understanding the male part
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| Sun, 07-13-2008 - 12:14pm |
Hello,
Please excuse the frankness of this post, I'm confused about this. I'm 37, divorced (no kids) and I've started dating this man (age 41) and we've gotten a little bit sexual, not "all the way" yet. Touching basically. Up until now I have been attracted to him as a person but then when I felt his penis for the first time I was automatically turned off (although working hard not to show it). Is that a very shallow and a strange reaction to have or is it perfectly natural? It was very small and he didn't get hard when I touched him even though he was touching me and I was very wet, which I thought was a strange reaction for a guy to have. Maybe he was feeling scared/intimidated. We didn't talk about it, I don't know how to even approach the topic of lack of erection with a guy and basically feel it's way too soon in the relationship to have such a discussion anyhow. But sex is very important to me.
I am wondering what you think in terms of continuing to see him. Should I go with my feeling of being turned off and tell him I don't want to see him anymore, or should I try to get over this since a lot of the other important relationship stuff has a high potential for being there.
Thank you.

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I can definitely overlook the small issue since yes, things obviously grow during erection to different extents. But the fact that he wasn't hard at all and then didn't seem to get at all stiff with my stimulation feels very bad to me. That whole scenario just makes my heart sink.
An added issue I didn't write about in my initial post was that in his online profile he divulged that sex was very important to him and I think if that's the case with someone, that these issues should have been sorted out. There's a lot I feel like I can work on with someone, but issues around getting sexually aroused and being relaxed with themselves sexually is not one of them. Unless of course it happens deeper into the relationship and then that's usually the symptom of other relationship issues.
I know there can be a lot there emotionally for men just like with women, but that's what therapy is for. I work hard to get through my own stuff and take care of myself, I expect no less from the men I'm dating.
Have you actually tried talking to him about it to see how he felt at the time?
It happened once, that is not an issue, it doesn't mean he's not comfortable with himself
Personally, I don't understand why adults your age were "touching" each other without an intent to have sex. Perhaps if the intent would have been there, then things would have unfolded differently.
As several other members have mentioned, there are many reasons why a guy might not rise to the occasion. How you handle that can make a huge difference in how your relationship will progress.
The first time my DH and I were intimate, things didn't work out exactly as either of us would have planned. It wasn't a big deal though .... we had been drinking a bit and he had a lot of baggage from a past relationship. Our age difference was a factor for him, the fact that we were neighbors was a factor for me. There were some struggles at different times during those early weeks, but they soon became a distant memory. That was nearly 18 years ago ..... there are things in life that we can't control, but having a caring partner goes a long way in helping us overcome those things.
It seems like you were expecting to feel a pants busting erection in your hand. Not all guys are like that. There was a couple I used to know. His girl friend told me he was slow to get erect. It took about 10 min of steady hand work on her part before he was ready to penitrate her. She did not see this as a problem. She felt it was an advantage becuase he was slow to stimulate and lasted a good long time during intercourse.
Don't worry about it. Use his penis for your pleasure. Getting his penis erect can be a real treat, because after it is erect you know where it will be going.
He may have been nervous. He may have an easily treatable medical condition. He may have been hard for hours during the rest of the date and just gave out. He may have taken care of himself before the date so he wouldn't be horny and distracted and just didn't have time to recharge. Or he may not have known what was going on and was more upset about it than you were.
We can't give it orders to stand at attention and it doesn't always respond to our frame of mind. I once spent a day with a girlfriend and basically had an erection all day long, knowing what was coming that night. I was hard all the way up until the point where it came to put on the condom, then I started to lose it. It wasn't that I wasn't turned on, it wasn't that I didn't find her sexy, it wasn't that I was rebelling against the BC, it just happened.
Besides, the guy has a tongue and two hands, right? At least give him the chance to use those if the rest of him won't cooperate.
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