Uninhibited

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Uninhibited
7
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 9:12am
Hello.
I am a 26 year old woman who has been in only two serious relationships. I’ve had four sexual partners in my lifetime. My current relationship is with a good man, whom I love and adore. We’ve been friends for nearly a year and have been a couple for three months. We’re in a long distance relationship, so we’ve only been intimate three times. The intimacy is good; I enjoy being close to him. However, I’m very insecure about every aspect of sexual intimacy. I’m self conscious about my body and my ability to please a man. Even though I enjoy sex, I tend to just lie there, and let him do all the work. It’s usually the same position: me on my back! I would love to have the courage to be on top…..any position other than missionary! He’s a very sensual person, and he touches and kisses me everywhere. He also loves to perform oral sex on me; he says it makes him feel great to know that he’s bringing me pleasure. I have NEVER in my life performed oral sex on a man. I used to say that I’d only do it for my husband. There are even times when I don’t think that I can perform it when I’m married because it kind of freaks me out. I feel extremely selfish because I enjoy receiving it, but I’m not giving it. I read articles (here, on ivillage) about how simple it is to perform oral sex on a man; however, I cringe whenever I think of me actually doing it. The idea of swallowing ejaculate makes me gag! I’m not sure what to do. My boyfriend has NEVER asked me to perform oral sex on him; I’ve expressed my hesitance and he understands and has told me that he doesn’t want me to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. However, he asked me recently if I'd ever perform it on him, even though we're not married. He didn't push the issue; I guess he was hoping I'd say yes. I said, "I'll never say never..." Lame, huh? I know that he would love if I’d do that for him. What man wouldn't?!? Anyway, I need some advice. How do I overcome my insecurities and my fears and be sexually uninhibited? Does the fact that I'm so turned off by it mean that I don't really love my man?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
In reply to: mali2579
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:07am

Does it mean that you don't love your man? No, it means you don't love yourself enough to allow yourself to enjoy being intimate with him. You haven't given yourself permission to let yourself go. "Insecurity" is fear. Fear that you aren't good enough. Fear that you'll be rejected, or laughed at.

Were you abused as a child? Or, were you taught that sex is bad, and that "nice girls" don't enjoy sex? Lots of parents teach their daughters things like that because they think they're protecting them from being used and/or abused.

You're an adult, and you need to start thinking as an adult. Logically, you know that you should enjoy sex. But, you're not allowing yourself that pleasure. A good man will be loving and patient, but "patience" implys that things will change, and he can't change you, only you can do that. There are two of you in the relationship, and if you just lie there and don't participate, he's going to get tired of that eventually.

If the thought of giving him oral makes you gag, it would still make you gag if he was your husband. You don't HAVE to swallow ejaculate. You can give a man oral pleasure and stop before that happens. You can start with baby steps....just kissing and licking it. When you see how much he enjoys it, it might encourage you to take it a little farther. But you can always stop anytime you want to.

If you can't just talk yourself into relaxing and enjoying the pleasure he gives you, and WANT to return the pleasure, then maybe you need to seek some professional counselling to help you get over whatever is preventing you from fully enjoying a sexual relationship.

Put yourself in his position. How would it make you feel if you were always the agressor, and he never responded, just laid there and allowed you to do whatever you wanted to? That would get discouraging and frustrating after a while. It would make you feel that he really didn't care about you or what you were doing.

You can do it if you want to badly enough. Or you can try to get help to figure out what's holding you back. Good luck.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mali2579
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:17am

Well, you have two choices.....continue doing what you're doing now or begin taking baby steps to overcoming your inhibitions. I think most of us are inhibited, to some degree, when we first become intimate with a new partner. That's natural until there's a certain comfort level established....and that takes time. As you said, it's only been 3 times.

But, you can determine to be a more active participant and then put that decision into action by doing a little more each time you're together. That way, you'll become bolder and a little more comfortable each time. Ask for his patience and then SHOW him that you're serious by doing something slightly out of your comfort zone. Just be patient with yourself.

And as for doing oral for your guy, no, it's not hard to do....but if you aren' ready to do it yet, then don't. Just think about it and consider it. For the time being.

Even though I never thought fellatio was nasty or gross, myself, I DID think it was degrading for a woman to do but I managed to overcome that way of thinking. My DH is like your BF. He has always performed orally on me but he never asked me to reciprocate. And naturally, I felt very guilty so I stopped accepting it when he offered. That hurt his feelings. That's when I decided to make a change in my thinking and my attitude. And you can do the same.

