Unfulfilled Sex/Body Size Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Unfulfilled Sex/Body Size Issues
13
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 4:40pm

I just started dating a guy. He is great in so many ways and treats me better than any previous men in my life. I admit that I believe we started having sex way too quickly, but I was as guilty of that as he was. I had not been with anyone in over 6 years, so maybe my passions got the best of me.

Now that the first time is over with (and we both admitted to that being pretty awkward the first time--probably is for a lot of people), I realize I have some others issues here that I cannot share with just anybody.

We've had sex 3 times now, and maybe that is too soon to judge, but I am finding that because my guy is basically overweight, that that inhibits sex greatly. I am of average size (small frame basically) but not too thin or too heavy. Sex is not as easy to do when you have a large gut hanging over your groin. Secondly, he tells me he was circumsized as an adult, and I have found that he not only is not as large (length or width wise) as my last guy, he doesn't seem to stay hard as long either. He's 41. He seems to be very satisfied thus far with things. He knows that I have a very hard time having an orgasm, but I have to wonder if I'll ever have one if these 2 issues are not resolved somehow. He seems willing to try to help me have one, but I think I'm too uptight about things to really enjoy it.

How do you tell a guy that his gut is a turn-off and that it gets in the way? I also cannot tell him that I think he has some erection problems since he has no problem having an orgasm. I have found the whole experience frustrating and unfulfilling. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. Can it get better? Or is what I'm getting now likely to be the "norm" in the future?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 3:21pm
I'm bumping this up, hoping someone will have some advice for me here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 4:11pm
well if you truly care for this person then maybe you guys can both join the gym and work out together. Obviously his "gut" won't go away over night...and I don't think that mentioning anything about his erection will bring his self esteem up, nor will it fix the problem w/ his erection. Again, if he is someone you want to stay with then you guys will work though this.... perhaps you can incoorporate more foreplay into your sexlife, try different positions so his guy wont get in the way. (you on top)
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 5:38pm

It really isn't fair to compare your present guy with your last guy. I'm sure that his last GF may have had attributes that you don't but hopefully, he isn't thinking about that when he has sex with you.

And your orgasm issues are YOURS, not his. The size of his penis has nothing to do with that. The biggest erection in the world won't help you orgasm if you don't know what gets you to that point. Generally, if there is plenty of clitoral stimulation by way of oral or manual stimulation before and during intercourse, a woman is more likely to orgasm.

But if his belly really bothers you, then tell him it seems to get in the way during sex. That's honest enough. But as the other poster suggested, you can get him to be more active by being more active with him and encouraging him to cut back on his calories. IF he refuses though, you'll either have to accept him as is, or move on. It's his body and he may be perfectly happy with it.

And yes, sex CAN get better...with communication, patience and practice. Just don't judge this guy by the last. That's not fair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 3:33am

Well, I think that there is more at stake here than just bedroom performance and a beergut. Frankly, I don't think that you like this guy as much as you think that you do. You're comparing him to the last guy, you don't like his body shape (although that should have been apparent before he took his clothes off) but you slept with him, and you don't like what his penis/performance is doing for you in the bedroom. But he treats you "better". Nothing wrong with comparing him to your last partner - I think that many do compare b/f's, but it isn't fair to him if it's more than a passing comparision of partners.

I think it sounds like he could improve his bedroom skills. Maybe he's just nervous and isn't sure about foreplay just yet? Perhaps, as he relaxes with you, he'll get better at foreplay and you will find that you are having nice orgasms, that the intercourse isn't as bad as you thought that it was, and that things are working themselves out. If the weight issue bugs you now, it will bug you later. A 41yo guy isn't going to lose his beergut over night even if he wants to.

Erection problems? ARe you sure that there are actually problems? He may be less endowed as you last b/f but are you sure that he is having problems? His erections might be just fine. It might be you that misses a larger penis. Again, this isn't going to solve itself over night. In fact, it'll never solve itself. He's got what he's got an nothin' is gonna change that.

At 41yo he's not too old for you to train. He CAN become a better lover in the bedroom with some carefully considered communication and direction. He CAN loose his beergut but I think that the odds suggest that it will be a long and probably impossible process. His penis? Well, that probably won't change unless his erection problems really are problems caused by nervousness. In that case they will get better as he relaxes around you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 7:58pm
If the guy is very much overweight, the problem won't be yours for too much longer, if he doesn't first address his weight issue.
As far as sexual satisfaction goes, are you sure you are putting all you can into the program yourself? I once had a guy tell me his wife said he was lousy in bed because he "didn't do anything for her".
When I asked him what SHE did to help alleviate the issue, he said "she just lays there and lets me provide all the motion".
You'll not get anymore out of a program that you are willing to put into it yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 10:10pm

Hey mitsy.

If he doesn't last as long as what you're use to, you don't find him as endowed, and if he has a physique that, in certain areas, does make him less physically attractive, then hopefully it could be a matter of getting use to him...hopefully that is.

In my opinion, not the best idea to tell him his flaws anymore than it would be for a gent to tell his lady her flaws. I think the real question here is whether or not you feel you can adjust to each other, each other's needs, during this phase of learning more about your sexuality together.

Even Mrs. Para and I aren't in the best shapes anymore. Hectic schedules, fatigue, we're just not what we use to be. What keeps us satisfied? What keeps us happy?

We still enjoy foreplay, such as tantrics and massages. Lots of ways to enjoy. Did you give the relationship enough time to enjoy each other sex became part of it? Only you can answer that. If you are needing more physical fulfillment than he can provide, and it eventually affects your non-physical feelings for him because of the frustration, then maybe it is time to discuss your issues with him.

I still say give it more time, more experience together. Enjoy the non-intercourse part of sex more as well. So much to enjoy together, I still say IC is only part of it and isn't always necessary, but I realize it depends on the individual.

Hope all the replies can help you.

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 2:34pm
His length very likely as short as you think, because he probably has a thick fatpad that covers some of his base penis up. If he were to lose weight, more penis would show. That won't help the penis thickness though. You could tell him about penis enlargement exercises (not penis pills, they are a scam), but you run the risk that might offend him. Penis enlargement exercises are very slow go and risky unless one belongs to a good forum for instruction, but they do work, despite popular belief that they don't. He may not be staying completely hard for two reasons: one is that indeed he can't feel you well just like you can't him, and two, because he's out of shape it could affecting him physically in that department. Some good supplements to enhance blood flow and erection quality might help that, but of course the side effects/risks of any supplement should be carefully studied first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 2:38pm
Dang, I typed "his length very likely is as short as you think...". I meant "his length very likely isn't as short as you think, because he probably has a thick pubic fatpad". I accidently left the word "isn't" out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 1:38am
Did you know that you can edit your messages and make corrections to the original post if you view it? It would save you having to post your corrections seperately all the time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 12:31pm

You're just not into this guy.

You've had sex 3 times and you've already got complaints? My practice is to go for a dozen dates before I make a decision one way or the other. And the quickest I've ever had sex was the 3rd date. 4th last time.

Its not all about you.

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