Ummm......horrible problem. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Ummm......horrible problem. Help!
9
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 2:07pm

Me and my fiance (both of us 19) started have been having sex for about 5 months now. We lost our virginity to each other. The first time we had sex, well....it lasted about a minute sadly, but I found out that is very common for virgins. But the problem is, we've been doing it for 5 months now and more times than not, he doensn't last long at all. The longest I believe is maybe about 10-12 minutes, but that was taking little breaks in between to try to stop him from coming. Having sex now is very demeaning to him now, to the point that he doesn't even want to have it anymore because he feels so bad about himself that he can't "satisfy me like a man" because he can't last very long.

I've been on BC pills for the last 5 months, and had had some slight depression along with these pills, and he is telling me maybe I should go off of them and stop having sex all together. I mean, I enjoyed the time that he did last, but now he is getting so frustrated about it, in the middle of having sex he has a "pain look" on his face and I know he is thinking "I'm trying not to come...don't come, don't come" and then, ultimately, the adverse happens and he does. Then he feels completely horrible and then he makes me feel horrible, and everytime we have sex now, afterwards, it's very very akward. And this is with a man I have known forever, and can do absolutely anything around him.

I try to tell him it's okay, and it will get better, but it never seems to quite work out this way. I try to make him feel better and say not to worry about it, but my sexual needs aren't being met at all, and I don't know what to do. I can't just stop having sex all together. I have a very health sexual appetite and this problem is making his appetite for sex go waaaaayyy down because he feel so horrible about it, he just doesn't want to put himself in that position anymore....to set himself up to disappoint me as he puts it. I have a vibrator that I bought and we used to use before we started having sex, and after he came the other day, I brought it out, thought it might help to have him stimulate me, but it only made it worse, because it reminded him that he can't satisfy me and has to resort to a battery powered machine to do the job.

I'm not sure what is causing the problem, maybe it's his age, or stress, or I don't know, but I don't know how to go about the situation with talking with him or what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 2:34pm


I'm not a man. But My husband and I were where your at as far as not
lasting long. In the very beginning. We were virgins to.
I think it's normal for him not to be able to last long.
Hubby was a one minute man when he was 16 lol. It did frustrate
him but not to the extreme of not wanting sex. I bet he gets very
excited and isn't sure how to please you. I remember hubby asking me
what I liked. At the time wasn't very sure we were new to it all! lol
Instead of using a toy let him use his hands and glide his hands to your
hot spots. Then he will know he's satisfying you. Also he can touch you during
IC or you can touch your self. It makes the experience much better, to me.

That's my 2 cents
Kareese

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 3:09pm

Because you're both young, and had no previous experience, neither of you probably realizes that this is actually normal for both of you.

The thing about intercourse is that while the man loves it, and wants to hurry up and get there, he has to understand that for a woman, foreplay and oral or manual clitoral stimulation is more important than intercourse. I'm not saying that women don't enjoy intercourse, but most women do NOT have orgasms from intercourse alone. That's because there's very little feeling inside the vagina, except for the "g" spot. For most women, he could last for hours, and they still wouldn't be "satisfied".

Guys that understand a woman's body know how important the foreplay is, and most women will have orgasms from that (once they learn how to HAVE orgasms), and when he's ready for intercourse, it honestly doesn't matter if he doesn't last very long. 10-12 minutes is probably average, and despite the stories you hear about men who CAN go for hours, they're just that, stories. Very few men can last that long.

It would help him, and you too, to check out the information at www.the-clitoris.com to find out how to give a woman pleasure. There's a lot more to it than intercourse. Once he learns about how a woman's body work, he won't be feeling so badly about himself, he'll realize he's very normal!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 3:34pm
Listen, he is just very excited by the situation - a live naked woman wanting him. It is all in his head. Now what you can do is two things - you might want to start a date by giving him a BJ. Yes, get him comfortable and take care of his neverousness. Then go to dinner or a movie then have sex. Get him comfortable. Then he can be less sensitive (from the BJ) and have time to recover then have longer sex with you. Teach him to please you - then please him again. Then later you might want to give him a HJ and when he gets close - STOP and relax then start the whole HJ over again - then STOP and do it again. He will feel comfortable with you touching him and he will eventually gain control. But don't make a big deal of the problem. Just do the BJ then a few times and see if it helps then YOU take control and start and stop then start and stop. This might help and get him to feel comfortable with his feelings (his brain) and then comfortable being naked with you and not feeling pressured to perform for you. That will come after he feels relax and comfortable with sex, a naked woman and you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 4:16pm
Yeah...I decided to have my first time with an older guy haha to avoid this. But it's not so bad really...The whole "start - stop" method can be fun!! AND...if he is feeling bummed about not pleasing you enough with intercourse, he will most likely want to try giving you oral sex and touching you with his hands before intercourse. Then you will already be satisfied and he can get off in 10 minutes without causing a problem for either of you. It WILL get better with time. Tell him to masturbate a couple hours before you get together to reduce sensitivity. And let him know everything's cool between you and you don't want to stop having sex. Have fun and good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 4:39pm

Hi glitter baby

Here's a suggestion that might help. Get a tube of Nupercainal ointment. This is an anesthetic cream intended to soothe hemorrhoids. About an hour or two before you intend to be intimate, he should apply a small dab to the head of his penis, which is probably very sensitive. Just before you hop in bed, he should wash himself off so he is squeeky clean in case you might decide to give him a little oral. Hope this helps.

Red Baron

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 5:47pm

red baron,

You have given good directions, but what exactly is the effect this cream will have on his penis?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 6:05pm

Hi glitter_baby and welcome to the board.

You have a few things that might be working against you here, but the good news is that the two of you should enjoy learning about each other as you work these things out.

I'm not sure if you had orgasm previously, but it's not likely that you will have orgasm through intercourse alone this early in the game plan. You mention a vibrator that the two of you used together prior to loosing your virginity -- and what you should do is get that back out along with all of your other foreplay techniques and toys. Concentrate on your satisfaction coming prior to penetration. (If you have another orgasm through penetration then all the better!)

He's getting bummed and feeling inadequate. That's counter-productive for both of you, so he needs to realize that orgasms are different for women. If you have already had an orgasm, then both of you will be able to relax and enjoy intercourse more, as he won't feel that he has to perform for you. Also, there is no rule that you can only have intercourse once. If you let him recover for a few minutes and help him get another erection, then round two will likely last longer, and may be satisfying for both of you. Guys learn to control their ejaculations with time and practice. While you both want him to last longer, putting pressure on him is not going to help. He can practice the start/stop method during masturbation and by practicing with you. Practicing this method will help him learn how to control his ejaculation.

Have a talk with him, visit the-clitoris.com, and let him know that "loving you like a man" is about loving you and helping you achieve an orgasm. The fantasy of him having intercourse with you can help you have an orgasm too, and many women don't orgasm through penetration. Once both of you realize that, it should take the pressure off. You should both be concentrating on pleasure -- the pleasure that you feel and the pleasure that you give each other. Sex should be fun, and it should feel good. Concentrating too much on one part of sex will work against you.

Also, are you trying different positions? Perhaps if you try woman on top, you can control the quickness by not thrusting. This is also a great position for you to have an orgasm because your clitoris can rub against his body for stimulation.

Let us know how things go, and let us know if you have any other questions.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 11:51am

Hi Misty

Because this ointment is an anesthetic, it will make the nerve endings in the penis less sensitive.

Red Baron

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 12:24pm

Thanks Red Baron. I thought it might be something like that. They also make numbing agents and desensitizing creams they might want to look into.

Misty



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