I think you'll be very surprised to discover that fellatio isn't nasty, doesn't taste bad and that you DON'T have to swallow his ejaculate OR allow him to ejaculate in your mouth at all until you're ready for that. If you ever are. That should be your choice anyway! Just making the effort to learn and reciprocating will mean a lot to him, I'm sure.

These are things that every couple has to figure out together and it sounds like you have a great start. He sounds like a keeper to me!

Good luck and start flexing those sexual muscles! Little by little!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
In reply to: mali2579
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:22am

Dear Mali,

First, I would recommend not "beating yourself up". It might help for you to know that almost everyone feels the way you do at one point or the other. Doing something new and the fear that you won't "measure up" is called being human. You are relatively inexperienced sexually and this is normal.

Dakine had some good advice about taking things slowly, her advice of just a lick or even a kiss on his penis is a good one. All change happens on the edges of your boundries...don't force yourself to go too far, just work at the edges of your personal boundries and soon you will find that those boundries start to expand.

It sounds like you have a very good and gentle man. He obviously loves you and sees wonderful qualities in you. If you are able to see the same qualities that he does you will have the confidence to do whatever you want.

Good luck and much love to you both.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
In reply to: mali2579
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:40am
Hi all!
I just want to thank each of you who took the time to reply to my plea for advice. Everything that each of you said was very insightful and encouraging and I really appreciate the words. I definitely believe that the fact that I'm with a great guy will make things easier for me. I'm going to NC to see by BF in three weeks, so hopefully, I'll be able to take the advice you've given me and put it to practice. Be on the lookout on the message board. I'll post an update!
Thanks again!
Mali
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: mali2579
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 3:43pm

We'll look forward to the update. It's always nice to be able to get feedback about our advice and thoughts that we post and whether or not they helped!

Who was it that said this? "You have nothing to fear but fear but fear itself".

That is it really. Becoming a sexual Goddess in the bedroom doesn't happen instantaneously. Everyone has to learn what to do in the bedroom. None of us is born knowing how to give a blow job. And it may surprise you to know that while many women are happy to let the man cum in their mouths and swallow, there are just as many that don't like it. However that doesn't stop them performing oral sex and just before he ejeculates they take him out of their mouths and continue the stimulation with their hands to finish him off. Quite simply, you can ask him to tell you when he's about to cum and you don't have to swallow at all!

It usually takes a while to really feel comfortable in bed with a new partner so I think that you shouldn't worry too much about that. It'll begin to happen. You don't need to force that. And as for worrying about what you are doing and feeling selfconcious? Don't. This man has seen you naked and has caressed the most intimate parts of your body. Why should you feel inhibited in front of him?

Baby steps. Take baby steps. As suggested, try just touching and looking at his penis next time. Kiss it. Then when you are ready, try licking it like an icecream. Again when you are comfortable try slipping the first inch between your lips and giving it a tentative suck. Believe me, just that will feel great for him. When you have done all you want to do, switch positions and try somethingelse - simply moving back up and kissing and touching him will move things along to the next stage where he can take over again.

Good luck and have fun - remember that it's meant to be fun and not taken too seriously.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
In reply to: mali2579
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 7:42pm

Hello. I really appreciate your insight. It'll definitely have to be baby steps for me. I definitely won't become this sexual vixen overnight. I believe that an effort shown on my part to fully participate in intimacy with my boyfriend will please him as much as would me performing oral sex on him. I want to be an active partner, not a spectator. Now, I'm looking forward to slowly letting go of my inhibitions and being free with him. It's great to get good advice from people who are objective, who don't know me or my boyfriend. That's how I know that the advice is genuine. I will definitely let y'all know how things went. Look for my post around the week of March 5th; I'm going to NC on March 3rd!

Take care and thanks again!
Mali

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
In reply to: mali2579
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 1:53pm
Mali, I've had to overcome a lot of hangups myself. But like you said, baby steps. Have you tried mentioning to him, "I'm a little nervous, but I'd like to try to be on top for a minute"? Also, in regards to oral, you don't have to start out going crazy. Tell him you just want to get used to the idea, and try licking the head or sides for a minute or so. I know it's hard. Be patient, ask him to be patient, and it will work out.