umcomfortable situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
umcomfortable situation
3
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:42pm
when me and my fiancee have intercourse i have no problem al long as he is in 'control' on top or similiar things. but when he wants me to be on top i get very self conscious. i dont like the may my body is and i dont know hwo he can either. he tells me all the time how beautiful i am and that he loves my body but i cant get enough confidence. any suggestions of advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:17am

Learn to love yourself. If you can't love yourself just as you are, then you have a problem, and men get really sick of being asked about it, and having to give constant reassurance.

You don't understand how he can think you have a good body because you don't like yourself very much. Work on that. Get professional help if that's what's necessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 10:26am

Welcome to the board angelwings. I think you are experiencing a feeling that many others have shared. I'm a very confident person in general, but have been known to have issues with my body from time to time. In a large part, my confidence does rise the more comfortable and trusting I become of my partner.

As you have already learned, lacking confidence in the bedroom does hamper your sex life. Looking for ways to step out of your comfort zone will help you become more confident. Since pleasure breeds pleasure, put your focus on pleasing your partner. Don't think about how you look, think about what bouncing boobs do for him (LOL). The less body image problems you have, the sexier you will be, the more he will be turned on, and the better your sex life will be for both of you.

One of the "deals" I made recently with my DH (of nearly 16 years) was that I would no longer "pooh pooh" his compliments to me. Just taking this small step has made an incredible difference in how I feel about myself! It's also allowed him to move his compliments past the surface. It gives him a charge to be able to say things like "you're the sexiest woman alive" to me. Even if I don't believe this on the surface, it sure does add an element of heat to sex! When he would compliment me and I would say "yeah, right" or "you must need glasses", it would stop him dead in his tracks. He would have to turn his focus to trying to make me feel good, or he would feel hurt (similar to having an idea put down). There is a point where if you keep telling someone something, they will believe it.

Here's a great article from iVillage. I call it a "feel good" article. I really recommend that you read it, as it hits directly on the topic of how important it is for you to have confidence in the bedroom.

Boost Your Body Image in the Bedroom
http://diet.ivillage.com/motivate/mimage/0,,Jessica%20Weiner_b77pvv7g,00.html

One of the most stimulating things for a man is to be in bed with a woman who wants to be there, who wants to be having sex with him, and who enjoys what she is doing. Chances are, if you are stimulating him this way, he's not seeing any flaws in your body! I don't remember where I picked this quote up, but I think it speaks well:

"When you don't feel sexy, it's pretty hard to be sexy. But you can shift your focus away from your self-perceived flaws -- namely, dwelling on things about your body that you do like (killer legs? wicked smile?). Or, try expanding your definition of what makes sex great from What do I look like? to What can I do that'll rock my guy's world?"



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 2:33pm

Hi angelwings2007,

I understand how you feel. At one point, I would look at myself and think "I'm too skinny", "This is wrong", "That is wrong" and I would always wonder what is going through his mind when he's looking at me. But after time, after being with him and seeing the way he looks at MY BODY, and the way he tells me I'm beautiful I realize that if he didn't love me - all of me - then he wouldn't be with me. Now, I'm comfortable with myself and I think everything is much better than when I was thinking and worrying about everything.

What I'm trying to say is that, he loves you and there is nothing more beautiful than a confident woman. Don't worry about if you look silly - if you are not confident, that's what will make you look silly. Just climb on, stare into his eyes, and do your thing. Maybe you can start off slow with candle lights and work your way up. But make sure that you look like you're enjoying yourself (clear your mind of any thoughts that don't include pleasing both of you).

Good Luck,

Princess