understanding the male part

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
understanding the male part
30
Sun, 07-13-2008 - 12:14pm

Hello,

Please excuse the frankness of this post, I'm confused about this. I'm 37, divorced (no kids) and I've started dating this man (age 41) and we've gotten a little bit sexual, not "all the way" yet. Touching basically. Up until now I have been attracted to him as a person but then when I felt his penis for the first time I was automatically turned off (although working hard not to show it). Is that a very shallow and a strange reaction to have or is it perfectly natural? It was very small and he didn't get hard when I touched him even though he was touching me and I was very wet, which I thought was a strange reaction for a guy to have. Maybe he was feeling scared/intimidated. We didn't talk about it, I don't know how to even approach the topic of lack of erection with a guy and basically feel it's way too soon in the relationship to have such a discussion anyhow. But sex is very important to me.

I am wondering what you think in terms of continuing to see him. Should I go with my feeling of being turned off and tell him I don't want to see him anymore, or should I try to get over this since a lot of the other important relationship stuff has a high potential for being there.

Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 11:59am
I don't want to hurt the guy's confidence, but I'm not a social worker or therapist here. This is the reality (and brutality) of dating. I've been rejected for my body shape and other physical/emotional attributes which I think was somewhat shallow/uncaring/selfish/unfair/etc.. Because I can loose weight, right? I can go to therapy. We can all fix ourselves and work on it. Was it hurtful for me to hear these things? Yes. And my confidence was shaken. But the truth of the matter is I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is focused on the fact that my thighs approach the size of tree trunks and is turned off by that and oogling over women with perfect legs. I want to be accepted for who I am. And I don't think this guy should want to be in a relationship with a woman who is focused on his erection if this is a particular issue he struggles with. I don't know, but am thinking of bringing up the situation to give him the chance to talk about it and his reaction when he calls tonight. But I am a bit skeptical on the information he offers regarding sexuality at this point because nothing has jived about the whole thing from the onset. Between the fact that he said in his profile that sexuality was very important to him and his comment about how he is very aroused and sexual in the a.m., which was the time of this event, something doesn't sit right with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 12:28pm

Since you've been "bashed" in the past over something that someone ELSE thought.......how can you do the same thing to him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 12:40pm
And I don't think this guy should want to be in a relationship with a woman who is focused on his erection if this is a particular issue he struggles with.

Except that you have no idea if it's an issue he struggles with or not, based on a one time event.



It sounds like you've already made up your mind, and you're just looking for an excuse to "next" the guy. If that's the case then go ahead and get it over with, but I doubt you'll find too many people here who will tell you that it's the right thing to do based on the information you've presented so far.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 12:48pm
Yes, you could be right about finding support for my take on this, and I do feel pretty certain about my gut feeling. I'll chat with him on the phone tonight regarding the issue, which may cast a different light on the situation. It's a tough thing to bring up with someone in the start of a relationship, but we're all adults here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 2:04pm
Since it was you who pointed out that "we are all adults, here", let me suggest that perhaps there was something that took place during the encounter that turned the guy off? Is he only the second man that you have had a potential sexual encounter? You did mention that your ex, too, had erection issues, and perhaps other issues are what are deterring these potential playmates?
I know to be a fact that not just any woman will turn my blood flow up, and this may be true with the new guy.
once.
once.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 2:59pm
I'm not sure what you're getting at here, but I've been with quite a few over the last 20 years - I'm 37. Could it be that I'm choosing them based on some quality that's connected to erection issues? Stranger things have happened. Something to investigate. One guy I went out with for about 6 months also seemed to have this problem. We put off sex until month five or so because he wanted to get to know me. That sounded reasonable and I obliged. However, around month five I was ready to have sex and asked that we start exploring because a sexless relationship isn't for me, and it IS part of my getting-to-know process. But low and behold there were some issues not unlike what's going on now and also with my ex-husband. But since my divorce in 2003 I've dated two guys where this particular issue wasn't a consideration. So I don't know. As far as him being turned off by me, totally possible and may be the case here. Which is just more reason to not pursue it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2008
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 3:53pm

I was the first to reply to your initial post and I've been watching the thread ever since.

RJJJ


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 4:20pm
Thank you for your response and lending some legitimacy to my reaction to this situation, which now more than ever I feel ok about. And definitely the other respondents have giving me opportunity to think about this from different perspectives and at the same time to clarify my own. So I'm grateful and open to hearing things from everyone. There has been some harshness here with some of the posts, but considering the sensitivity of the topic and emotional response something like this can bring about, I don't hold it against anyone. Expressing opinion is what these boards are for, as long as it doesn't become abusive. And I don't hesitate to use the "ignore posts" option in the case it does feel that way. But that said, I know I don't have to share the sentiment and the judgments aren't a reflection of who I am.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 07-15-2008 - 1:20am

I still think that you should give the guy another chance or two before either dropping him or talking to him about it. I just don't believe that you can, or should, make a decision like this based on one incident when you say there is a lot of other potential.

I also think that talking to him about this right now will give him the wrong impression of what you are like. Not to mention immediately put performance pressure on him for any subsequent encounters. I think that you should NOT talk to him about this now.

Give it a week - or two and by then you will have had another couple of encounters and have a better overall picture of what's happening. Yes, he has said that sex is important to him but he wouldn't have been the first guy to say that in a profile or during discussions - he's trying to eliminate women that aren't interested in sex, and secondly, making women feel secure that he thinks sex is important and more than just something to be taken casually. I don't see from your comments that he's saying it's important because he's a sex machine that's sporting a massive erection. Perhaps you've got the wrong idea of what he means when he says "sex is important"?

I think that you are excessively biased because of your own past experience. I'm not saying that you have no right to want what you want, but aren't we throwing the baby out with the bathwater? I think that you are jumping to conclusions and in too much of a hurry with your decisions and course of action. You divorced 5 years ago, have only dated a couple of guys since. What difference will a couple of extra weeks make to your schedule? You're not in so much of a rush to move on to the next guy that a week or two will make much difference, are you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Tue, 07-15-2008 - 3:38pm

When I was 12, I got hard as a rock if the wind blew the right direction. In my 20s and 30s, I got hard just thinking about it. Now that I'm into my 40s, it sometimes takes a little direct stimulation to get hard.

That's not a problem, that's just normal aging.

For that matter, if intercourse isn't on the menu, it may not get hard. I'm concentrating on what we're doing, and not necessarily preparing for something that isn't going to happen.

Mind you, once I'm hard, I'm every bit as capable as I was when I was younger, plus I've learned a few tricks along the way.

So I'd say cut the guy a little slack. Just because you were wet doesn't automatically mean he's hard. Remember, there's a reason they sell lubricant - the situation could easily be reversed sometime.

Haven't you ever been turned on, but still needed a little hands on attention to get wet?

At any rate, if your criterion is an instant erection on demand, I'd encourage you to date 18 yr olds. Granted, they don't have the experience, patience, means, or interests that men your own age have, but those are the breaks...

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martinisnsushi - living the good life since 1963

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martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

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