Undisclosed Fantasies!
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| Mon, 06-25-2007 - 3:27am |
Hi everyone, this is the first thing I'm posting so we'll see how this goes...
My fiance and I have been together a little over a year now and we have as close to a perfect relationship that there could be. We have so much fun together and we make each other so happy. He's a truly amazing man. Here's the thing... he was previously married to a woman who, as far as I know, was a miserable lying cheating sleezbag. They were together 10 years, married for 8. He helped her raise one child from a previous relationship and they had one together, or so he thought. Turns out its a 50/50 percent chance its his best friends. This obviously puts some added pressure on our relationship. He has some trust issues, understandably, but that as never been a problem for us. The woman he was married to was very cold... she shut him out of every aspect of her life. I'm the exact opposite. He is my best friend and I feel like I can share everything with him... even the most intimate things. Sometimes it seems that he's not willing, or maybe unable, to share those things with me. I am a very sexual person and I'm not ashamed of it. We have a very active sex life, I'm just afraid of falling into a ritual. I don't want to give our relationship the chance to get boring. But when I mention new things he seems to shy away. I don't want to push the subject and seem like a freak... Its not like my ideas are completely out there anyways. Just mixing things up a little. I've asked him about any hidden desires he has and he just tells me that what I'm doing is good. He's never once asked me to do anything different, and even though that should be a good thing I feel that he's holding back. How do I get him to open up more about his fantasies... or even just new ideas? He's lived so long with a person who never cared about what he wanted or what he thought... how can I make him understand that I want to make him happy just as much as he does me?

Welcome to the board jjsbabydoll.
Are you talking to him in the bedroom or outside of the bedroom? Often, conversations produce better results if they take place outside of the bedroom. Maybe discussing some of the things you would like to do will open him up, but you may not want it to be a "all-inclusive" conversation. Perhaps just pick one thing and bring it up when you see something that inspires you to think about it. For instance, if you would like to have sex outside, bring up when the two of you are dining outside or walking somewhere outside. Try to avoid flooding him with a wish list, and give him the opportunity to respond on his own. He may not even respond verbally, but perhaps he will plan a special evening for the two of you -- keeping your fantasy in mind.
It's often difficult for people to speak up about what they want. If he's been hurt, then it may be that much more difficult. There's also that chance that he is truly happy with the way things are now. Not everyone has an adventurous side when it comes to sex. If that's the case, it doesn't mean you can't incite one within in him.
my partner in the siggy exchange
I agree with Christy. What makes you think that you're NOT making him happy. Not everyone has "undisclosed" fantasies. Some people don't have fantasies at ALL.
If he's got "trust" issues, then he's really not over his past situation....and you should just accept what he tells you....that he's perfectly happy the way things are right now.
I'm thinking that YOU are the one who's not happy, sex isn't kinky enough or wild enough for you.....and that could very well be that he's just not as into that as you are, and it has nothing to do with his past.
Sex doesn't have to be "out there" or "wild" to keep it good. Maybe for you it does, but that doesn't mean he needs that kind of thing.
If everything is as close to perfect as you say, then maybe you just need to not go there, and let him stay at his comfort level with it. If you keep pushing it, that could trigger his "issues"....and he'll start wondering if he's not enough for you.....and if you'll stray, too. He's telling you he's happy.....believe him.
I had a similar experience. My husband didn't have quite the same issues from his past, but I was by far the more experimental one sexually. He used to say "No Way!" if I tried to get him to have sex outdoors, etc. It was strange for me because he was more sexually experienced than I was, but I'm more open to trying new things. I would occasionally talk him into something a little crazy, but it was always me initiating. That is, until recently when he talked me into sex on the front porch in daylight! (We live in a rural area, so neighbors not close enough to see a lot). It took four years, but now he surprises me sometimes.
I think he had some outdated ideas of sexuality and what was acceptable. I think if you are patient and don't push your honey, he will come around eventually. Just casually suggest things every now and then that are a little outside of his comfort zone. Good luck!
my partner in the siggy exchange