normal for the guy to touch a pretty girl who keeps herself immaculate.  He's a great kisser; great caresser to the point of magical; but no caressing where it really counts and certainly no oral where it counts. Truly odd. 

I'm not going to break up with him over this or anything -- it's really not a big deal to me -- it's just confusing.  He must have had a bad experience or something.  But I don't think it's right that it's taken out on me.

Avatar for StephanieOC
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2013
Fri, 09-20-2013 - 10:20am
I enjoy giving my man a bj before work or maybe somewhere daring and of course as foreplay but they usually reciprocate, maybe not then but another time. If you are not getting what you desire then you may want to have a discussion and explain that this is important to you. Otherwise, you may be unhappy for many years or ultimately decide to move on. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-1998
Fri, 09-20-2013 - 9:56am

Unless he has some kind of epiphany and becomes a caring lover ASAP, you should move on.  You have asked for oral and he gave his response.  There are a ton of guys that would love to tongue worship every inch of you.  He seems clueless and selfish.  Don't marry this kind of guy.

If you keep kissing frogs that don't turn out to princes, don't blame the frogs.  It's time to look in the mirror and do some soul searching about your attraction to frogs when there are lonely princes awaiting you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2013
Thu, 09-19-2013 - 7:09pm

He doesn't know what to do. You need to give him specifics. Like detailed specifics. And figure out what sorts of foreplay he's interested in. Nice guys like foreplay:-) Oh, and if it isn't good for you, don't say it is. Here are some good tips for him:

http://www.kinkly.com/2/1030/lets-talk-about-it/hesays-shesays/how-to-party-like-a-cockstar 

Kinkly.com